Tuesday, August 31, 2010

my eyes are open

in the midst of the hurricane..i am surrounded by peace. tho the wind is tearing out my hair, grit is destroying my skin, and i have long been deaf from teh roar of the storm..i can still smile.
every dream i held has been destroyed, and yet my laughter can be heard echoing in the wind. though i feel as though my heart cannot stand anymore pain, it is full of joy.
i think i know what you might be thinking...
she finally lost it...she didnt have much..but its gone now

nah. i was crazy before. i was limiting my dreams to what i knew was safe to expect. well..i will be a mom because..70% of people can be a mom. and i want to
well..i will be a teacher because we need teahcers and its a dependable paycheck...and i want to

always, i brainwashed myself into believeing i wanted it. when really i was giving up on my bigger dreams. i was settling. we only get ONE life. lets live it to its fullest. dont settle for anything less then your dreams, if you survive eating sandwiches and living in a small trailer...as long as you are happy with where you are and what you do...you are living life to its fullest.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Sometimes..its better to let go

i dont even know how to describe what im feeling, fear? intimidation? a loss of control...i have lost so much the past year...i am not giving up anymore. which is why i made the choice i made. sometimes, its better to let something die and sink..then to climb aboard and try to salvage what little is left.

I like to think of lost causes like the titanic...you can get on the lifeboat, stay put, or listen to the music play as you go down. The latter two are not appealing to me. i am still young, i still have a lot of life left to live. but..at the same time i dont want the boat to sink. i wish i was super man, and could lift it from the water. but......you cant save everything and living in regrets only brings on depression and guilt. both of which have shown evidence of causing health problems.

i put too much into this specific cause. for too long. instead of evacuating the ship, i was mopping a broken deck adn trying to pretend everything was all right even though i was scared to death. i ignored the alarms for so long..that i couldnt hear them anymore...until the iceberg scraped against my ship...past the point of salvation..it was time to abandon ship.

its not my first sinker...and i should have had the sensors on at full capacity and been watching for potential ice bergs...but i was ignorant, belieiving it could never sink. however fear and dread are a quick sober for the intoxication that bliss often brings.

now i have sounded the alarm, and abandoned ship. no im not being a good captian and going down with it. and i dont care