Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Am i doing this right?

today has been one of the first days i have been home in about three months. While being home i wonder what changed about me. I come home and i find myself more patient but also less so. I can tolerate more of certain things and less of others. I love my family more deeply, but i can see the chaos i refused to acknowledge before.

It makes me wonder...i screwed up alot the first month of college. I made alot of mistakes, had alot done wrong to me, had a lot of drama. but at the saem time i dont want to erase that. i can't ignore what i did, but i can learn from it. But am i doing what's right for me?

am i living life correctly? being the student, sister, friend and daughter i should be? I disappoint so many..it jus makes me wonder if maybe somewhere i am doing something right.

i am blessed with two wonderful parents who have stuck by my side even when i was doing everything wrong. when i was being a self absorbed brat. and i hope and pray everyday that i can do something to make them proud. To show them they didnt screw up by having me.

Apparently something has changed. since i have been in college i hardly ever wear makeup, and i dont obsess about what i am wearing the same way i used to. and people still love me despite the flaws in me that are so plain. Maybe mom and dad were right, despite my selfish attention seeking ways, and my poor complexion, there is something that i am doing right. and no amount of primping can change that.

College has been one of the best experiences of my life, but also one of the worst. living on your own shows how strong your moral standings are and how strong you actually are. I have seen my failings...and im not proud of them, but they made me stronger and more resilient to my insistent urge to please. some people dont deserve to be in my life, no matter what they do to try and force themselves into it

My life is just beginning, but at the same time i feel like its ending, at least a chapter of it. i can no longer be the little girl in ribbons and curls, and must evolve into a mature young woman who can take care of herself and others. i dont know if i am doing this right....

no one ever told me how to live my life, they just put suggestions into the suggestions box. it's my responsibilty to check them.

Let me praise my daddy for a minute, because people dont do that often enough. My dad has been with me all of my life, and has always been my idol. these past few months have been easier because i looked forward to chatting with my daddy. he is an amazing man. he has stood by me despite my short comings, he has pushed me to reach for success becaus ei can reach it no matter what. My dad is my hero. He has been so strong despite what life has thrown at him. Even now, when he cant walk unassisted for long periods of time he still puts other first. i love my daddy. and i want to thank him for pushing me to get over my mistakes and to rise above those who dont deserve my time. he taught me the most important things, how to laugh, how to succeed, how to love unconditionally. i love you dad

My mom is amazing too. she has helped me with things dad couldnt...you know those girly things. boy trouble, depression, anger and hormones. she was the one i would turn to when i fought with dad, or when i didnt understand the situation. Mom taught me how to be myself. I am beautiful creative and outgoing, i have a beautiful voice and can do anything i put my mind to, i am a social butterfly. just like mom. My mom has been the epitome of what i would like to be since i was little. despite what my parents say, at times i want nothing more but to be a stay at home mother. those memories of cooking together, laughin talking and just sitting near each other warm my heart and make me wish i can be half the mother my mom is. i love oyu mom

-to both of my parents

you have taught me so much about life and love. i cant repay you. i only hope that as i spread my wings, that you will continue to catch me when i fall. that no matter how bad i screw up, you will still love me the same way you do now. I hope i dont disappoint you too much...and that i can become the woman you pruned me to be. I cant ever repay you for giving me life and teaching me the important things....but i hope i can turn out how you want me to. I love you both so much. daddy, thanks for giving me your eyes, i love them, and i love how they remind me of how alike we are in appearance. its a special bond only i have with you.. Mom, everytime i put a pencil to paper i think of you and how alike we are in personality. despite all the fights we had, all the threats and hateful words, you still love me. thank you. you both are my world. if i lost either of you i dont think i could continue on. i love you so much!

Your daughter

1 comment:

  1. oh, sure, make me all cry and stuff! Guys aren't supposed to cry!