Monday, November 8, 2010

Disappointed, but Motivated at the same time

Ugh....stupid math class. Due to circumstances that don't agree, i am now borderline failing my classs. I have not been allowed to makeup work, and have been told that i must ace the next two quizzes to pass. So i start studying my butt off. Only one problem, i'm going to miss one of these two quizzes for the road trip to get ready for my sister's wedding. And he has already said i can't make it up. So i'm stuck. I don't know what to do, but i don't want to give up. The idea of an incomplete has come aroud, but idk if i am eligible, i can't drop the course, it will put me under hours, and if i am missing a quiz, i'm doomed to fail. What to do?

I probably wouldn't be in this situation if i had gotten work back sooner and had nkown i wasn't doing my work correctly. The class functions as almost a "teach yourself" class, so i thought i understood the matierial, and didn't know that i was doing badly until about last week. I'm really kicking myself for not doing something about this sooner, but i chose not to make waves, which is going to suck now to reap the consequences. I refuse to be beaten, i'm going to resolve this, or die trying

Friday, October 15, 2010

Who is it for?

Eleanor rigby
picks up the rice
at a church
where a wedding has been
its in a dream

waits at the window
wearing a face
that she keeps ina jar
by the door
who is it for?

all the lonely people
where do they all come from
all the lonely people
where do they all belong

today i was listening to one of my favorite songs of all time, Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles. This last week and a half have been quite cruel, and i have been trying to put on a face to make it seem like it wasn't that bad. I didn't want people to worry, it could always be worse...but every time i said that it did get worse.

i didn't realize how bad it was. A couple of friends noticed i wasn't doing so well, even before i told them about it. but even with the support of my friends, i still feel utterly abandoned, so very alone. i feel isolated.
i guess i finally understand what that song means.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

im gonna miss you grandpa.

ok...this has been an interesting week. but nothing i havent seen before, that is until now. This last tuesday my great grandpa passed away. Honestly i always considered him more of a grandfather, because i never knew the grandfather on my dad's side. This hurts more then i anticipated, i didn't get to see him very often. But when i think about him, i can't help but smile.

he was so cool, even when i was little, i remember sitting on his lap and him stroking my hair, even when mom was mad at me, saying i inherited his stubborn streak. i remember him and my dad looking alot alike. i remember getting checks from him evey christmas. and, more recently, talking to him seriously about my plans for my future.

One thing that really brings the tears to my eyes is something he said a couple years ago. He told me never to settle, that he could see i would go really far in life, if i didnt let it bog me down. I almost cried then. He told me i turned into a beautiful young woman, and reminded me of distant memories of christmases past. i remeber hugging him, and praying i would get to see him again.

Im going to miss him so much. He was such a lively man, even in his later years. He had a great sense of humor, and though i didnt get to talk much with him, always knew what to say to make me smile.

I think my favorite memory of my grandfather is when i was probably about...six? we were having christmas at his house, and i was throwing a tantrum. My mother had gotten after me for something, and i was upset. He took me on his lap, and tucked my unruly mane behind my ear, looked me in the eye and said, "you deserved it" i cant help but laugh thinking back. but i remeber the twinkle in his eyes, the way he rubbed my back even though i was in trouble.

i just wish i had been able to see more of him, to get to know him better. I'm so angry with the world right now. it seems everything i care about is being pulled away, just as i get to my feet.

If you can hear me, I love you sorry i cant say it to you in person

Saturday, October 9, 2010

LGBT awareness

today i decided to support a cause, wearing a purple shirt oct 20th in memory of six homosexual boys who committed suicide due to the overwhelming harassment they received based on their homosexuality.

No i am not personally homosexual, nor do i personally think its right. But if i condemn these people based on their personal choice, i am forcing them just as the bullies do. I believe we should hate the sin, not the sinner. I may not agree with their choice, but i don't hate these people for that choice.

bullying in of itself is wrong. It's a form of intimidation and force, and harassment. it doesn't matter who it involves, bullying is wrong, period the end

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Because im a little lonely

lately i have felt a little out of synch
not quite in tune or out
with other people

maybe it's just me, but i feel almost as though people are avoiding me
or maybe it my apprehension with everything that has happened this week

Monday, October 4, 2010

What is a heart?

What is a hearT?
is it the passion you feel deep inside as you pursue the career of your dreams?
is it courage that rises up when you need it most?
is it that warm fuzzy feeling when you are around your significant other?
is it that falling feeling, when everything begins to fall apart?

A heart is what seperates us as human beings. And a more proper definition, is a soul. all animals have hearts, and some animals seem to have souls. Our emotions, our free will, and our reactions to others decisions all reflect what happens to our souls.

But with this gift we have, this amazing rarity, comes great cost.
because we have emtions, and can make decisions based on those emotions, we can cause and recieve great pain. Think about it, how did you feel when your best friend didnt come through when you needed it most? or were you the friend that didnt come through? Both thoughts arouse painful and unpeasant sensations, but you feel them in your heart.

But, we also experience much more happiness. An animal is programmed to sleep, eat, and survive. they dont understand the joys of a well made choice, or the pay off of long term dedication. Nor can they make a choice based on the pay off they can recieve in the end. If its unpleasant, an animal will nto suffer through it.

As humans, we can experience joy, and pride
happiness, love, and yes, pain

Think of a time when you were so happy you could burst, a time when you were literally jumping for joy.
now imagine that you have no feelings, your mission in life is to eat
to sleep
to reproduce
to survive
your whole being is wired around that mentality. compared to what we have as humans, that life seems very bleak. i would rather be able to feel pain, then to have no feelings at all.

How relevant is religion?

In today's society, we often find ourselves asking what we believe, what denomination, and what church. As a christian, i find myself questioing the validity of such questions.
Religion, to me, is almost just another way to segregate ourselves even more. I have seen couples ready to marry until one found that the other was of a certain denomination, then they called four years of a relationship off.
Why? Catholic, Protestant, LDS, Non-denominational, Baptist, Assembly of God whatever.

We all believe in the same God, why do we inflict these boundaries on ourselves? Granted i understand that these are based on differetn interpretations on what God expects from us, but there are so many little things i dont understand. And maybe that's my fault, maybe if i studied these denominations more in depth, i could understand the nuancies that make each right or wrong.

But why hate each other for it? why discriminate and disassociate ourselves from those based purely on their denomination? even if you believe what they belieive is wrong, you are not showing Godly kindness by telling a person their beliefes are completely wrong and thats why you cant associate with them.

I guess what im trying to say is that we shouldnt try to seperate ourselves any further. Let us love on another, as God loves us.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

broken record i in full swing, and i feel more productive then i have in a long the same time, i dont feel alive.
i follow the sama monotonous pattern day in and day out, week after week. i don't have much to look forward to, and its depressing. i feel almost like a broken record, stuck in a groove on the vinyl, playing the same line over adn over and over.

i know it will get better. at least, im 99% sure. or maybe..67% i dont know. I feel almost like this is all a meaningless tedious step in the master product, like gridding a canvas or laying a foundation. I have to get through this to move on, but good night nurse it is sooooo boring.

at this point i feel fairly useless. I have my own schedule, and it often differs from my family, so i really dont get to see much of anyone. i went from a social butterfly, to a lone wolf who occassionally gets back with the pack.

and as much as i hate to admit it, i miss having a relationship in a way. i dont miss the particular person my last one was with, i dont miss the drama that normally goes with them, but i miss knowing someone so well, that they could complete your thought, that they would go out of their way to visit you, to make sure you were doing all right. to feel comforted merely by the fact that they were there.
At the same time the idea of commitment on such a level frightens me. i would have to let someone get to know me that well to know them on such a level. I would have to be willing to lower my walls and let someone inside. Im not ready for that step yet.
i dont want to be..i dont think. the thing about building walls, is you tend to get pretty lonely inside.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Im almost there.

Seven months ago tomorrow marks one of the most significant yet insignificant events
in my life. It was one of the most life altering things i have ever experienced.

February 21st 2010, i was attacked. I cant quite say exactly how it affected me, but after the fact i become a timid angry pleaser. i compromised alot of my views to hold on to those i loved, yet would not accept the love they offered. I lost my temper about tiny things, but would tolerate the most hurtful angry words imaginable. I was afraid.

I didnt understand that i needed help, that i needed to get it out of my system and to quit blaming myself for it. It wasnt until i looked in the mirror one day and realized what i had become that i consented to seeing a counselor.

I always used to think cuonselors were for the weak, for the ones who couldnt figure stuff out on their own, for the ones who were indecisive and mindless followers. I must say now that i was very wrong.

My parents told me a counselor would listen without judgement, and were completely confidential. Not only were they someone who hardly knew me that i could spill my guts too, they wouldnt share the story at all. I finally caved when i realized how angry and hurt i was, and how quickly i was spinning to my destrucution.

I remeber the moment i went in there well, i was given a packet of papers to sign and fill out. the first was to give a description of what i was in there fo, as well a checklist of potential symptoms, including depression, suicidal thoughts, aand anger..i ended up having to check every single box. When i finished filling out the paperwork i was nearly intears. i hadnt realized how badly i needed help nor how far i fallen from my original self

Shortly afterwards my counselor called me in and asked me to sit down. we went over my paperwork, and after a short discussion of potential options he asked, "so why are you in here?"

I blinked at him and thought for a minute..why was i in here? because my parents pushed so hard? because i wanted to restore myself? because i was tired of being who i was?
i looked at him and spoke softly, "I'm in here, to find me. no one can fix me but myself. its my choice and i want to get better."
He nodded and said "that's half the solution right there"

Today i can honestly say im almost completely back to normal. i still have some trust issues, but im happy, im not giving up my dreams and i sure aint following someone else to find love.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Boys are yucky

after my recent breakup i have made a vow to take my time before getting into another relationship. but for some reason, a girl who says no is irresistable. in the four weeks since i started school (almost three months since my breakup) i have had no less then five, yes five, guys tell me they liked me, and only two of them havent pressured me for a relationship. its not that i couldnt like these people, but im trying really hard to give myself time to heal and be myself.
being single allows you to be completely unrestrained from others, you can hang out with whoever, whenever without feeling guilty. ts not that im a man hater, or that i dont hope to be married one day, but i want to be able to recover lol.
i think i am inheriting aphirdiotes abilities or something

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

is ready to f&*%! it really sucked. its really hard to stay focused on my goal, when i feel like the whole world is falling apart. i know its going to get worse before its gets better. im not saying my whole life sucks. but today was just BALONEY! AH
im done. im sooo reayd to just give up adn call its quits. but i know i really dont want to do that. i want to do well, i want to succeed i want to reach my dreams

Saturday, September 4, 2010

so what next?

haha i feel like im a conqueror. but im still trying to figure out what i have conquered. i feel confident, alive, and ambitious. i can and will do all, where ever my dreams take me. Right now im thinking NY for awhile, being a professional caricaturist. or maybe go to italy, and get some inspiration from the masters XD. i can do anything i put my mind to, i know i can.

one of the hardest lessons i have learned is to believe in me, just because someone says that its hard to do something..doesnt make it impossible, in fact it makes it even better when you reach your goal at the end!
quit giving up on something you want because it looks out of reach, you will never know until you try.

Power to those of you who will never give up on your dreams, even more to those who reach them, and help others to reach theirs

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

sunshine and roses..

Simple Joys

Little things in life that make me smile.
a cold dr pepper
a smile from a friend
a compliment from a stranger
a well worded email or comment on my facebook
good grades
playing my favorite songs on my ipod
being able to dance around crazily
an i love you from my baby sister
watching it rain..

i think too often we take life for granted
not everyone gets the opportunities we get

i cannot say that i have never taken life for granted.but now i make an attempt to smile more, to enjoy little things now..cuz it wont be long before i cant enjoy them.
Live to its fullest. No im not saying go spend all your money on a new xbox and enjoy the matierial joys...
notice the little things, ever have something that just makes you smile, something a fresh notebook? new socks/shoes? a sip of your favorite drink, a certain smell or friend?
i find a fresh sketchbook to be very reassuring, a finished sketch even more so.

enjoy the little things, before they pass you by.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

my eyes are open

in the midst of the hurricane..i am surrounded by peace. tho the wind is tearing out my hair, grit is destroying my skin, and i have long been deaf from teh roar of the storm..i can still smile.
every dream i held has been destroyed, and yet my laughter can be heard echoing in the wind. though i feel as though my heart cannot stand anymore pain, it is full of joy.
i think i know what you might be thinking...
she finally lost it...she didnt have much..but its gone now

nah. i was crazy before. i was limiting my dreams to what i knew was safe to expect. well..i will be a mom because..70% of people can be a mom. and i want to
well..i will be a teacher because we need teahcers and its a dependable paycheck...and i want to

always, i brainwashed myself into believeing i wanted it. when really i was giving up on my bigger dreams. i was settling. we only get ONE life. lets live it to its fullest. dont settle for anything less then your dreams, if you survive eating sandwiches and living in a small long as you are happy with where you are and what you are living life to its fullest.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Sometimes..its better to let go

i dont even know how to describe what im feeling, fear? intimidation? a loss of control...i have lost so much the past year...i am not giving up anymore. which is why i made the choice i made. sometimes, its better to let something die and sink..then to climb aboard and try to salvage what little is left.

I like to think of lost causes like the can get on the lifeboat, stay put, or listen to the music play as you go down. The latter two are not appealing to me. i am still young, i still have a lot of life left to live. the same time i dont want the boat to sink. i wish i was super man, and could lift it from the water. cant save everything and living in regrets only brings on depression and guilt. both of which have shown evidence of causing health problems.

i put too much into this specific cause. for too long. instead of evacuating the ship, i was mopping a broken deck adn trying to pretend everything was all right even though i was scared to death. i ignored the alarms for so long..that i couldnt hear them anymore...until the iceberg scraped against my ship...past the point of was time to abandon ship.

its not my first sinker...and i should have had the sensors on at full capacity and been watching for potential ice bergs...but i was ignorant, belieiving it could never sink. however fear and dread are a quick sober for the intoxication that bliss often brings.

now i have sounded the alarm, and abandoned ship. no im not being a good captian and going down with it. and i dont care

Sunday, July 25, 2010

A crumbling foundation

i got to thinking today. when a foundation falls apart underneath you, you cant fix it while your structure is on top, at least not well enough to permenantly dispose of the problem. you have to destroy the current structure, lay a new foundation, and build a completely new structure. otherwise you get cracks, which can often lead to more serious problems.

the problem i have been having is feeling as though i am this structure, and the foundation i laid my life on has not been strong enough to support me, nor has it been serving its function as a cementing place for my life. this is probably one of the hardest things i have ever had to do.
i have to sit down, and figure out what needs to go, what stays, and where i need to rebuild. i cant do this based on what i believe others will do, say or feel. i have to do this based on whats going to help me the most, whats going to be most productive towards my goal and my life. it sounds selfish, but living my life to please others has gotten me no where.

God please give me the strength adn the wisdom to make the oncoming decisions, the courage to rebuild broken relationships, and the grace to make an easy transition.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

felling better?

life can be confusing, but its all in your reaction and your attitude.
we cant change the world, only influence certain elements around us. lately i have been confusing emotion with action. its not wrong to be angry, its wrong to act based upon your anger. if we learn how to seperate ourselves from this issue, and see why we are really mad, and if its worth being angry about, then make a decision.
most of the things people in our society get mad about are trivial, and yes they can be important. but priority only goes to the things you give it to.
like a cell phone. yes it makes life more convienient and i really wish i had one, but its not a necessity.
life is more like a play, some scenes your on the stage playing your part, others you choose to sit back and watch them play out.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Why i Love You

when all the lights went out
and all seemed lost
when earth was about
to become a lost cause

there was a light
it seemed to get dimmer
no one moved towards it
it was barely a glimmer

earth cradled the candle
affection overflowing
not too hot to handle
and love was going

Through her veins
and into her heart
which bled so often
earth was torn apart

but the flame was moving
and it healed the rest
of her poor heart that was fluttering
for you knew what was best

but along came this candle
and once it had wick
it grew to the sun
because it had its pick

of affection so great
that bloomed into love
which grew into bonds
destined above

and earth changed alot
from a dark little seed
to a blossom so bright
it would not be believed

her stem grew tall
her leaves grew wide
her blossoms were amazing
and love took them astride

as the sun kissed the blossom
it became a tree
with roots so deep
yet leaves so free

the sun joined the tree
went inside its strong trunk
and deep inside
two thoughts were thunk

one became a man
very tall like the tree
the other a woman
whose spirit was finally free

inside they danced
no shame, no hate
just the man and the woman
their love was great

so great that the tree
could not contain love
so it burst at the roots
and they were sent above

to dance in the stars
that made their eyes shine
where all dreams that were yours
were also mine

to think this all started
with one little light
that refused to be extinguished
and tried to be bright.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Let me tie my shoes

i love my life. i have been in this shift of mind where i keep reflecting. the more i think about what i have been through, the happier i am that i never gave up. i have a great life. no its not perfect, but since when is life perfect? Me? i think i got pretty darn close.

this last year i see as a continuing test that i forgot to study for. now i get to cram and try to pass. I didnt do so hot last semester in school. now i get to make up for it. I get to retake the courses and still graduate slightly on time. Now its only my associates, but its a start. i then plan to head over to unm or another similar university and get my bachelors in secondary education. a bad semester isnt the end of the world. It's a chance to prove the world hasnt got you yet.

I think a problem i have been facing is a lack of motivation. i had a hard time getting excited about doing things that needed to be done. But now that i have my schedule figured out and a pretty good idea of what im doing the next two PSYCHED! i cant wait to start teaching! especially art....sigh i love art! and...its almost like God is nodding in approval. i talked to several people about my plans...including an old teacher friend of mine, who said they always pictured me becoming a teacher.

Now its up to me to get back on track, get focused and start running to the finish line. but this isnt a sprint. Life is a marathon, and if you give will never finish. The thing about races though...often you find people on the sidelines along the way, offering support, encouragement, and a cool refreshment.

I have my team, i have my running shoes. now its time to pick myself up and keep running. after all a marathon isnt about winning.....its about doing your best to get to that finish line

Monday, June 28, 2010

In a philosophical state of mind

after last night i have been a thoughful state of mind. im not sure what brought it about. maybe being so honest with myself made me start to think about how i have been thinking, my patterns and the way i have been thinking the last few months.

something i have noiced is it has been all about me. literally. until about last week when i started talking to mom about how to be a better sibling, daughter and girlfriend, i was a selfish little bit**. i didnt think about anyone else but me. i still struggle with it alot of the time. im trying to learn to be more patient and not to parent my younger siblings. its really hard not to becase mr i has developed this new habit where i tell him he needs to calm down or something and he says make me...irks me to death. i think i might be doing better but im not sure. i have been keeping my hands to myself.....biting my tongue instead of smarting off all the time. trying to think about how i would feel on their side if it was me.

i am not perfect i have a lot of work to do. its an ongoing process i guess.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Chapter one of she will be the death of me

very rough draft..some creative writing. cant write romance so i thought i would write a murder story..yeah

I stare at the window…not thru it. The reflection of the body in the glass haunts me. What a pitiful creature. Tear stained cheeks and a black eye. What a waste. She was so beautiful. Chestnut lock, though short were soft and luxurious, now lay streamed out beneath her head, framing the loveliness that now stared blankly ahead. Green eyes, unblinking, still twinkled even in death. That porcelain complexion still looked healthy even after the blood had left her cheeks.
Sasha deserved it. I walk over slowly to her body, my fingers stroke her soft cheek. Her full red lips have turned pale. My fingers trace her collar bone, her neck marred with the marks from my hands. I chose this method on purpose, I wanted her to know she was dying, to suffer as she made me suffer. I continue to stare at the corpse in fornt of me. So beautiful, yet so disgusting. She was such a vile creature preying upon the desires of man to get her petty inconvieniences. She flaunted that curvy frame, knowing men would stare and give her anything to get her attention. She didn’t deserve such beauty..not when I had to work so hard for everything I had in life everything! No man ever looked at me with such intense heat, no man ever swept me off my feet nor did they heed my voice when I called out in my time of need. All because of her.
I started plotting Sasha’s death sometime ago. I remember that day well, she knocked on my door at about three in the morning. I groggily crawled out of bed to find a truly distraught sasha standing out in the rain. She had been crying, and the makeup that enhanced her pretty features was pouring down her face in streams on her cheeks. She covered her lips with her hands in a prayer like gesture, smiled and hugged me. I stiffened. How dare she?
“can I come in?” she asked, “I need somewhere to stay the night.” Of course she did. This wasn’t the first time. Sasha had a bad habit of getting involved with the wrong crowd in her ploys for attention. And once she dumped the poor chum he often went looking for a gun. I envied the bastard for having the guts to do what I longed for.
“come in”
She climbed inside and crawled out of her stillettos, heading to bathroom awkwardly on her now flat feet. “you wont believe the night I have been through.” she said
“Try me.” I said coming up behind her in the bathroom as she tried uselessly to wipe off the thick eyeliner that had now stained her cheeks
“I don’t know what got into him…one minute we’re happy, having a few drinks…the next hes holding a knife to my throat.”
“who? Matthew?”
“no I left him a week ago..this is Jared” she said noncommittally as she continued to poke and prod at her face.
“…ok. You seem to be moving through men fairly fast. This isn’t the first time this has happened you know.”
She glared at me in the mirror and ignored me. Tears welled up in her eyes. “I don’t know why this happens to me, I mean you have never had these issues with men.”
I rolled my eyes. I never had these issues with men because I had to deal with her issues. I was often the one to call the police when men came looking for her here, I had been shot before, a bullet was stuck in my thigh to prove it, and a knife scar marred my belly.
“you just don’t understand what its like to be me. I go to parties to cut loose, relax have some fun and these people just come trying to start trouble. All they want is to sleep with me.
“maybe if you didn’t lead them on dear. I mean look at you!”
She turned towards me to give me a better look at her ensemble. Just as I feared. A short form fitting red dress with a low cut bodice to show off her ample cleavage, a corset to show off her figure, and the seven inch stillettos she had just taken off. The dress had practically nothing to it in the back, and the fabric of the skirt left nothing to the imagination of what was underneath it. Her hair looked as though she had been trysting with several men all night long and was pinned back on one side. Her makeup, though smeared over her face was heavy and still showed traces of its original application. Bright red lipstick on her perfect pout, heavy black eyeliner to accent her green eyes, and perfectly manicured eyebrow that had been perfected with eyebrow gel. Her nails were painted a coordinating red, and her body, though pale was not unhealthily colored. Any mans perfect wet dream.
No means no. she said affirmatively, just because I dance with a guy does not mean I want to sleep with him. I rolled my eyes. Her version of dancing with a man was grinding against him and bringing him to the brink of release before she would ditch him. Then as soon as a guy was giving her the attention she wanted she quickly moved her advances to a man who could care less about her. She always wanted what she couldn’t have.
“if you say so. Just know I care about you and I only want you to be safe, abd I don’t agree with the way you lead these drug stupored men on. They don’t think clearly and they only want revenge half the time. They don’t think about the jail sentence or electric chair.”
She walked up to me and embrace me tightly, her braless cleavage squished against me…it made me want to gag as she pulled back and her lip quivered. Im sorry she whispered, you are right.
She wandered out of the bathroom into my bedroom, going through my closet and taking a pair of pjs. As she secured her hair in a ponytail and sat on the couch I resented her more. So naturally gorgeous even in the mess she was in. traces of the makeup still resided under her eyes, making her look even more tired, but her well defined cheekbones wide spaced eyes, and flawless complexion drove me mad.

Thursday, June 24, 2010


so i have a new obsession that has me completely excited about clothes again! i used to do it all the time. i would alter some pieces and make them new again. well i started doing it again so im not tempted to spend money i dont have on clothes i dont really need. but yeah. i can keep my style cheaply pictures up soon!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Im a bad kid

sigh...yeah that about sums it up. i have always considered myself to be the black sheep of the family. mostly cuz i always got in trouble the most when i was a kid..and still do to this day. the red headed step child if you may. idk i always saw my self very separated from the rest of my family..idk how to explain it. even when i was sitting there with my whole family i felt very i wasnt really a part of them.
needless to say im a bad kid. thats not how families are supposed to be. families are supposed to be comfortable with each other, not stressing each other out, and patient. i am exactly the oppposite. i cause trouble.
im a bad example
i cant seem to do this right. i cant be a good example..or a stress free sister they want to hang out with. sigh..what to do
i guess im still not used to living back at home yet.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I wonder

why sometimes my heart skips a beat for no reason?

why sometimes i lie awake at night..thinking about nothing in particular, in one of the greatest moods ever.

how long it will take for my hair to grow out?

why even when the people you care about most say something ugly you can forgive them in like five minutes

why green eyes dont have a song like brown or blue eyes..shoot even hazel.

what kind of mother i would make?

why the thing sthat are so bad for you taste so freaking delicious?

when we decided that we needed bug houses and bird houses and dog houses....dont they live with us?

what it would take to get killer abs....without killing myself.

what if the sky was green and the grass was blue...

why some people think its gross when you blow your nose...its better then picking it

why do we need gold toilets? seriously your crap isnt worth that much

why its the best people that get stepped on the most in life. and the evil prevail...somethings not right

who invented the pattern clash rule? or never wear white after labor day rule? makes no sense...

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Blogging about a BOB

so..i love short hair i adore it sooo much. but...since the potential of a wedding is in my imminent future..we are talking a year or two. and i would love to have a mid length bob by then, long enough to curl, put up whatever i decide to do with it for my wedding. plan is that in eighteen months, i will have that do. I will do nothing but trim my hair, so that the ends begin to match up. I need help doing this. i get bored with my hair so i cut it again. if i want to grow it out i cant touch it.. so if you happen to read about me thinking about a hair cut in the next few years please argue with me about it raise hell. i want better hair for my do that i cant keep cutting it.
so day one....the top is three inches long, the back is 2.75.
to get the bob i want i need roughly eleven or twelve inches on top, ten or eleven on hair grows roughly an inch a month, maybe a little less. so i have a good...umm eight months or so to get that hair cut and maintain it
would love your support!!

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Sunday Afternoons

The car ride to church singing praise songs altogether,when i get to hear the two year olds voice mingle among others and she knows all the words. A three year old's prayer over snack time, his little hands folded and his eyes sqwunched up tight as he fervently thanks Jesus for his snack of graham crackers. Getting a greeting from some people who barely know you, even if its just a good morning or a subtle nod. SOmething about Sundays just make me smile.

My favorite part of Sundays are the afternoons when we go picnicking. Mom goes and gets some lunch..sometimes sandwiches, or chicken, once we even made some fried chicken just for the picnic. we go to the park, lay out te blankets in a shady spot and enjoy. Often some members of our party are too excited about the slides to eat much, but nothing is said. they go and enjoy the outdoors and the slides.

Often i just sit back and watch. It fun to watch the little ones conquer the big slide, or gain the ability to climb the chain net. Today i tried to be active with my siblings. they have been reaching out for my attention. maybe the reason we dont get along is my lack of interaction with them. Or interest even some days.

I discovered today that one of my rothers has the making of a great basebal player, and that one of my sisters only needs a little encouragment to do well. The baby of the famiyl has no fear, while the tank needs a little time to ge used to a certain situation. My mother and i are more similar then i realize sometimes.

Then when we get home...the magic is often lost as we meld back into our normal lives. The lives where hardly anyone tries to get along or be nice to each other. Myself included. Today i want to save some of the togetherness we shared. Like roling down the grassy hill because the tank wanted me to, or playing baseball with no outs for him. Watching my baby sister climb into my lap because she wants to, not because i asked her to. Seeing mom and dad unwind for a bit..even if its not for me.

Today i sat under a tree after feeling a bit hurt at something i reacted poorly to. But instead of feeling sorry fo rmyself..i tried to figure out why i felt hurt and whose fault it really was that i felt that way. After a brief moment i remembered something mom told me a loonnng time ago that i brushed off as old advice that would be no use to me.

You react the way you choose, its your choice.

And it really is that way, we choose to get angry or scared and indignant. Now that doesnt make it wrong nor does it make it right. But instead of being angry, we could choose to listen. Instead of wallowing in self pity, we could talk about why we feel hurt. I have a short temper..and a shorter fuse these days..but if I focus on why instead of might help a little. I wont focus as much on how you hurt ME and more on why does this bother me so it really their fault? Or am i hurt about how i felt ignored this morning? or how i got woke up? Or even just some imaginary thing i concocted in my head?

I love Sundays

Saturday, May 29, 2010

What do you do?

what do you do when you feel like the world has given up on you? When you feel abandoned and condemned, when you have no where left to turn to. What are you supposed to do when you are so angry at where you are at sometimes..but right now thats where you need to be? When taking care of yourself means sucking it up and being strong? When someone you love very much tells you things you know can be true sometimes..but you really dont want to hear them? The worst part is when this same person tells you something you know isnt true...and says it is.. when someone can look you in the eye and tell you that you are a certain way.
What do you do?

I dont know what to do. i don't like what i have been feeling. i hate looking in the mirror and hating the person i see, i hate hearing about how i have turned into this emotional mess, and how im not handling things correctly or doing things right. Im not perfect, im not trying to say i do everything right the first time..but i dont think its a reason to be embarrassed in front of others and kicked around when your still trying to get up off the floor. I know i have changed. i hate the person i have become as much as they do. but what am i supposed to do? really?

i write stuff all the time in an attempt to vent my feelings and works occasionally. but when you have to fight yourself everyday to get out of bed and live another day..maybe you need to be kicked around a little bit. Maybe when you lose the desire to exist on most days other people can see it...they can look right through the sheild you put up. Maybe thats why things are the way they are.

Me refusing these feelings and pretending they dont exist isnt good for me either. i dont want to be depressed...but when a longing for nonexistance is stronger then most other feelings almost everyday...thats not healthy. I have a wonderful life at home. i just dont appreciate it half the time. I have a wonderful boyfriend whom i love dearly and he loves me. I have an amazing God who was willing to send his son to die for me...why am i being so selfish and illtempered when i have it so good. why do i still feel like im spiraling downward and its not worth fighting anymore.

i understand as humans that its normal to be selfish once in a while. BUt feeling the way i do when i have the life i do is just wrong. Im blessed beyond compare and i still wish i wasnt here. I wish i could just run away from it all, from the hurt, from the embarrassment, from the fear and anxiety. I know im doing least i think i am. but im not seeing it. so what do i do? Its been a long time since everything just seemed to fall apart, and now things are starting to put themselves back together..but why do i still feel so lost? Why do i still feel like im doing something wrong...when i am doing everything in my power to make it right again?

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Friday, May 14, 2010

Cant stand myself sometimes

wow....tonight was a long one...and it still isnt over. i get so stressed and wound up...its like a cheap mc donalds toy thats broken because you wound it up too much.
i dont know what to do...i dont recognize myself anymore
i cant yelling and it doesnt help me at all
i need out...out of my body out of this stress. i cant do this anymore.
any ideas on destressing? i cant seem to do it......not enough sleep, and i cant keep thoughts out of my hmead for long. i maken up stuff to stress about....which makes no sense.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I just dont care anymore

you seems all some people want is to either get you, or get you mad. it frustrates me. but stewing on it isnt going to help, it will only give me a screwed up back and a stomach ache. i dont care. its not worth it

im finally able to relax for the most part, my headaches are minimal, my stomach only hurts occasionally, and my back is getting better everyday. i havent had a seizure in a happy

im very happy, i have an amazing boyfriend who would never do anything to hurt me, he loves me very much, and will do whatever it takes to help me, and i would do the same for him. Im back with my family, and life is good.

So give me the drama repellant, and send all complaints to the hand. i dont care

Friday, April 9, 2010

the future as we know it

last night something scary happened....i felt completely alone, hurt and scared as i tried to doze off...something was after me..then i kept blacking out...even in the middle of a phone call. thank you God for giving me friends who will take care of me. my roommate, my boyfriend,and my best friend made sure i was taken care of

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

As the scissors close

When you make a mistake that has the potential to destroy everything you have worked for and care about, its an eye opening experience. almost like a near death one. Except these have the potential to hurt you more, cuz they tend to be your own stupid fault. Because of this mistake i made recently i decided to reevaluate my opinion of myself. in this sense i can find my faults and learn how to compensate for them in the future, which would all ow me to be a better person.

so far i have not really liked what i have seen. im nomt a good person most of the time. but its all part of finding yourself and who you are.

i can be very selfish adn vain. i love attention, and i am a compulsive liar. i love to flirt and i love to get reactions out of people. i can be quite stubborn and impatient, and i have major commitment issues. Yet i can be a very jealous girlfriend. I envy alot of what i cant have, and dont appreciate what i do have. alot of the things i have pushed for in klife i pushed for merely because i knew i would get something out of it. i can also be very very veyr lazy

Seeing things like this is a sobering experience. Humans are not pretty creatures, we are ugly sinful things that lust and envy. i dont like what im seeing, but seeing it allows me to embrace who i am and become a better person because of it. How shallow would i be if i told i did not have pride and faults?

I am sad that it took a mistake this bad to make me realize how much i needed to wake up and change. i didnt use to be like least i dont think i have. but when you wake up to find yourself at rock bottom, you need to find a way back up.

My prayers are frequent and fervent. most of them for strength to be humble enough to apologize to those i hurt and for forgiveness i dont deserve. i was raised in a decent household and there is no excuse for the way i have become besides the result of my own choices.

another thing i have been pondering is change. i have been wanting to cut my hair, change the way i look for awhile. if i am already changing the way i want to act i should change my outer appearance too. so i can get a real fresh start.
So either tomorrow or the day, as my hair hits the floor of the barber shop, i shed off all my old mistkes and begin my journey to rebuilding my relationships with my loved ones, with God, and with myself.

now everytime i look in the mirror, i will remind myself that i can be a better person and i am not limited to my old habits. i am strong enough to break them and rise above them.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Im writing a song.....

being a vocal performance major, i get to be inspired randomly i guess. im writing a song, and i would love some help. still working out the tune...but the lyrics are hard. idk, i doubt this will ever be sold anywhere unless you like youtube and i get a way to put it there.

Here's what i have so far

Title: Golden Eyes

I sit beside you
Loving your eyes
As they shine that
lovely golden color
We get lost
as we dream
about the hopes we share

above the clouds
beside the moon
we float peacefully
among the stars
Our home is
made of orange peels
you look at me
them my head reels
and spins around....

I take a deep breathe
gotta calm down
i forgot how to breathe
gotta come around
wake me up
this cant be true
how did i get as lucky
as to have you?

Wake me up
before i fall
too hard
this is too good to be real
wake me up
as i melt
i find it so hard
to believe
you are mine...


I float on down
into your
embracing each other
your lips meet
and i know that this is true
I love you


now i dont know
that this
feeling is real
no matter what
i think it should be
but then i forget how to breathe


I love you

Sunday, January 31, 2010

You know you screwed up when...

Today marks the almost six month anniversary of me going away to college, and i dare say it feels like im sixty years older since i went away. You learn alot the first time you live on your own...
Me,im still learning alot. But i can honestly say i learned aot mroe than i thought i needed to. I have gained such insight on myself. I learned that i can be quite a coward when it comes to certain things. Certain cars, stairs, ice, and arguments make me sweat.
While i have been away, i realize mom and dad were right about so many things, and i used to swear they didnt know anything. Well obviously i was wrong. My parents have been my steadfast place to go when everything else is going wrong. They always told me they would love me no matter what, and they were right.

I have fought my way through depression, denial, and hurt. And i am stronger because of it. Now i am so amazingly happy, i have an amazing boyfriend, my school is going well, i have a job that i love. as sad as i used to be thats how happy i am now.
I love you mom and dad
I love you michael

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Financial Aid/Moving and other fun forms

Went in to discuss housing options as of now since my roommate moved out and so did my friend Miss L's(changed for privacy) Because i hate D hall so much(the block i live in) i am hoping i will get to be Miss L's roommate as she is a fairly close friend and stuff. But due to freezing of the system as they check adn see who is still here and who is not i get to wait it out and see if this will even be an option by the end of te month. Also i checked my financial aid and to my understanding, this is not a final quote i am getting this double checked tomorrow, as of now with all of my current fin aid paid to my account already i still owe over 1300 dollars. Im pretty torked about it as i got the same amount of money tis semester if not more to help me.
So i go in tomorrow to get this double checked and see if i have more money coming in. if not i may have to take out a loan again....which i would prefer not do because i would ave been fine wihtout one last semester if i had not jumped the gun.
So there is my venting for the day

Sunday, January 17, 2010

I miss you the most

Im 500 miles away from home
and you are so far away
but this is merely temporary
a test
we will be together again
now i must be strong
and do well in school
so that we may have a strong future
i love you dearest

Monday, January 11, 2010

back at school

im back at school. so yeah...thats it