Thursday, January 27, 2011

It may seem stupid....

it's been nearly a year since i was attacked...and it's hard for me sometimes to fully realize that it has been only a year. I feel so ancient looking back, realizing how much i have changed in the last couple years. I don;t know if all the changes are good, but i know not all of them are bad....

I have some people to thank for this though. there were alot of times when i was ready to give up and end it all, I didn't see a point to existing when i felt like unrecyclable trash. But a handful of people have helped me immensely....Several friends always happened to text me right when i needed to hear a word of encouragement, or just something to distract me. Crystal, Gisel, i have you to thank for this, i wish we could see each other more, i do feel like you two are my sisters. I miss you so much everyday, you two are always in my thoughts.

Some people were considerate of my issues, and helped me through flashbacks and nightmares, they didn't force me out of my comfort zone, even when i know it was hard to understand. There are too many to name individually, but it's good to know that i am respected. Even when my problems don;t make sense

Two very special people have held my hand through it all, and even dragged me to get help when i was too far gone. Mom, Dad, this is for you. You two drove six hours out of your way to spend one night to tell me you would love me, no matter what i did or who i was going to be. That meant the world to me, it still does. I appreciate that you don;t force hugs on me, or tell me i am stupid when i have nightmares or irrational fears. I appreciate the support i have at home, that i know many more people deserve more then me. You have taken me to doctors, therapists, stayed up with me to talk about nothing important, listened as i cried for things that happened in the past. I only wish yyou could see how much you guys have become a lifeline. With your support, I am getting better and i know i can stand on my own now. I know i don;t always show my appreciation in the best way, i know i can be difficult and you guys get pretty sick of me sometimes. But i am glad you didn;t give up on me, when i had given up on myself.

this last year has been hard for me, but the last few months have been great, I am definitely getting back up on my feet. I just keep reminding myself that instead of asking, "why me?" i remember that if it had not been me, it could have been someone else, and that i would not be who i am today if it had not happened. I love who i am, even with my flaws and my faults. That's more then i was able to do even in high school. I have self respect, and a new found understanding of myself.

There is one more person i want to add to this list, someone who may have been recently added as of last summer, but still has had a wonderful influence on my life. Bill, thank you for respecting my boundaries, and for not giving up on me when i was afraid to let you see my faults and my past. Thank you for being there when i would wake up in the middle of the night crying and just needed someone to talk to, and for reminding me everyday that i am beautiful and that i mean the world to you. :)

Without these people, i would not be where i am today, To be blunt, i probably would not even be here today. Because of these people i sought treatment and care. I pressed charges and recieved closure, because of these people i didn't give up on myself.

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