It may seem stupid....

it's been nearly a year since i was attacked...and it's hard for me sometimes to fully realize that it has been only a year. I feel so ancient looking back, realizing how much i have changed in the last couple years. I don;t know if all the changes are good, but i know not all of them are bad....

I have some people to thank for this though. there were alot of times when i was ready to give up and end it all, I didn't see a point to existing when i felt like unrecyclable trash. But a handful of people have helped me immensely....Several friends always happened to text me right when i needed to hear a word of encouragement, or just something to distract me. Crystal, Gisel, i have you to thank for this, i wish we could see each other more, i do feel like you two are my sisters. I miss you so much everyday, you two are always in my thoughts.

Some people were considerate of my issues, and helped me through flashbacks and nightmares, they didn't force me out of my comfort zone, even when i know it was hard to understand. There are too many to name individually, but it's good to know that i am respected. Even when my problems don;t make sense

Two very special people have held my hand through it all, and even dragged me to get help when i was too far gone. Mom, Dad, this is for you. You two drove six hours out of your way to spend one night to tell me you would love me, no matter what i did or who i was going to be. That meant the world to me, it still does. I appreciate that you don;t force hugs on me, or tell me i am stupid when i have nightmares or irrational fears. I appreciate the support i have at home, that i know many more people deserve more then me. You have taken me to doctors, therapists, stayed up with me to talk about nothing important, listened as i cried for things that happened in the past. I only wish yyou could see how much you guys have become a lifeline. With your support, I am getting better and i know i can stand on my own now. I know i don;t always show my appreciation in the best way, i know i can be difficult and you guys get pretty sick of me sometimes. But i am glad you didn;t give up on me, when i had given up on myself.

this last year has been hard for me, but the last few months have been great, I am definitely getting back up on my feet. I just keep reminding myself that instead of asking, "why me?" i remember that if it had not been me, it could have been someone else, and that i would not be who i am today if it had not happened. I love who i am, even with my flaws and my faults. That's more then i was able to do even in high school. I have self respect, and a new found understanding of myself.

There is one more person i want to add to this list, someone who may have been recently added as of last summer, but still has had a wonderful influence on my life. Bill, thank you for respecting my boundaries, and for not giving up on me when i was afraid to let you see my faults and my past. Thank you for being there when i would wake up in the middle of the night crying and just needed someone to talk to, and for reminding me everyday that i am beautiful and that i mean the world to you. :)

Without these people, i would not be where i am today, To be blunt, i probably would not even be here today. Because of these people i sought treatment and care. I pressed charges and recieved closure, because of these people i didn't give up on myself.

Wow, thanks for that giant hole in my heart

Disappointed, but Motivated at the same time

Ugh....stupid math class. Due to circumstances that don't agree, i am now borderline failing my classs. I have not been allowed to makeup work, and have been told that i must ace the next two quizzes to pass. So i start studying my butt off. Only one problem, i'm going to miss one of these two quizzes for the road trip to get ready for my sister's wedding. And he has already said i can't make it up. So i'm stuck. I don't know what to do, but i don't want to give up. The idea of an incomplete has come aroud, but idk if i am eligible, i can't drop the course, it will put me under hours, and if i am missing a quiz, i'm doomed to fail. What to do?

I probably wouldn't be in this situation if i had gotten work back sooner and had nkown i wasn't doing my work correctly. The class functions as almost a "teach yourself" class, so i thought i understood the matierial, and didn't know that i was doing badly until about last week. I'm really kicking myself for not doing something about this sooner, but i chose not to make waves, which is going to suck now to reap the consequences. I refuse to be beaten, i'm going to resolve this, or die trying

Who is it for?

Eleanor rigby
picks up the rice
at a church
where a wedding has been
its in a dream

waits at the window
wearing a face
that she keeps ina jar
by the door
who is it for?

all the lonely people
where do they all come from
all the lonely people
where do they all belong


today i was listening to one of my favorite songs of all time, Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles. This last week and a half have been quite cruel, and i have been trying to put on a face to make it seem like it wasn't that bad. I didn't want people to worry, it could always be worse...but every time i said that it did get worse.

i didn't realize how bad it was. A couple of friends noticed i wasn't doing so well, even before i told them about it. but even with the support of my friends, i still feel utterly abandoned, so very alone. i feel isolated.
i guess i finally understand what that song means.

im gonna miss you grandpa.

ok...this has been an interesting week. but nothing i havent seen before, that is until now. This last tuesday my great grandpa passed away. Honestly i always considered him more of a grandfather, because i never knew the grandfather on my dad's side. This hurts more then i anticipated, i didn't get to see him very often. But when i think about him, i can't help but smile.

he was so cool, even when i was little, i remember sitting on his lap and him stroking my hair, even when mom was mad at me, saying i inherited his stubborn streak. i remember him and my dad looking alot alike. i remember getting checks from him evey christmas. and, more recently, talking to him seriously about my plans for my future.

One thing that really brings the tears to my eyes is something he said a couple years ago. He told me never to settle, that he could see i would go really far in life, if i didnt let it bog me down. I almost cried then. He told me i turned into a beautiful young woman, and reminded me of distant memories of christmases past. i remeber hugging him, and praying i would get to see him again.

Im going to miss him so much. He was such a lively man, even in his later years. He had a great sense of humor, and though i didnt get to talk much with him, always knew what to say to make me smile.

I think my favorite memory of my grandfather is when i was probably about...six? we were having christmas at his house, and i was throwing a tantrum. My mother had gotten after me for something, and i was upset. He took me on his lap, and tucked my unruly mane behind my ear, looked me in the eye and said, "you deserved it" i cant help but laugh thinking back. but i remeber the twinkle in his eyes, the way he rubbed my back even though i was in trouble.

i just wish i had been able to see more of him, to get to know him better. I'm so angry with the world right now. it seems everything i care about is being pulled away, just as i get to my feet.

If you can hear me, I love you Grandpa....im sorry i cant say it to you in person

LGBT awareness

today i decided to support a cause, wearing a purple shirt oct 20th in memory of six homosexual boys who committed suicide due to the overwhelming harassment they received based on their homosexuality.

No i am not personally homosexual, nor do i personally think its right. But if i condemn these people based on their personal choice, i am forcing them just as the bullies do. I believe we should hate the sin, not the sinner. I may not agree with their choice, but i don't hate these people for that choice.

bullying in of itself is wrong. It's a form of intimidation and force, and harassment. it doesn't matter who it involves, bullying is wrong, period the end

Because im a little lonely

lately i have felt a little out of synch
not quite in tune or out
with other people

maybe it's just me, but i feel almost as though people are avoiding me
or maybe it my apprehension with everything that has happened this week