Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Let me tie my shoes

i love my life. i have been in this shift of mind where i keep reflecting. the more i think about what i have been through, the happier i am that i never gave up. i have a great life. no its not perfect, but since when is life perfect? Me? i think i got pretty darn close.

this last year i see as a continuing test that i forgot to study for. now i get to cram and try to pass. I didnt do so hot last semester in school. now i get to make up for it. I get to retake the courses and still graduate slightly on time. Now its only my associates, but its a start. i then plan to head over to unm or another similar university and get my bachelors in secondary education. a bad semester isnt the end of the world. It's a chance to prove the world hasnt got you yet.

I think a problem i have been facing is a lack of motivation. i had a hard time getting excited about doing things that needed to be done. But now that i have my schedule figured out and a pretty good idea of what im doing the next two years....im PSYCHED! i cant wait to start teaching! especially art....sigh i love art! and...its almost like God is nodding in approval. i talked to several people about my plans...including an old teacher friend of mine, who said they always pictured me becoming a teacher.

Now its up to me to get back on track, get focused and start running to the finish line. but this isnt a sprint. Life is a marathon, and if you give up..you will never finish. The thing about races though...often you find people on the sidelines along the way, offering support, encouragement, and a cool refreshment.

I have my team, i have my running shoes. now its time to pick myself up and keep running. after all a marathon isnt about winning.....its about doing your best to get to that finish line

Monday, June 28, 2010

In a philosophical state of mind

after last night i have been a thoughful state of mind. im not sure what brought it about. maybe being so honest with myself made me start to think about how i have been thinking, my patterns and the way i have been thinking the last few months.

something i have noiced is it has been all about me. literally. until about last week when i started talking to mom about how to be a better sibling, daughter and girlfriend, i was a selfish little bit**. i didnt think about anyone else but me. i still struggle with it alot of the time. im trying to learn to be more patient and not to parent my younger siblings. its really hard not to becase mr i has developed this new habit where i tell him he needs to calm down or something and he says make me...irks me to death. i think i might be doing better but im not sure. i have been keeping my hands to myself.....biting my tongue instead of smarting off all the time. trying to think about how i would feel on their side if it was me.

i am not perfect i have a lot of work to do. its an ongoing process i guess.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Chapter one of she will be the death of me

very rough draft..some creative writing. cant write romance so i thought i would write a murder story..yeah

I stare at the window…not thru it. The reflection of the body in the glass haunts me. What a pitiful creature. Tear stained cheeks and a black eye. What a waste. She was so beautiful. Chestnut lock, though short were soft and luxurious, now lay streamed out beneath her head, framing the loveliness that now stared blankly ahead. Green eyes, unblinking, still twinkled even in death. That porcelain complexion still looked healthy even after the blood had left her cheeks.
Sasha deserved it. I walk over slowly to her body, my fingers stroke her soft cheek. Her full red lips have turned pale. My fingers trace her collar bone, her neck marred with the marks from my hands. I chose this method on purpose, I wanted her to know she was dying, to suffer as she made me suffer. I continue to stare at the corpse in fornt of me. So beautiful, yet so disgusting. She was such a vile creature preying upon the desires of man to get her petty inconvieniences. She flaunted that curvy frame, knowing men would stare and give her anything to get her attention. She didn’t deserve such beauty..not when I had to work so hard for everything I had in life everything! No man ever looked at me with such intense heat, no man ever swept me off my feet nor did they heed my voice when I called out in my time of need. All because of her.
I started plotting Sasha’s death sometime ago. I remember that day well, she knocked on my door at about three in the morning. I groggily crawled out of bed to find a truly distraught sasha standing out in the rain. She had been crying, and the makeup that enhanced her pretty features was pouring down her face in streams on her cheeks. She covered her lips with her hands in a prayer like gesture, smiled and hugged me. I stiffened. How dare she?
“can I come in?” she asked, “I need somewhere to stay the night.” Of course she did. This wasn’t the first time. Sasha had a bad habit of getting involved with the wrong crowd in her ploys for attention. And once she dumped the poor chum he often went looking for a gun. I envied the bastard for having the guts to do what I longed for.
“come in”
She climbed inside and crawled out of her stillettos, heading to bathroom awkwardly on her now flat feet. “you wont believe the night I have been through.” she said
“Try me.” I said coming up behind her in the bathroom as she tried uselessly to wipe off the thick eyeliner that had now stained her cheeks
“I don’t know what got into him…one minute we’re happy, having a few drinks…the next hes holding a knife to my throat.”
“who? Matthew?”
“no I left him a week ago..this is Jared” she said noncommittally as she continued to poke and prod at her face.
“…ok. You seem to be moving through men fairly fast. This isn’t the first time this has happened you know.”
She glared at me in the mirror and ignored me. Tears welled up in her eyes. “I don’t know why this happens to me, I mean you have never had these issues with men.”
I rolled my eyes. I never had these issues with men because I had to deal with her issues. I was often the one to call the police when men came looking for her here, I had been shot before, a bullet was stuck in my thigh to prove it, and a knife scar marred my belly.
“you just don’t understand what its like to be me. I go to parties to cut loose, relax have some fun and these people just come trying to start trouble. All they want is to sleep with me.
“maybe if you didn’t lead them on dear. I mean look at you!”
She turned towards me to give me a better look at her ensemble. Just as I feared. A short form fitting red dress with a low cut bodice to show off her ample cleavage, a corset to show off her figure, and the seven inch stillettos she had just taken off. The dress had practically nothing to it in the back, and the fabric of the skirt left nothing to the imagination of what was underneath it. Her hair looked as though she had been trysting with several men all night long and was pinned back on one side. Her makeup, though smeared over her face was heavy and still showed traces of its original application. Bright red lipstick on her perfect pout, heavy black eyeliner to accent her green eyes, and perfectly manicured eyebrow that had been perfected with eyebrow gel. Her nails were painted a coordinating red, and her body, though pale was not unhealthily colored. Any mans perfect wet dream.
No means no. she said affirmatively, just because I dance with a guy does not mean I want to sleep with him. I rolled my eyes. Her version of dancing with a man was grinding against him and bringing him to the brink of release before she would ditch him. Then as soon as a guy was giving her the attention she wanted she quickly moved her advances to a man who could care less about her. She always wanted what she couldn’t have.
“if you say so. Just know I care about you and I only want you to be safe, abd I don’t agree with the way you lead these drug stupored men on. They don’t think clearly and they only want revenge half the time. They don’t think about the jail sentence or electric chair.”
She walked up to me and embrace me tightly, her braless cleavage squished against me…it made me want to gag as she pulled back and her lip quivered. Im sorry she whispered, you are right.
She wandered out of the bathroom into my bedroom, going through my closet and taking a pair of pjs. As she secured her hair in a ponytail and sat on the couch I resented her more. So naturally gorgeous even in the mess she was in. traces of the makeup still resided under her eyes, making her look even more tired, but her well defined cheekbones wide spaced eyes, and flawless complexion drove me mad.

Thursday, June 24, 2010


so i have a new obsession that has me completely excited about clothes again! i used to do it all the time. i would alter some pieces and make them new again. well i started doing it again so im not tempted to spend money i dont have on clothes i dont really need. but yeah. i can keep my style cheaply pictures up soon!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Im a bad kid

sigh...yeah that about sums it up. i have always considered myself to be the black sheep of the family. mostly cuz i always got in trouble the most when i was a kid..and still do to this day. the red headed step child if you may. idk i always saw my self very separated from the rest of my family..idk how to explain it. even when i was sitting there with my whole family i felt very lonely....like i wasnt really a part of them.
needless to say im a bad kid. thats not how families are supposed to be. families are supposed to be comfortable with each other, not stressing each other out, and patient. i am exactly the oppposite. i cause trouble.
im a bad example
i cant seem to do this right. i cant be a good example..or a stress free sister they want to hang out with. sigh..what to do
i guess im still not used to living back at home yet.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I wonder

why sometimes my heart skips a beat for no reason?

why sometimes i lie awake at night..thinking about nothing in particular, in one of the greatest moods ever.

how long it will take for my hair to grow out?

why even when the people you care about most say something ugly you can forgive them in like five minutes

why green eyes dont have a song like brown or blue eyes..shoot even hazel.

what kind of mother i would make?

why the thing sthat are so bad for you taste so freaking delicious?

when we decided that we needed bug houses and bird houses and dog houses....dont they live with us?

what it would take to get killer abs....without killing myself.

what if the sky was green and the grass was blue...

why some people think its gross when you blow your nose...its better then picking it

why do we need gold toilets? seriously your crap isnt worth that much

why its the best people that get stepped on the most in life. and the evil prevail...somethings not right

who invented the pattern clash rule? or never wear white after labor day rule? makes no sense...

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Blogging about a BOB

so..i love short hair i adore it sooo much. but...since the potential of a wedding is in my imminent future..we are talking a year or two. and i would love to have a mid length bob by then, long enough to curl, put up whatever i decide to do with it for my wedding. so...my plan is that in eighteen months, i will have that do. I will do nothing but trim my hair, so that the ends begin to match up. I need help doing this. i get bored with my hair so i cut it again. if i want to grow it out i cant touch it.. so if you happen to read about me thinking about a hair cut in the next few years please argue with me about it raise hell. i want better hair for my wedding..to do that i cant keep cutting it.
so day one....the top is three inches long, the back is 2.75.
to get the bob i want i need roughly eleven or twelve inches on top, ten or eleven on back..my hair grows roughly an inch a month, maybe a little less. so i have a good...umm eight months or so to get that hair cut and maintain it
would love your support!!