Seven months ago tomorrow marks one of the most significant yet insignificant events
in my life. It was one of the most life altering things i have ever experienced.
February 21st 2010, i was attacked. I cant quite say exactly how it affected me, but after the fact i become a timid angry pleaser. i compromised alot of my views to hold on to those i loved, yet would not accept the love they offered. I lost my temper about tiny things, but would tolerate the most hurtful angry words imaginable. I was afraid.
I didnt understand that i needed help, that i needed to get it out of my system and to quit blaming myself for it. It wasnt until i looked in the mirror one day and realized what i had become that i consented to seeing a counselor.
I always used to think cuonselors were for the weak, for the ones who couldnt figure stuff out on their own, for the ones who were indecisive and mindless followers. I must say now that i was very wrong.
My parents told me a counselor would listen without judgement, and were completely confidential. Not only were they someone who hardly knew me that i could spill my guts too, they wouldnt share the story at all. I finally caved when i realized how angry and hurt i was, and how quickly i was spinning to my destrucution.
I remeber the moment i went in there well, i was given a packet of papers to sign and fill out. the first was to give a description of what i was in there fo, as well a checklist of potential symptoms, including depression, suicidal thoughts, aand anger..i ended up having to check every single box. When i finished filling out the paperwork i was nearly intears. i hadnt realized how badly i needed help nor how far i fallen from my original self
Shortly afterwards my counselor called me in and asked me to sit down. we went over my paperwork, and after a short discussion of potential options he asked, "so why are you in here?"
I blinked at him and thought for a minute..why was i in here? because my parents pushed so hard? because i wanted to restore myself? because i was tired of being who i was?
i looked at him and spoke softly, "I'm in here, to find me. no one can fix me but myself. its my choice and i want to get better."
He nodded and said "that's half the solution right there"
Today i can honestly say im almost completely back to normal. i still have some trust issues, but im happy, im not giving up my dreams and i sure aint following someone else to find love.