Monday, December 13, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Disappointed, but Motivated at the same time
Ugh....stupid math class. Due to circumstances that don't agree, i am now borderline failing my classs. I have not been allowed to makeup work, and have been told that i must ace the next two quizzes to pass. So i start studying my butt off. Only one problem, i'm going to miss one of these two quizzes for the road trip to get ready for my sister's wedding. And he has already said i can't make it up. So i'm stuck. I don't know what to do, but i don't want to give up. The idea of an incomplete has come aroud, but idk if i am eligible, i can't drop the course, it will put me under hours, and if i am missing a quiz, i'm doomed to fail. What to do?
I probably wouldn't be in this situation if i had gotten work back sooner and had nkown i wasn't doing my work correctly. The class functions as almost a "teach yourself" class, so i thought i understood the matierial, and didn't know that i was doing badly until about last week. I'm really kicking myself for not doing something about this sooner, but i chose not to make waves, which is going to suck now to reap the consequences. I refuse to be beaten, i'm going to resolve this, or die trying
I probably wouldn't be in this situation if i had gotten work back sooner and had nkown i wasn't doing my work correctly. The class functions as almost a "teach yourself" class, so i thought i understood the matierial, and didn't know that i was doing badly until about last week. I'm really kicking myself for not doing something about this sooner, but i chose not to make waves, which is going to suck now to reap the consequences. I refuse to be beaten, i'm going to resolve this, or die trying
Friday, October 15, 2010
Who is it for?
Eleanor rigby
picks up the rice
at a church
where a wedding has been
its in a dream
waits at the window
wearing a face
that she keeps ina jar
by the door
who is it for?
all the lonely people
where do they all come from
all the lonely people
where do they all belong
today i was listening to one of my favorite songs of all time, Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles. This last week and a half have been quite cruel, and i have been trying to put on a face to make it seem like it wasn't that bad. I didn't want people to worry, it could always be worse...but every time i said that it did get worse.
i didn't realize how bad it was. A couple of friends noticed i wasn't doing so well, even before i told them about it. but even with the support of my friends, i still feel utterly abandoned, so very alone. i feel isolated.
i guess i finally understand what that song means.
picks up the rice
at a church
where a wedding has been
its in a dream
waits at the window
wearing a face
that she keeps ina jar
by the door
who is it for?
all the lonely people
where do they all come from
all the lonely people
where do they all belong
today i was listening to one of my favorite songs of all time, Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles. This last week and a half have been quite cruel, and i have been trying to put on a face to make it seem like it wasn't that bad. I didn't want people to worry, it could always be worse...but every time i said that it did get worse.
i didn't realize how bad it was. A couple of friends noticed i wasn't doing so well, even before i told them about it. but even with the support of my friends, i still feel utterly abandoned, so very alone. i feel isolated.
i guess i finally understand what that song means.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
im gonna miss you grandpa.
ok...this has been an interesting week. but nothing i havent seen before, that is until now. This last tuesday my great grandpa passed away. Honestly i always considered him more of a grandfather, because i never knew the grandfather on my dad's side. This hurts more then i anticipated, i didn't get to see him very often. But when i think about him, i can't help but smile.
he was so cool, even when i was little, i remember sitting on his lap and him stroking my hair, even when mom was mad at me, saying i inherited his stubborn streak. i remember him and my dad looking alot alike. i remember getting checks from him evey christmas. and, more recently, talking to him seriously about my plans for my future.
One thing that really brings the tears to my eyes is something he said a couple years ago. He told me never to settle, that he could see i would go really far in life, if i didnt let it bog me down. I almost cried then. He told me i turned into a beautiful young woman, and reminded me of distant memories of christmases past. i remeber hugging him, and praying i would get to see him again.
Im going to miss him so much. He was such a lively man, even in his later years. He had a great sense of humor, and though i didnt get to talk much with him, always knew what to say to make me smile.
I think my favorite memory of my grandfather is when i was probably about...six? we were having christmas at his house, and i was throwing a tantrum. My mother had gotten after me for something, and i was upset. He took me on his lap, and tucked my unruly mane behind my ear, looked me in the eye and said, "you deserved it" i cant help but laugh thinking back. but i remeber the twinkle in his eyes, the way he rubbed my back even though i was in trouble.
i just wish i had been able to see more of him, to get to know him better. I'm so angry with the world right now. it seems everything i care about is being pulled away, just as i get to my feet.
If you can hear me, I love you Grandpa....im sorry i cant say it to you in person
he was so cool, even when i was little, i remember sitting on his lap and him stroking my hair, even when mom was mad at me, saying i inherited his stubborn streak. i remember him and my dad looking alot alike. i remember getting checks from him evey christmas. and, more recently, talking to him seriously about my plans for my future.
One thing that really brings the tears to my eyes is something he said a couple years ago. He told me never to settle, that he could see i would go really far in life, if i didnt let it bog me down. I almost cried then. He told me i turned into a beautiful young woman, and reminded me of distant memories of christmases past. i remeber hugging him, and praying i would get to see him again.
Im going to miss him so much. He was such a lively man, even in his later years. He had a great sense of humor, and though i didnt get to talk much with him, always knew what to say to make me smile.
I think my favorite memory of my grandfather is when i was probably about...six? we were having christmas at his house, and i was throwing a tantrum. My mother had gotten after me for something, and i was upset. He took me on his lap, and tucked my unruly mane behind my ear, looked me in the eye and said, "you deserved it" i cant help but laugh thinking back. but i remeber the twinkle in his eyes, the way he rubbed my back even though i was in trouble.
i just wish i had been able to see more of him, to get to know him better. I'm so angry with the world right now. it seems everything i care about is being pulled away, just as i get to my feet.
If you can hear me, I love you Grandpa....im sorry i cant say it to you in person
Saturday, October 9, 2010
LGBT awareness
today i decided to support a cause, wearing a purple shirt oct 20th in memory of six homosexual boys who committed suicide due to the overwhelming harassment they received based on their homosexuality.
No i am not personally homosexual, nor do i personally think its right. But if i condemn these people based on their personal choice, i am forcing them just as the bullies do. I believe we should hate the sin, not the sinner. I may not agree with their choice, but i don't hate these people for that choice.
bullying in of itself is wrong. It's a form of intimidation and force, and harassment. it doesn't matter who it involves, bullying is wrong, period the end
No i am not personally homosexual, nor do i personally think its right. But if i condemn these people based on their personal choice, i am forcing them just as the bullies do. I believe we should hate the sin, not the sinner. I may not agree with their choice, but i don't hate these people for that choice.
bullying in of itself is wrong. It's a form of intimidation and force, and harassment. it doesn't matter who it involves, bullying is wrong, period the end
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Because im a little lonely
lately i have felt a little out of synch
not quite in tune or out
with other people
maybe it's just me, but i feel almost as though people are avoiding me
or maybe it my apprehension with everything that has happened this week
not quite in tune or out
with other people
maybe it's just me, but i feel almost as though people are avoiding me
or maybe it my apprehension with everything that has happened this week
Monday, October 4, 2010
What is a heart?
What is a hearT?
is it the passion you feel deep inside as you pursue the career of your dreams?
is it courage that rises up when you need it most?
is it that warm fuzzy feeling when you are around your significant other?
is it that falling feeling, when everything begins to fall apart?
A heart is what seperates us as human beings. And a more proper definition, is a soul. all animals have hearts, and some animals seem to have souls. Our emotions, our free will, and our reactions to others decisions all reflect what happens to our souls.
But with this gift we have, this amazing rarity, comes great cost.
because we have emtions, and can make decisions based on those emotions, we can cause and recieve great pain. Think about it, how did you feel when your best friend didnt come through when you needed it most? or were you the friend that didnt come through? Both thoughts arouse painful and unpeasant sensations, but you feel them in your heart.
But, we also experience much more happiness. An animal is programmed to sleep, eat, and survive. they dont understand the joys of a well made choice, or the pay off of long term dedication. Nor can they make a choice based on the pay off they can recieve in the end. If its unpleasant, an animal will nto suffer through it.
As humans, we can experience joy, and pride
happiness, love, and yes, pain
Think of a time when you were so happy you could burst, a time when you were literally jumping for joy.
now imagine that you have no feelings, your mission in life is to eat
to sleep
to reproduce
to survive
your whole being is wired around that mentality. compared to what we have as humans, that life seems very bleak. i would rather be able to feel pain, then to have no feelings at all.
is it the passion you feel deep inside as you pursue the career of your dreams?
is it courage that rises up when you need it most?
is it that warm fuzzy feeling when you are around your significant other?
is it that falling feeling, when everything begins to fall apart?
A heart is what seperates us as human beings. And a more proper definition, is a soul. all animals have hearts, and some animals seem to have souls. Our emotions, our free will, and our reactions to others decisions all reflect what happens to our souls.
But with this gift we have, this amazing rarity, comes great cost.
because we have emtions, and can make decisions based on those emotions, we can cause and recieve great pain. Think about it, how did you feel when your best friend didnt come through when you needed it most? or were you the friend that didnt come through? Both thoughts arouse painful and unpeasant sensations, but you feel them in your heart.
But, we also experience much more happiness. An animal is programmed to sleep, eat, and survive. they dont understand the joys of a well made choice, or the pay off of long term dedication. Nor can they make a choice based on the pay off they can recieve in the end. If its unpleasant, an animal will nto suffer through it.
As humans, we can experience joy, and pride
happiness, love, and yes, pain
Think of a time when you were so happy you could burst, a time when you were literally jumping for joy.
now imagine that you have no feelings, your mission in life is to eat
to sleep
to reproduce
to survive
your whole being is wired around that mentality. compared to what we have as humans, that life seems very bleak. i would rather be able to feel pain, then to have no feelings at all.
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