Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Conflicts of the heart

Difficulties in long distance relationships are often made to be exponentially worse. This kind of relationship is based on trust from both parties, if either or both party is having issues, then things can fall apart quickly i have noticed. I'm not sure how to react to this change, or really what to do. At the moment i am waiting it out. Maybe things will get better. If not, its been decided mutually to just let it go. Both decisions hurt. I don't trust him as much as i would like to, despite how much he has tried to prove it to me. In my attempt to keep him close, we both pushed off of each other in opposite directions.

Someone told me I am infamous of the mushy-gushy love feeling. They believed thats what i sought after in a relationship, but to be honest, i have never really felt it here. Very rarely did i get the feelings that are reminiscent of the old high school crushes when one first discovers the opposite sex. With long distance, i don't feel it is possible. I feel like I'm slowly withering away with the remains of what was there. No matter how much we talk and work things out, we still don't have the easy going conversations we had before. granted its only been a few days since our fight, but we resolved the matter and agreed with no hard feelings. Why don't i feel closure?

I know part of this is caused by my severe trust issues, provoked by my ptsd. I also know that i am not as comfortable with the idea of moving in with him as i originally thought. I would love to move on from my anxieties, but failure to acknowledge them causes things to blow up later. I feel horrible, because both he and i believed that i was more stable, more trusting, then how much worse we both found out i was. But at the same time, why can;t i get over this one fight? i still keep playing it in my head, i have nightmares about it, i still get angry thinking about the exchanges we made to each other. I don't get it. I'm sick of being mad, but when i try to let it go, he says something else.

As devastated as i would be if we broke up, i wonder if we would do better apart...

1 comment:

  1. life goes on but it's better to stay possitive while in an ldr.well i started out with one, and i'm proud to say that i am very happily married.
    to add to this great blog. depending on how much you share you love with your partner, a marriage shouldn't ever be entered into immediately, and in ldr's the time you have waiting for each other make you know your partner even better, a marriage after that is like a scientist finally solving the a decade long problem. i must admit though, that it would have been so good for me if not for cheap international calls from mobile to mobile as i had financial problems for a significant period in my relationship.