Friday, November 27, 2009

The Chaos that is my Home

thanksgiving is a time when all of us should count our blessings and be thankful we have what we do. And i am. In our household i find that the people who live here bring me comfort and joy....most of the time. I consider myself to be a very stoing person. I can bottle almost anything you throw at me with out a hint of emotion. BUt when someone who you have tried to love dearly, tried to help, tried to love and care about, tried to be a sister to, tells you that they never want you to come back, it hurts. I am still astounded at my reaction to this remark. You can tell me to my face that i am the ugliest most selfish person that you have never known, an di can shoulder it. but for some reason this biting response tore into my heart.

I dont know if i can love her anymore. I cant love someone who doesnt love me, or care for me, or even herself. I want with all my might to be close to her, but every time i try to, every time i try to help her, she pushes me away and blames me for the lack of effort in our relationship. I have idolized my sister for most of my life, it wasnt until just recently that i realized i should not idolize her. She would only hold me back if i modeled myself against her. I loved her dearly.

Now though. its different. After she looked me in the eye and said to my face that i should not come back for christmas, something died. a shred of hoep i guess. that maybe someday should would get over whatever was holding her back from getting close to me, and we could be sisters like we used to be. Friendly, open, close, with no resentment.

I wish i could feel the saem way about her as i did before, and maybe this is just anger and disappointment getting to me. i hope thats all it is. because i want to love my sister. but right now i cant stand her

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