Sunday, May 30, 2010

Sunday Afternoons

The car ride to church singing praise songs altogether,when i get to hear the two year olds voice mingle among others and she knows all the words. A three year old's prayer over snack time, his little hands folded and his eyes sqwunched up tight as he fervently thanks Jesus for his snack of graham crackers. Getting a greeting from some people who barely know you, even if its just a good morning or a subtle nod. SOmething about Sundays just make me smile.

My favorite part of Sundays are the afternoons when we go picnicking. Mom goes and gets some lunch..sometimes sandwiches, or chicken, once we even made some fried chicken just for the picnic. we go to the park, lay out te blankets in a shady spot and enjoy. Often some members of our party are too excited about the slides to eat much, but nothing is said. they go and enjoy the outdoors and the slides.

Often i just sit back and watch. It fun to watch the little ones conquer the big slide, or gain the ability to climb the chain net. Today i tried to be active with my siblings. they have been reaching out for my attention. maybe the reason we dont get along is my lack of interaction with them. Or interest even some days.

I discovered today that one of my rothers has the making of a great basebal player, and that one of my sisters only needs a little encouragment to do well. The baby of the famiyl has no fear, while the tank needs a little time to ge used to a certain situation. My mother and i are more similar then i realize sometimes.

Then when we get home...the magic is often lost as we meld back into our normal lives. The lives where hardly anyone tries to get along or be nice to each other. Myself included. Today i want to save some of the togetherness we shared. Like roling down the grassy hill because the tank wanted me to, or playing baseball with no outs for him. Watching my baby sister climb into my lap because she wants to, not because i asked her to. Seeing mom and dad unwind for a bit..even if its not for me.

Today i sat under a tree after feeling a bit hurt at something i reacted poorly to. But instead of feeling sorry fo rmyself..i tried to figure out why i felt hurt and whose fault it really was that i felt that way. After a brief moment i remembered something mom told me a loonnng time ago that i brushed off as old advice that would be no use to me.

You react the way you choose, its your choice.

And it really is that way, we choose to get angry or scared and indignant. Now that doesnt make it wrong nor does it make it right. But instead of being angry, we could choose to listen. Instead of wallowing in self pity, we could talk about why we feel hurt. I have a short temper..and a shorter fuse these days..but if I focus on why instead of might help a little. I wont focus as much on how you hurt ME and more on why does this bother me so it really their fault? Or am i hurt about how i felt ignored this morning? or how i got woke up? Or even just some imaginary thing i concocted in my head?

I love Sundays

Saturday, May 29, 2010

What do you do?

what do you do when you feel like the world has given up on you? When you feel abandoned and condemned, when you have no where left to turn to. What are you supposed to do when you are so angry at where you are at sometimes..but right now thats where you need to be? When taking care of yourself means sucking it up and being strong? When someone you love very much tells you things you know can be true sometimes..but you really dont want to hear them? The worst part is when this same person tells you something you know isnt true...and says it is.. when someone can look you in the eye and tell you that you are a certain way.
What do you do?

I dont know what to do. i don't like what i have been feeling. i hate looking in the mirror and hating the person i see, i hate hearing about how i have turned into this emotional mess, and how im not handling things correctly or doing things right. Im not perfect, im not trying to say i do everything right the first time..but i dont think its a reason to be embarrassed in front of others and kicked around when your still trying to get up off the floor. I know i have changed. i hate the person i have become as much as they do. but what am i supposed to do? really?

i write stuff all the time in an attempt to vent my feelings and works occasionally. but when you have to fight yourself everyday to get out of bed and live another day..maybe you need to be kicked around a little bit. Maybe when you lose the desire to exist on most days other people can see it...they can look right through the sheild you put up. Maybe thats why things are the way they are.

Me refusing these feelings and pretending they dont exist isnt good for me either. i dont want to be depressed...but when a longing for nonexistance is stronger then most other feelings almost everyday...thats not healthy. I have a wonderful life at home. i just dont appreciate it half the time. I have a wonderful boyfriend whom i love dearly and he loves me. I have an amazing God who was willing to send his son to die for me...why am i being so selfish and illtempered when i have it so good. why do i still feel like im spiraling downward and its not worth fighting anymore.

i understand as humans that its normal to be selfish once in a while. BUt feeling the way i do when i have the life i do is just wrong. Im blessed beyond compare and i still wish i wasnt here. I wish i could just run away from it all, from the hurt, from the embarrassment, from the fear and anxiety. I know im doing least i think i am. but im not seeing it. so what do i do? Its been a long time since everything just seemed to fall apart, and now things are starting to put themselves back together..but why do i still feel so lost? Why do i still feel like im doing something wrong...when i am doing everything in my power to make it right again?

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Friday, May 14, 2010

Cant stand myself sometimes

wow....tonight was a long one...and it still isnt over. i get so stressed and wound up...its like a cheap mc donalds toy thats broken because you wound it up too much.
i dont know what to do...i dont recognize myself anymore
i cant yelling and it doesnt help me at all
i need out...out of my body out of this stress. i cant do this anymore.
any ideas on destressing? i cant seem to do it......not enough sleep, and i cant keep thoughts out of my hmead for long. i maken up stuff to stress about....which makes no sense.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I just dont care anymore

you seems all some people want is to either get you, or get you mad. it frustrates me. but stewing on it isnt going to help, it will only give me a screwed up back and a stomach ache. i dont care. its not worth it

im finally able to relax for the most part, my headaches are minimal, my stomach only hurts occasionally, and my back is getting better everyday. i havent had a seizure in a happy

im very happy, i have an amazing boyfriend who would never do anything to hurt me, he loves me very much, and will do whatever it takes to help me, and i would do the same for him. Im back with my family, and life is good.

So give me the drama repellant, and send all complaints to the hand. i dont care