so...school i in full swing, and i feel more productive then i have in a long time...at the same time, i dont feel alive.
i follow the sama monotonous pattern day in and day out, week after week. i don't have much to look forward to, and its depressing. i feel almost like a broken record, stuck in a groove on the vinyl, playing the same line over adn over and over.
i know it will get better. at least, im 99% sure. or maybe..67% i dont know. I feel almost like this is all a meaningless tedious step in the master product, like gridding a canvas or laying a foundation. I have to get through this to move on, but good night nurse it is sooooo boring.
at this point i feel fairly useless. I have my own schedule, and it often differs from my family, so i really dont get to see much of anyone. i went from a social butterfly, to a lone wolf who occassionally gets back with the pack.
and as much as i hate to admit it, i miss having a relationship in a way. i dont miss the particular person my last one was with, i dont miss the drama that normally goes with them, but i miss knowing someone so well, that they could complete your thought, that they would go out of their way to visit you, to make sure you were doing all right. to feel comforted merely by the fact that they were there.
At the same time the idea of commitment on such a level frightens me. i would have to let someone get to know me that well to know them on such a level. I would have to be willing to lower my walls and let someone inside. Im not ready for that step yet.
i dont want to be..i dont think. the thing about building walls, is you tend to get pretty lonely inside.