PArt of life is making mistakes and learning to live with the consequences. Unfortunately no one ever tells you exactly how much it will hurt when you hurt someone you care about. Someone who was always there for you, someone you took for granted. And sadly the worst part is when they are finally fed up with you and just pull themselves out of your life, leaving a big gaping hole that leaves you feeling like the world's biggest jerk and loser.
If i could do it over, i would have been completely and totally honest. For some reason i decided to lie about something stupid, and it did more damage then telling the truth would have. Now i get to pick up the few pieces i have left of one of my best friendships and cry over my loss. I can't fix it, cuz i was the one who made the intial mistake. No matter how much i apologize she just doesnt want me in her life anymore. Maybe its better this way. maybe now she can get on with her life with out me there to continually complicate it and make her look like a fool.
But i still hurt. The pain is still frsh, and tinged with the terrible ache of regret. This is one mistake i wish i didnt have the opportunity to learn from. I close my eyes and try to distract myself from my thoughts on the matter, but it doesnt work. I cry every night at this loss, realizing now too late what i was risking.
Bitterness from her cuts more than i ever thought it could. I was a terrible friend. I cant fix it...i cant make it better, i cant even apologize because her eyes glaze over when she "sees" me. I didnt think it could hurt this much....but at the same time i deserve it. i was horrible to her, if i had been even a fourth of the friend to her as she was to me.....maybe i would sstill be able to call her my friend.
You only get one chance at life, and i have made my share of mistakes, some worse than others.....some completely changed the course of my life....others hurt enough to make me want to fall asleep and never wake up....i dont know what to do....i am sinking back in this hole i barely got out of. I can feel her pain....and knowing i was the cause of it makes it worse.
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All you can do is learn from it and move on. Yes, it still hurts, but everything fades with time. It might seem like the most important thing going on right now, but in 10 years, will it still be? Just take your lesson and move on. Do better with your next friend.
ReplyDeleteEveyone is going to tell you the same thing. (let it go, move on etc._) But what do you want to hear? Should I say to end it all? Of course not because we've all been where you are and we know that the omly logical thing to do would be to live. Not just exist because that is the same as dead. Life is weird and wonderful. I think about how many times in my life where I thought to myself......'this is the worst thing I have ever gotten into'. And then 2 years later I am laughing thinking about how I got over it. What was so magnified then seemed to shrink. New things happen in our livesalll the time.\So my advice would be to go ahead and hurt, but do not direst the hurt on anyone else and before you know it it will fade. (my longest pain was 6 years) One more thing, usually, I would say more than 90% of the time, she will return again. But be careful because its probably not the reason that you think.
ReplyDeleteAnd above all, dont lie to yourself. Youre the only one that knows who you are.
Take care
pUnK