broken record

so...school i in full swing, and i feel more productive then i have in a long time...at the same time, i dont feel alive.
i follow the sama monotonous pattern day in and day out, week after week. i don't have much to look forward to, and its depressing. i feel almost like a broken record, stuck in a groove on the vinyl, playing the same line over adn over and over.

i know it will get better. at least, im 99% sure. or maybe..67% i dont know. I feel almost like this is all a meaningless tedious step in the master product, like gridding a canvas or laying a foundation. I have to get through this to move on, but good night nurse it is sooooo boring.

at this point i feel fairly useless. I have my own schedule, and it often differs from my family, so i really dont get to see much of anyone. i went from a social butterfly, to a lone wolf who occassionally gets back with the pack.

and as much as i hate to admit it, i miss having a relationship in a way. i dont miss the particular person my last one was with, i dont miss the drama that normally goes with them, but i miss knowing someone so well, that they could complete your thought, that they would go out of their way to visit you, to make sure you were doing all right. to feel comforted merely by the fact that they were there.
At the same time the idea of commitment on such a level frightens me. i would have to let someone get to know me that well to know them on such a level. I would have to be willing to lower my walls and let someone inside. Im not ready for that step yet.
i dont want to be..i dont think. the thing about building walls, is you tend to get pretty lonely inside.

Im almost there.

Seven months ago tomorrow marks one of the most significant yet insignificant events
in my life. It was one of the most life altering things i have ever experienced.

February 21st 2010, i was attacked. I cant quite say exactly how it affected me, but after the fact i become a timid angry pleaser. i compromised alot of my views to hold on to those i loved, yet would not accept the love they offered. I lost my temper about tiny things, but would tolerate the most hurtful angry words imaginable. I was afraid.

I didnt understand that i needed help, that i needed to get it out of my system and to quit blaming myself for it. It wasnt until i looked in the mirror one day and realized what i had become that i consented to seeing a counselor.

I always used to think cuonselors were for the weak, for the ones who couldnt figure stuff out on their own, for the ones who were indecisive and mindless followers. I must say now that i was very wrong.

My parents told me a counselor would listen without judgement, and were completely confidential. Not only were they someone who hardly knew me that i could spill my guts too, they wouldnt share the story at all. I finally caved when i realized how angry and hurt i was, and how quickly i was spinning to my destrucution.

I remeber the moment i went in there well, i was given a packet of papers to sign and fill out. the first was to give a description of what i was in there fo, as well a checklist of potential symptoms, including depression, suicidal thoughts, aand anger..i ended up having to check every single box. When i finished filling out the paperwork i was nearly intears. i hadnt realized how badly i needed help nor how far i fallen from my original self

Shortly afterwards my counselor called me in and asked me to sit down. we went over my paperwork, and after a short discussion of potential options he asked, "so why are you in here?"

I blinked at him and thought for a minute..why was i in here? because my parents pushed so hard? because i wanted to restore myself? because i was tired of being who i was?
i looked at him and spoke softly, "I'm in here, to find me. no one can fix me but myself. its my choice and i want to get better."
He nodded and said "that's half the solution right there"

Today i can honestly say im almost completely back to normal. i still have some trust issues, but im happy, im not giving up my dreams and i sure aint following someone else to find love.

Boys are yucky

after my recent breakup i have made a vow to take my time before getting into another relationship. but for some reason, a girl who says no is irresistable. in the four weeks since i started school (almost three months since my breakup) i have had no less then five, yes five, guys tell me they liked me, and only two of them havent pressured me for a relationship. its not that i couldnt like these people, but im trying really hard to give myself time to heal and be myself.
being single allows you to be completely unrestrained from others, you can hang out with whoever, whenever without feeling guilty. ts not that im a man hater, or that i dont hope to be married one day, but i want to be able to recover lol.
i think i am inheriting aphirdiotes abilities or something

is ready to f&*%! it

wow..today really sucked. its really hard to stay focused on my goal, when i feel like the whole world is falling apart. i know its going to get worse before its gets better. im not saying my whole life sucks. but today was just BALONEY! AH
im done. im sooo reayd to just give up adn call its quits. but i know i really dont want to do that. i want to do well, i want to succeed i want to reach my dreams

so what next?

haha i feel like im a conqueror. but im still trying to figure out what i have conquered. i feel confident, alive, and ambitious. i can and will do all, where ever my dreams take me. Right now im thinking NY for awhile, being a professional caricaturist. or maybe go to italy, and get some inspiration from the masters XD. i can do anything i put my mind to, i know i can.

one of the hardest lessons i have learned is to believe in me, just because someone says that its hard to do something..doesnt make it impossible, in fact it makes it even better when you reach your goal at the end!
quit giving up on something you want because it looks out of reach, you will never know until you try.

Power to those of you who will never give up on your dreams, even more to those who reach them, and help others to reach theirs

sunshine and roses..

Simple Joys

Little things in life that make me smile.
a cold dr pepper
a smile from a friend
a compliment from a stranger
a well worded email or comment on my facebook
good grades
playing my favorite songs on my ipod
being able to dance around crazily
an i love you from my baby sister
watching it rain..

i think too often we take life for granted
not everyone gets the opportunities we get

i cannot say that i have never taken life for granted.but now i make an attempt to smile more, to enjoy little things now..cuz it wont be long before i cant enjoy them.
Live to its fullest. No im not saying go spend all your money on a new xbox and enjoy the matierial joys...
notice the little things, ever have something that just makes you smile, something little..like a fresh notebook? new socks/shoes? a sip of your favorite drink, a certain smell or friend?
i find a fresh sketchbook to be very reassuring, a finished sketch even more so.

enjoy the little things, before they pass you by.