Wednesday, February 17, 2010

As the scissors close

When you make a mistake that has the potential to destroy everything you have worked for and care about, its an eye opening experience. almost like a near death one. Except these have the potential to hurt you more, cuz they tend to be your own stupid fault. Because of this mistake i made recently i decided to reevaluate my opinion of myself. in this sense i can find my faults and learn how to compensate for them in the future, which would all ow me to be a better person.

so far i have not really liked what i have seen. im nomt a good person most of the time. but its all part of finding yourself and who you are.

i can be very selfish adn vain. i love attention, and i am a compulsive liar. i love to flirt and i love to get reactions out of people. i can be quite stubborn and impatient, and i have major commitment issues. Yet i can be a very jealous girlfriend. I envy alot of what i cant have, and dont appreciate what i do have. alot of the things i have pushed for in klife i pushed for merely because i knew i would get something out of it. i can also be very very veyr lazy

Seeing things like this is a sobering experience. Humans are not pretty creatures, we are ugly sinful things that lust and envy. i dont like what im seeing, but seeing it allows me to embrace who i am and become a better person because of it. How shallow would i be if i told i did not have pride and faults?

I am sad that it took a mistake this bad to make me realize how much i needed to wake up and change. i didnt use to be like least i dont think i have. but when you wake up to find yourself at rock bottom, you need to find a way back up.

My prayers are frequent and fervent. most of them for strength to be humble enough to apologize to those i hurt and for forgiveness i dont deserve. i was raised in a decent household and there is no excuse for the way i have become besides the result of my own choices.

another thing i have been pondering is change. i have been wanting to cut my hair, change the way i look for awhile. if i am already changing the way i want to act i should change my outer appearance too. so i can get a real fresh start.
So either tomorrow or the day, as my hair hits the floor of the barber shop, i shed off all my old mistkes and begin my journey to rebuilding my relationships with my loved ones, with God, and with myself.

now everytime i look in the mirror, i will remind myself that i can be a better person and i am not limited to my old habits. i am strong enough to break them and rise above them.

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