Friday, October 15, 2010

Who is it for?

Eleanor rigby
picks up the rice
at a church
where a wedding has been
its in a dream

waits at the window
wearing a face
that she keeps ina jar
by the door
who is it for?

all the lonely people
where do they all come from
all the lonely people
where do they all belong

today i was listening to one of my favorite songs of all time, Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles. This last week and a half have been quite cruel, and i have been trying to put on a face to make it seem like it wasn't that bad. I didn't want people to worry, it could always be worse...but every time i said that it did get worse.

i didn't realize how bad it was. A couple of friends noticed i wasn't doing so well, even before i told them about it. but even with the support of my friends, i still feel utterly abandoned, so very alone. i feel isolated.
i guess i finally understand what that song means.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

im gonna miss you grandpa.

ok...this has been an interesting week. but nothing i havent seen before, that is until now. This last tuesday my great grandpa passed away. Honestly i always considered him more of a grandfather, because i never knew the grandfather on my dad's side. This hurts more then i anticipated, i didn't get to see him very often. But when i think about him, i can't help but smile.

he was so cool, even when i was little, i remember sitting on his lap and him stroking my hair, even when mom was mad at me, saying i inherited his stubborn streak. i remember him and my dad looking alot alike. i remember getting checks from him evey christmas. and, more recently, talking to him seriously about my plans for my future.

One thing that really brings the tears to my eyes is something he said a couple years ago. He told me never to settle, that he could see i would go really far in life, if i didnt let it bog me down. I almost cried then. He told me i turned into a beautiful young woman, and reminded me of distant memories of christmases past. i remeber hugging him, and praying i would get to see him again.

Im going to miss him so much. He was such a lively man, even in his later years. He had a great sense of humor, and though i didnt get to talk much with him, always knew what to say to make me smile.

I think my favorite memory of my grandfather is when i was probably about...six? we were having christmas at his house, and i was throwing a tantrum. My mother had gotten after me for something, and i was upset. He took me on his lap, and tucked my unruly mane behind my ear, looked me in the eye and said, "you deserved it" i cant help but laugh thinking back. but i remeber the twinkle in his eyes, the way he rubbed my back even though i was in trouble.

i just wish i had been able to see more of him, to get to know him better. I'm so angry with the world right now. it seems everything i care about is being pulled away, just as i get to my feet.

If you can hear me, I love you sorry i cant say it to you in person

Saturday, October 9, 2010

LGBT awareness

today i decided to support a cause, wearing a purple shirt oct 20th in memory of six homosexual boys who committed suicide due to the overwhelming harassment they received based on their homosexuality.

No i am not personally homosexual, nor do i personally think its right. But if i condemn these people based on their personal choice, i am forcing them just as the bullies do. I believe we should hate the sin, not the sinner. I may not agree with their choice, but i don't hate these people for that choice.

bullying in of itself is wrong. It's a form of intimidation and force, and harassment. it doesn't matter who it involves, bullying is wrong, period the end

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Because im a little lonely

lately i have felt a little out of synch
not quite in tune or out
with other people

maybe it's just me, but i feel almost as though people are avoiding me
or maybe it my apprehension with everything that has happened this week

Monday, October 4, 2010

What is a heart?

What is a hearT?
is it the passion you feel deep inside as you pursue the career of your dreams?
is it courage that rises up when you need it most?
is it that warm fuzzy feeling when you are around your significant other?
is it that falling feeling, when everything begins to fall apart?

A heart is what seperates us as human beings. And a more proper definition, is a soul. all animals have hearts, and some animals seem to have souls. Our emotions, our free will, and our reactions to others decisions all reflect what happens to our souls.

But with this gift we have, this amazing rarity, comes great cost.
because we have emtions, and can make decisions based on those emotions, we can cause and recieve great pain. Think about it, how did you feel when your best friend didnt come through when you needed it most? or were you the friend that didnt come through? Both thoughts arouse painful and unpeasant sensations, but you feel them in your heart.

But, we also experience much more happiness. An animal is programmed to sleep, eat, and survive. they dont understand the joys of a well made choice, or the pay off of long term dedication. Nor can they make a choice based on the pay off they can recieve in the end. If its unpleasant, an animal will nto suffer through it.

As humans, we can experience joy, and pride
happiness, love, and yes, pain

Think of a time when you were so happy you could burst, a time when you were literally jumping for joy.
now imagine that you have no feelings, your mission in life is to eat
to sleep
to reproduce
to survive
your whole being is wired around that mentality. compared to what we have as humans, that life seems very bleak. i would rather be able to feel pain, then to have no feelings at all.

How relevant is religion?

In today's society, we often find ourselves asking what we believe, what denomination, and what church. As a christian, i find myself questioing the validity of such questions.
Religion, to me, is almost just another way to segregate ourselves even more. I have seen couples ready to marry until one found that the other was of a certain denomination, then they called four years of a relationship off.
Why? Catholic, Protestant, LDS, Non-denominational, Baptist, Assembly of God whatever.

We all believe in the same God, why do we inflict these boundaries on ourselves? Granted i understand that these are based on differetn interpretations on what God expects from us, but there are so many little things i dont understand. And maybe that's my fault, maybe if i studied these denominations more in depth, i could understand the nuancies that make each right or wrong.

But why hate each other for it? why discriminate and disassociate ourselves from those based purely on their denomination? even if you believe what they belieive is wrong, you are not showing Godly kindness by telling a person their beliefes are completely wrong and thats why you cant associate with them.

I guess what im trying to say is that we shouldnt try to seperate ourselves any further. Let us love on another, as God loves us.