Saturday, May 29, 2010

What do you do?

what do you do when you feel like the world has given up on you? When you feel abandoned and condemned, when you have no where left to turn to. What are you supposed to do when you are so angry at where you are at sometimes..but right now thats where you need to be? When taking care of yourself means sucking it up and being strong? When someone you love very much tells you things you know can be true sometimes..but you really dont want to hear them? The worst part is when this same person tells you something you know isnt true...and says it is.. when someone can look you in the eye and tell you that you are a certain way.
What do you do?

I dont know what to do. i don't like what i have been feeling. i hate looking in the mirror and hating the person i see, i hate hearing about how i have turned into this emotional mess, and how im not handling things correctly or doing things right. Im not perfect, im not trying to say i do everything right the first time..but i dont think its a reason to be embarrassed in front of others and kicked around when your still trying to get up off the floor. I know i have changed. i hate the person i have become as much as they do. but what am i supposed to do? really?

i write stuff all the time in an attempt to vent my feelings and works occasionally. but when you have to fight yourself everyday to get out of bed and live another day..maybe you need to be kicked around a little bit. Maybe when you lose the desire to exist on most days other people can see it...they can look right through the sheild you put up. Maybe thats why things are the way they are.

Me refusing these feelings and pretending they dont exist isnt good for me either. i dont want to be depressed...but when a longing for nonexistance is stronger then most other feelings almost everyday...thats not healthy. I have a wonderful life at home. i just dont appreciate it half the time. I have a wonderful boyfriend whom i love dearly and he loves me. I have an amazing God who was willing to send his son to die for me...why am i being so selfish and illtempered when i have it so good. why do i still feel like im spiraling downward and its not worth fighting anymore.

i understand as humans that its normal to be selfish once in a while. BUt feeling the way i do when i have the life i do is just wrong. Im blessed beyond compare and i still wish i wasnt here. I wish i could just run away from it all, from the hurt, from the embarrassment, from the fear and anxiety. I know im doing least i think i am. but im not seeing it. so what do i do? Its been a long time since everything just seemed to fall apart, and now things are starting to put themselves back together..but why do i still feel so lost? Why do i still feel like im doing something wrong...when i am doing everything in my power to make it right again?

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