Monday, September 20, 2010

Im almost there.

Seven months ago tomorrow marks one of the most significant yet insignificant events
in my life. It was one of the most life altering things i have ever experienced.

February 21st 2010, i was attacked. I cant quite say exactly how it affected me, but after the fact i become a timid angry pleaser. i compromised alot of my views to hold on to those i loved, yet would not accept the love they offered. I lost my temper about tiny things, but would tolerate the most hurtful angry words imaginable. I was afraid.

I didnt understand that i needed help, that i needed to get it out of my system and to quit blaming myself for it. It wasnt until i looked in the mirror one day and realized what i had become that i consented to seeing a counselor.

I always used to think cuonselors were for the weak, for the ones who couldnt figure stuff out on their own, for the ones who were indecisive and mindless followers. I must say now that i was very wrong.

My parents told me a counselor would listen without judgement, and were completely confidential. Not only were they someone who hardly knew me that i could spill my guts too, they wouldnt share the story at all. I finally caved when i realized how angry and hurt i was, and how quickly i was spinning to my destrucution.

I remeber the moment i went in there well, i was given a packet of papers to sign and fill out. the first was to give a description of what i was in there fo, as well a checklist of potential symptoms, including depression, suicidal thoughts, aand anger..i ended up having to check every single box. When i finished filling out the paperwork i was nearly intears. i hadnt realized how badly i needed help nor how far i fallen from my original self

Shortly afterwards my counselor called me in and asked me to sit down. we went over my paperwork, and after a short discussion of potential options he asked, "so why are you in here?"

I blinked at him and thought for a minute..why was i in here? because my parents pushed so hard? because i wanted to restore myself? because i was tired of being who i was?
i looked at him and spoke softly, "I'm in here, to find me. no one can fix me but myself. its my choice and i want to get better."
He nodded and said "that's half the solution right there"

Today i can honestly say im almost completely back to normal. i still have some trust issues, but im happy, im not giving up my dreams and i sure aint following someone else to find love.

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