The truth hurts, but a lie can hurt more.

PArt of life is making mistakes and learning to live with the consequences. Unfortunately no one ever tells you exactly how much it will hurt when you hurt someone you care about. Someone who was always there for you, someone you took for granted. And sadly the worst part is when they are finally fed up with you and just pull themselves out of your life, leaving a big gaping hole that leaves you feeling like the world's biggest jerk and loser.

If i could do it over, i would have been completely and totally honest. For some reason i decided to lie about something stupid, and it did more damage then telling the truth would have. Now i get to pick up the few pieces i have left of one of my best friendships and cry over my loss. I can't fix it, cuz i was the one who made the intial mistake. No matter how much i apologize she just doesnt want me in her life anymore. Maybe its better this way. maybe now she can get on with her life with out me there to continually complicate it and make her look like a fool.

But i still hurt. The pain is still frsh, and tinged with the terrible ache of regret. This is one mistake i wish i didnt have the opportunity to learn from. I close my eyes and try to distract myself from my thoughts on the matter, but it doesnt work. I cry every night at this loss, realizing now too late what i was risking.

Bitterness from her cuts more than i ever thought it could. I was a terrible friend. I cant fix it...i cant make it better, i cant even apologize because her eyes glaze over when she "sees" me. I didnt think it could hurt this much....but at the same time i deserve it. i was horrible to her, if i had been even a fourth of the friend to her as she was to me.....maybe i would sstill be able to call her my friend.

You only get one chance at life, and i have made my share of mistakes, some worse than others.....some completely changed the course of my life....others hurt enough to make me want to fall asleep and never wake up....i dont know what to do....i am sinking back in this hole i barely got out of. I can feel her pain....and knowing i was the cause of it makes it worse.

Faith like Purple Potatoes

I have survived the first month of college, but not without my ups and downs and some scars and regrets. These days its so easy to get caught up in the hype of "what i want to do" rather than thinking "wht i need to do" . This past month has been full of mistakes and regrets for me. Luckily i have some good friends that cared enough about me to call me on my crap and give me a wake up call.

To be exact i got caught up in a life that i often condemned others for. I wanted to be wanted i guess is the proper term. so i compromised my values to become a person they would want to be around. thanks to some divine intervention from one of my best friends i was able to wake up and realize that i didnt want to be on the road i was starting to head off on in a few months. Shoot i didnt want to be on it then. i didnt think about how my choices would affect my future, and once it was pointed out, i saw i was headed in the opposite direction of where i wanted to be.

So hopefully with the help of my close friends who cared enough to go, "knock it off" i will be able to truely be myself and break away from my people pleaser habits.

On a lighter note the friends that have been worth my time and who have stuck around despite my evil ways are now closer to my heart then ever. I am having a blast with college life and doing random things just because i can. Like running through a sprinkler, or balancing on a six foot ledge and falling back on the grass that grows in about two places on campus.
Found a church i really like here, has a lot of qualities i looked for. This past month has shown me that no matter how strong you think you are, or how independent you think you can be, its just the opposite. Those who are the strongest still will fall short, those who need no one wil find themselves utterly alone and helpless. Thats why we need a loving and forgiving God who will always be there to help us up when we fall off the path.

I am finally learning what it means to be an adult. I dont know how great of an adult i will be, i know i am far from perfect and often screw up and go on with my life without thinking. I have a lot of regrets. But i am going to do my best to become my vision of what i want to be when i grow up. That wonderful amazing flawless vision of this wonderful caring artist that i have had in my head since i was about 6 years old. I know i will never be her. but having that goal will help me to stay focused and allow me to ignore all of the distractions down here.
God has a plan for me, and i want to be ready to fulfill that role when he calls. I am in a hard situation right now, about 10-12 hours from home, truely independent for the first time of my life, and also surrounded by people i didnt think would say word one to me. But i know if i have faith that eventually God will show me what my purpose in this life is, i know i can be a godly woman. The woman i have always wanted to be.

Here are som epictures of what i have been doing this past month, i wil have a post with more pictures soon, but i really wanted to update my blog.

WEEK ONE!

this is going to be mostly pictures of life this past week, my first full week at school. in this past week i have been thru the mill, missing family, being creeped out by weird college kids, gettting burnt and so on. hopefully the pictures will tell it better than me.


this pic is my feet after the first day of walking around on campus, the baby toe is bruised, and i ended up breaking it later on in the week. its taped now, and they said its safe to walk on, so i will live.






this is a would be picture if the farmers tan on the back of my neck, which is now about 7 shades darker than the rest of my body. however i am getting tan legs and arms, and i have a funny tan line on my feet where my flip flops sit!




the picture below is my first chalkboard mural, which iam going to update every week. i have waay too much time on my hands i think

so this is it for now, when i can think in a more efficient way i will be more detailed...lol

The Big Apple Adventure

Or

Small Town Girl Goes To The Big Scary Place

New York, if I had to sum it up in one word, is breathtaking. LITERALLY!

But I am getting ahead of myself.

This trip had so many firsts for me. At first, I was nervous with new plane security; I was constantly worried that something would get confiscated or that I would be dragged into that tiny room of doom! Packing was a nightmare; I had to fit enough clothes for a week with extra souvenir room into two small bags, both carry on. Dad tried to stow away but he pulled my clothes out in the process so that didn’t work. LOL.

I woke at 3 in the morning though I didn’t have to be at my ride's house until 9:00. I curled my hair after double checking my suitcases. I was terribly nervous! The ride to the airport was fun, but my stomach was bunched up in knots as I prepared myself for security and the actual plane ride. Being reassured by my friends that it was completely safe and not as big of a hassle as it was made out to be, I went through security without a hitch; though a few of my friends were pulled out to repack their toiletries.

Then I got on the plane.


I was lucky enough to be seated by a good friend who had flown before. He talked to me the entire time and laughed with me at my surprise when I felt jolts of turbulence. However I was ready to be done with planes when we flew from Dallas to Newark NJ. It was one in the morning NY time when we landed and got to the hotel. But it was only 11pm at home. Being on a plane for 3 hours one time and 3 hours another with long waits between transfers is not fun. But I enjoyed the experience the first time.

Tuesday morning. we headed into NYC for the first time. After driving through the already busy traffic, waiting 2 hours through a supposedly 15 minute drive, we got off the bus to walk through the city to experience the full effect. The smell was disgusting! It smelled like old fish and dirty sewers. Not even 5 minutes after we left the bus a man came begging for money. The buildings were so tall! I hurt my neck from looking up so much! We headed out for a tour of the town! we visited St. Patrick’s cathedral, times square, Chrysler building, the apple store, Rockefeller center, and my favorite of the day, THE GUGENHEIM! da da da duh!

ST. Patrick’s cathedral was truly beautiful. the stained glass, the pews. My
favorite part was their enormous organ set up on a balcony in the back. It was at least half the height of the cathedral! The statues and the candles every where made for a beautiful set up. After that I saw a steaming sewer...yes they really do steam. And the vents that are every where in the movies smell like a bathroom that hasn’t been cleaned. We also saw Trump Tower, which was really cool. They have a doorman in the front dressed up all nice.

Now I am a little sore about Rockefeller center, as we walked by I tripped and twisted my ankle. which sucked. I thought the center was a lot bigger than it was, but then again when they fill it with ice in the winter, it has less people in it. or rather less tents. The rest of the buildings (excluding the Guggenheim) we visited were nice, but dimmed in comparison to the Guggenheim!

The Guggenheim is one of the best art museums ever. I saw my first van Gogh and Picasso there! However I was a little disappointed with the permanent exhibits. The architecture sketches were cool, but they all looked the same to me. And finishing the long walk to find sixth grader art at the top was a little irritating. though it is a lot better than art I made in sixth grade.
We took a short break for shopping and a little exploration before dinner. It rained for the first time after that. And it poured! I was drenched before 5 minutes were up. And as quickly as it started, it did not let up! We had the BEST pizza I have ever eaten in NY. These slices were huge! after eating half, it was still as big as a normal paper plate!

After that we headed back to the hotel for some social time and relaxation.

Wednesday! well I got up to prepare myself for one of the highlights of the trip.....PHANTOM OF THE OPERA! We weren’t going to the show until 8...but we were exploring the town all day so unless we wanted to change on the bus we had to get ready in the morning. I wore a blue dress given to me for the occasion. Because it is windy in new York I was wise enough to bring shorts to wear under it. No peeping toms for me! But as we headed to central park for some exploration...I made the mistake of standing on a vent, which blows air as a subway goes by! Needless to say I did a pretty good impersonation of Marilyn Monroe.....I was not happy.. We had picked up a professional tour guide who took us by the apartment building where John Lennon was killed, and his memorial in central park.
We went to the fountain where enchanted was filmed, and met a really cool sax player. who played New York New York for us, and invited me and a few friends to join him in a kick line! Afterward I got to meet Hans Christian Andersen! or rather a statue of him. My mom says we are very likely related so I was tickled. Especially since he wrote one of my favorite stories, The Little Mermaid. I was a little annoyed at first though, because there were a bunch of obnoxious children climbing on the statue, insulting us tourists.

The next thing we saw was a sculpture that had been recovered out of one of the twin towers after nine eleven. It was beaten and bruised and terribly damaged. but it was truly powerful with the message it conveyed.


One of the things about New York is that you never know who you are going to meet! As we walked down wall street a person dressed up in a panda costume walked around, asking for money with its heavily embellished pink sequin purse. As we left Wall Street we headed for the NYC public library. The carving inside was spectacular! The library itself was a work of art! We headed for ground zero next, which looked nothing like the rubble we all picture it as. It is now a busy booming construction site!

After lunch we were given time to explore Times Square and do some souvenir shopping.
Times Square was amazing, there were buildings so covered in light up bill boards that it appeared to be nothing more than that! It was still raining too. At eight o' clock we headed to the Broadway theater. Luckily my teacher had gotten tickets in advance, or we may not have gotten in the line was so long! The musical was amazing! This being my first professional show I was flabbergasted! My only complaint was a couple of sound errors. but that could happen to anyone and they performed admirably besides! I got my t-shirt and went to bed too keyed up to sleep.

Thursday-our last full day in NY, we visited Ellis Island and the statue of liberty! Ellis island was cool but the statue of liberty was better! However I thought she would be bigger than she was. But it's still cool. Then we visited the MOMA or MOdern Museum of Art. It was really cool...but not a lot of classic there. Saw some really disturbing art. We were so wiped out by that time a lot of people crashed (including me) during a brief break we took at the front. I saw Jackson Pollock, Andy Warhol, Rauschenberg , and Chuck Close...all of which are my heroes! Later we explored China town and Little Italy. both of which were so cool! The first thing I saw in China town was a window full of roasted ducks, which all still had there heads on them.

Later we visited the Empire State Building...but only went to the 86th floor, mostly because we would get a better view. I was not terrified like I thought I would be! The view was truly breath taking! Me and some friends goofed off while we waited for our group to come together. Got some funny pictures.

Friday- our final day. We had until 2:00 pm to explore the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and in those six hours I had I barely scratched the surface! I saw Dali, van Gogh, Rembrandt, O’Keeffe, Pollock, Chagall, Monet, Manet, and so many others! I was truly geeking out! I was so excited I couldn’t contain myself. I made a guard nervous, I was just trying to get a good look at one of my favorites, van Gogh ’s corn field, and she asked me to back away. All I could do was sober up and be a civilized viewer. I think I resembled a fan girl beforehand. I saw samurai armor and famous sculptures. I saw the stained glass window from Ferris Bueller's day off, and the painting where Cameron zooms in. Making the Chicago setting inaccurate. At lunch I had my first NYC hot dog. which tasted so delicious!
I had a hard time believing it was a hot dog. We left to board the plane that would take us home. But a Swiss army knife delayed us as a passenger from the last flight had left it on. We waited 2hours for a storm, then another for the knife. Didn’t get home until five in the morning, but I had so much fun it was well worth it.







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I am attending NMSU this fall with an honor's scholarship. I will be majoring in art and education. My father, who edited this post, sincerely hopes I learn to use the shift key before my freshman comp professor flunks me.

You can see all 1,188 pictures I took in NYC HERE.