PArt of life is making mistakes and learning to live with the consequences. Unfortunately no one ever tells you exactly how much it will hurt when you hurt someone you care about. Someone who was always there for you, someone you took for granted. And sadly the worst part is when they are finally fed up with you and just pull themselves out of your life, leaving a big gaping hole that leaves you feeling like the world's biggest jerk and loser.
If i could do it over, i would have been completely and totally honest. For some reason i decided to lie about something stupid, and it did more damage then telling the truth would have. Now i get to pick up the few pieces i have left of one of my best friendships and cry over my loss. I can't fix it, cuz i was the one who made the intial mistake. No matter how much i apologize she just doesnt want me in her life anymore. Maybe its better this way. maybe now she can get on with her life with out me there to continually complicate it and make her look like a fool.
But i still hurt. The pain is still frsh, and tinged with the terrible ache of regret. This is one mistake i wish i didnt have the opportunity to learn from. I close my eyes and try to distract myself from my thoughts on the matter, but it doesnt work. I cry every night at this loss, realizing now too late what i was risking.
Bitterness from her cuts more than i ever thought it could. I was a terrible friend. I cant fix it...i cant make it better, i cant even apologize because her eyes glaze over when she "sees" me. I didnt think it could hurt this much....but at the same time i deserve it. i was horrible to her, if i had been even a fourth of the friend to her as she was to me.....maybe i would sstill be able to call her my friend.
You only get one chance at life, and i have made my share of mistakes, some worse than others.....some completely changed the course of my life....others hurt enough to make me want to fall asleep and never wake up....i dont know what to do....i am sinking back in this hole i barely got out of. I can feel her pain....and knowing i was the cause of it makes it worse.