i dont even know how to describe what im feeling, fear? intimidation? a loss of control...i have lost so much the past year...i am not giving up anymore. which is why i made the choice i made. sometimes, its better to let something die and sink..then to climb aboard and try to salvage what little is left.
I like to think of lost causes like the titanic...you can get on the lifeboat, stay put, or listen to the music play as you go down. The latter two are not appealing to me. i am still young, i still have a lot of life left to live. but..at the same time i dont want the boat to sink. i wish i was super man, and could lift it from the water. but......you cant save everything and living in regrets only brings on depression and guilt. both of which have shown evidence of causing health problems.
i put too much into this specific cause. for too long. instead of evacuating the ship, i was mopping a broken deck adn trying to pretend everything was all right even though i was scared to death. i ignored the alarms for so long..that i couldnt hear them anymore...until the iceberg scraped against my ship...past the point of salvation..it was time to abandon ship.
its not my first sinker...and i should have had the sensors on at full capacity and been watching for potential ice bergs...but i was ignorant, belieiving it could never sink. however fear and dread are a quick sober for the intoxication that bliss often brings.
now i have sounded the alarm, and abandoned ship. no im not being a good captian and going down with it. and i dont care