Monday, November 30, 2009

Doors hate me

so in the last two days i have shut the same hand in about seven different things....resulting in an injured finger

1. shut it in the front door, causint the initial injury. my finger turned purple, bled under the nail, and needed to be immobilized for comfort.
2. mom accidently shut my hand in the car door, besides a tiny mark by my pinky knuckel, there is nothing to show for it
3. shut my hand i my desk drawer, finger began to go numb
4. shut my hand in my friends car door
5. shut my hand in my bathroom door
6. shut my hand in my doo, finger began to bleed again, tip is completely funny shaped..pretty sure its broken.. it hurts really bed
7. shut my finger in (drum roll please) the door to the food court!

As a result my middle finger on my left hand is bruised purple and white (dont ask me how i got white bruises i didnt know they were pssible until now) the tip is completely immobile and swollen, the nail may come off soon, and even to i have immoilized my finger i have a pretty good feeling that its broken. i also have a small bruise that is hardly noticable on my pinky knuckle, and despite being a little sore the rest of my hand is no worse for wear.

In conclusion. doors really hate me!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Deck the halls with bottles of pills-i need them extra strength ones

Holiday decorating can be the most insane part of my household. BUt at the same time i adore almost every minute of it. When we come together to decorate the tree, adding some extraodrinary bits and pieces that lead ot older memories and fond times, i cant help but smile and relax. Sure there are times when i am very stressed and want to tear my hair out by the roots. BUt without those times i cant appreciate the times when we work together as a family.

I love my family, they helped make me who i i dont love everything that happens involving my family. i dont love the mess and chaos we have sometimes. no i dont adore dirty diapers and potty training. I dont adore incessant chatter all the time, even though i am the one who starts it all.

Families and holidays are the same. stressful at times, but you dont remember much of that later on.

Friday, November 27, 2009

The Chaos that is my Home

thanksgiving is a time when all of us should count our blessings and be thankful we have what we do. And i am. In our household i find that the people who live here bring me comfort and joy....most of the time. I consider myself to be a very stoing person. I can bottle almost anything you throw at me with out a hint of emotion. BUt when someone who you have tried to love dearly, tried to help, tried to love and care about, tried to be a sister to, tells you that they never want you to come back, it hurts. I am still astounded at my reaction to this remark. You can tell me to my face that i am the ugliest most selfish person that you have never known, an di can shoulder it. but for some reason this biting response tore into my heart.

I dont know if i can love her anymore. I cant love someone who doesnt love me, or care for me, or even herself. I want with all my might to be close to her, but every time i try to, every time i try to help her, she pushes me away and blames me for the lack of effort in our relationship. I have idolized my sister for most of my life, it wasnt until just recently that i realized i should not idolize her. She would only hold me back if i modeled myself against her. I loved her dearly.

Now though. its different. After she looked me in the eye and said to my face that i should not come back for christmas, something died. a shred of hoep i guess. that maybe someday should would get over whatever was holding her back from getting close to me, and we could be sisters like we used to be. Friendly, open, close, with no resentment.

I wish i could feel the saem way about her as i did before, and maybe this is just anger and disappointment getting to me. i hope thats all it is. because i want to love my sister. but right now i cant stand her

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Am i doing this right?

today has been one of the first days i have been home in about three months. While being home i wonder what changed about me. I come home and i find myself more patient but also less so. I can tolerate more of certain things and less of others. I love my family more deeply, but i can see the chaos i refused to acknowledge before.

It makes me wonder...i screwed up alot the first month of college. I made alot of mistakes, had alot done wrong to me, had a lot of drama. but at the saem time i dont want to erase that. i can't ignore what i did, but i can learn from it. But am i doing what's right for me?

am i living life correctly? being the student, sister, friend and daughter i should be? I disappoint so jus makes me wonder if maybe somewhere i am doing something right.

i am blessed with two wonderful parents who have stuck by my side even when i was doing everything wrong. when i was being a self absorbed brat. and i hope and pray everyday that i can do something to make them proud. To show them they didnt screw up by having me.

Apparently something has changed. since i have been in college i hardly ever wear makeup, and i dont obsess about what i am wearing the same way i used to. and people still love me despite the flaws in me that are so plain. Maybe mom and dad were right, despite my selfish attention seeking ways, and my poor complexion, there is something that i am doing right. and no amount of primping can change that.

College has been one of the best experiences of my life, but also one of the worst. living on your own shows how strong your moral standings are and how strong you actually are. I have seen my failings...and im not proud of them, but they made me stronger and more resilient to my insistent urge to please. some people dont deserve to be in my life, no matter what they do to try and force themselves into it

My life is just beginning, but at the same time i feel like its ending, at least a chapter of it. i can no longer be the little girl in ribbons and curls, and must evolve into a mature young woman who can take care of herself and others. i dont know if i am doing this right....

no one ever told me how to live my life, they just put suggestions into the suggestions box. it's my responsibilty to check them.

Let me praise my daddy for a minute, because people dont do that often enough. My dad has been with me all of my life, and has always been my idol. these past few months have been easier because i looked forward to chatting with my daddy. he is an amazing man. he has stood by me despite my short comings, he has pushed me to reach for success becaus ei can reach it no matter what. My dad is my hero. He has been so strong despite what life has thrown at him. Even now, when he cant walk unassisted for long periods of time he still puts other first. i love my daddy. and i want to thank him for pushing me to get over my mistakes and to rise above those who dont deserve my time. he taught me the most important things, how to laugh, how to succeed, how to love unconditionally. i love you dad

My mom is amazing too. she has helped me with things dad know those girly things. boy trouble, depression, anger and hormones. she was the one i would turn to when i fought with dad, or when i didnt understand the situation. Mom taught me how to be myself. I am beautiful creative and outgoing, i have a beautiful voice and can do anything i put my mind to, i am a social butterfly. just like mom. My mom has been the epitome of what i would like to be since i was little. despite what my parents say, at times i want nothing more but to be a stay at home mother. those memories of cooking together, laughin talking and just sitting near each other warm my heart and make me wish i can be half the mother my mom is. i love oyu mom

-to both of my parents

you have taught me so much about life and love. i cant repay you. i only hope that as i spread my wings, that you will continue to catch me when i fall. that no matter how bad i screw up, you will still love me the same way you do now. I hope i dont disappoint you too much...and that i can become the woman you pruned me to be. I cant ever repay you for giving me life and teaching me the important things....but i hope i can turn out how you want me to. I love you both so much. daddy, thanks for giving me your eyes, i love them, and i love how they remind me of how alike we are in appearance. its a special bond only i have with you.. Mom, everytime i put a pencil to paper i think of you and how alike we are in personality. despite all the fights we had, all the threats and hateful words, you still love me. thank you. you both are my world. if i lost either of you i dont think i could continue on. i love you so much!

Your daughter

Monday, November 2, 2009

Stupid Me

i fell again
fell really hard
what was i thinking?
i guess i wasnt
why do i get so attached?
when they barely know i am there?
i guess i am a hopeless romantic.,,
but this wont matter in a year
so i will pretend i dont hurt
and go on with my life
until i forget about it
but for now
let me cry
let me heal
if i dont, it will only get worse
let me be upset
let me be a little sad
and then i can go on with life
and find happiness again