i got to thinking today. when a foundation falls apart underneath you, you cant fix it while your structure is on top, at least not well enough to permenantly dispose of the problem. you have to destroy the current structure, lay a new foundation, and build a completely new structure. otherwise you get cracks, which can often lead to more serious problems.
the problem i have been having is feeling as though i am this structure, and the foundation i laid my life on has not been strong enough to support me, nor has it been serving its function as a cementing place for my life. this is probably one of the hardest things i have ever had to do.
i have to sit down, and figure out what needs to go, what stays, and where i need to rebuild. i cant do this based on what i believe others will do, say or feel. i have to do this based on whats going to help me the most, whats going to be most productive towards my goal and my life. it sounds selfish, but living my life to please others has gotten me no where.
God please give me the strength adn the wisdom to make the oncoming decisions, the courage to rebuild broken relationships, and the grace to make an easy transition.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
felling better?
life can be confusing, but its all in your reaction and your attitude.
we cant change the world, only influence certain elements around us. lately i have been confusing emotion with action. its not wrong to be angry, its wrong to act based upon your anger. if we learn how to seperate ourselves from this issue, and see why we are really mad, and if its worth being angry about, then make a decision.
most of the things people in our society get mad about are trivial, and yes they can be important. but priority only goes to the things you give it to.
like a cell phone. yes it makes life more convienient and i really wish i had one, but its not a necessity.
life is more like a play, some scenes your on the stage playing your part, others you choose to sit back and watch them play out.
we cant change the world, only influence certain elements around us. lately i have been confusing emotion with action. its not wrong to be angry, its wrong to act based upon your anger. if we learn how to seperate ourselves from this issue, and see why we are really mad, and if its worth being angry about, then make a decision.
most of the things people in our society get mad about are trivial, and yes they can be important. but priority only goes to the things you give it to.
like a cell phone. yes it makes life more convienient and i really wish i had one, but its not a necessity.
life is more like a play, some scenes your on the stage playing your part, others you choose to sit back and watch them play out.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Why i Love You
when all the lights went out
and all seemed lost
when earth was about
to become a lost cause
there was a light
it seemed to get dimmer
no one moved towards it
it was barely a glimmer
earth cradled the candle
affection overflowing
not too hot to handle
and love was going
Through her veins
and into her heart
which bled so often
earth was torn apart
but the flame was moving
and it healed the rest
of her poor heart that was fluttering
for you knew what was best
but along came this candle
and once it had wick
it grew to the sun
because it had its pick
of affection so great
that bloomed into love
which grew into bonds
destined above
and earth changed alot
from a dark little seed
to a blossom so bright
it would not be believed
her stem grew tall
her leaves grew wide
her blossoms were amazing
and love took them astride
as the sun kissed the blossom
it became a tree
with roots so deep
yet leaves so free
the sun joined the tree
went inside its strong trunk
and deep inside
two thoughts were thunk
one became a man
very tall like the tree
the other a woman
whose spirit was finally free
inside they danced
no shame, no hate
just the man and the woman
their love was great
so great that the tree
could not contain love
so it burst at the roots
and they were sent above
to dance in the stars
that made their eyes shine
where all dreams that were yours
were also mine
to think this all started
with one little light
that refused to be extinguished
and tried to be bright.
and all seemed lost
when earth was about
to become a lost cause
there was a light
it seemed to get dimmer
no one moved towards it
it was barely a glimmer
earth cradled the candle
affection overflowing
not too hot to handle
and love was going
Through her veins
and into her heart
which bled so often
earth was torn apart
but the flame was moving
and it healed the rest
of her poor heart that was fluttering
for you knew what was best
but along came this candle
and once it had wick
it grew to the sun
because it had its pick
of affection so great
that bloomed into love
which grew into bonds
destined above
and earth changed alot
from a dark little seed
to a blossom so bright
it would not be believed
her stem grew tall
her leaves grew wide
her blossoms were amazing
and love took them astride
as the sun kissed the blossom
it became a tree
with roots so deep
yet leaves so free
the sun joined the tree
went inside its strong trunk
and deep inside
two thoughts were thunk
one became a man
very tall like the tree
the other a woman
whose spirit was finally free
inside they danced
no shame, no hate
just the man and the woman
their love was great
so great that the tree
could not contain love
so it burst at the roots
and they were sent above
to dance in the stars
that made their eyes shine
where all dreams that were yours
were also mine
to think this all started
with one little light
that refused to be extinguished
and tried to be bright.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Let me tie my shoes
i love my life. i have been in this shift of mind where i keep reflecting. the more i think about what i have been through, the happier i am that i never gave up. i have a great life. no its not perfect, but since when is life perfect? Me? i think i got pretty darn close.
this last year i see as a continuing test that i forgot to study for. now i get to cram and try to pass. I didnt do so hot last semester in school. now i get to make up for it. I get to retake the courses and still graduate slightly on time. Now its only my associates, but its a start. i then plan to head over to unm or another similar university and get my bachelors in secondary education. a bad semester isnt the end of the world. It's a chance to prove the world hasnt got you yet.
I think a problem i have been facing is a lack of motivation. i had a hard time getting excited about doing things that needed to be done. But now that i have my schedule figured out and a pretty good idea of what im doing the next two years....im PSYCHED! i cant wait to start teaching! especially art....sigh i love art! and...its almost like God is nodding in approval. i talked to several people about my plans...including an old teacher friend of mine, who said they always pictured me becoming a teacher.
Now its up to me to get back on track, get focused and start running to the finish line. but this isnt a sprint. Life is a marathon, and if you give up..you will never finish. The thing about races though...often you find people on the sidelines along the way, offering support, encouragement, and a cool refreshment.
I have my team, i have my running shoes. now its time to pick myself up and keep running. after all a marathon isnt about winning.....its about doing your best to get to that finish line
this last year i see as a continuing test that i forgot to study for. now i get to cram and try to pass. I didnt do so hot last semester in school. now i get to make up for it. I get to retake the courses and still graduate slightly on time. Now its only my associates, but its a start. i then plan to head over to unm or another similar university and get my bachelors in secondary education. a bad semester isnt the end of the world. It's a chance to prove the world hasnt got you yet.
I think a problem i have been facing is a lack of motivation. i had a hard time getting excited about doing things that needed to be done. But now that i have my schedule figured out and a pretty good idea of what im doing the next two years....im PSYCHED! i cant wait to start teaching! especially art....sigh i love art! and...its almost like God is nodding in approval. i talked to several people about my plans...including an old teacher friend of mine, who said they always pictured me becoming a teacher.
Now its up to me to get back on track, get focused and start running to the finish line. but this isnt a sprint. Life is a marathon, and if you give up..you will never finish. The thing about races though...often you find people on the sidelines along the way, offering support, encouragement, and a cool refreshment.
I have my team, i have my running shoes. now its time to pick myself up and keep running. after all a marathon isnt about winning.....its about doing your best to get to that finish line
Monday, June 28, 2010
In a philosophical state of mind
after last night i have been a thoughful state of mind. im not sure what brought it about. maybe being so honest with myself made me start to think about how i have been thinking, my patterns and the way i have been thinking the last few months.
something i have noiced is it has been all about me. literally. until about last week when i started talking to mom about how to be a better sibling, daughter and girlfriend, i was a selfish little bit**. i didnt think about anyone else but me. i still struggle with it alot of the time. im trying to learn to be more patient and not to parent my younger siblings. its really hard not to becase mr i has developed this new habit where i tell him he needs to calm down or something and he says make me...irks me to death. i think i might be doing better but im not sure. i have been keeping my hands to myself.....biting my tongue instead of smarting off all the time. trying to think about how i would feel on their side if it was me.
i am not perfect i have a lot of work to do. its an ongoing process i guess.
something i have noiced is it has been all about me. literally. until about last week when i started talking to mom about how to be a better sibling, daughter and girlfriend, i was a selfish little bit**. i didnt think about anyone else but me. i still struggle with it alot of the time. im trying to learn to be more patient and not to parent my younger siblings. its really hard not to becase mr i has developed this new habit where i tell him he needs to calm down or something and he says make me...irks me to death. i think i might be doing better but im not sure. i have been keeping my hands to myself.....biting my tongue instead of smarting off all the time. trying to think about how i would feel on their side if it was me.
i am not perfect i have a lot of work to do. its an ongoing process i guess.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Chapter one of she will be the death of me
very rough draft..some creative writing. cant write romance so i thought i would write a murder story..yeah
I stare at the window…not thru it. The reflection of the body in the glass haunts me. What a pitiful creature. Tear stained cheeks and a black eye. What a waste. She was so beautiful. Chestnut lock, though short were soft and luxurious, now lay streamed out beneath her head, framing the loveliness that now stared blankly ahead. Green eyes, unblinking, still twinkled even in death. That porcelain complexion still looked healthy even after the blood had left her cheeks.
Sasha deserved it. I walk over slowly to her body, my fingers stroke her soft cheek. Her full red lips have turned pale. My fingers trace her collar bone, her neck marred with the marks from my hands. I chose this method on purpose, I wanted her to know she was dying, to suffer as she made me suffer. I continue to stare at the corpse in fornt of me. So beautiful, yet so disgusting. She was such a vile creature preying upon the desires of man to get her petty inconvieniences. She flaunted that curvy frame, knowing men would stare and give her anything to get her attention. She didn’t deserve such beauty..not when I had to work so hard for everything I had in life everything! No man ever looked at me with such intense heat, no man ever swept me off my feet nor did they heed my voice when I called out in my time of need. All because of her.
I started plotting Sasha’s death sometime ago. I remember that day well, she knocked on my door at about three in the morning. I groggily crawled out of bed to find a truly distraught sasha standing out in the rain. She had been crying, and the makeup that enhanced her pretty features was pouring down her face in streams on her cheeks. She covered her lips with her hands in a prayer like gesture, smiled and hugged me. I stiffened. How dare she?
“can I come in?” she asked, “I need somewhere to stay the night.” Of course she did. This wasn’t the first time. Sasha had a bad habit of getting involved with the wrong crowd in her ploys for attention. And once she dumped the poor chum he often went looking for a gun. I envied the bastard for having the guts to do what I longed for.
“come in”
She climbed inside and crawled out of her stillettos, heading to bathroom awkwardly on her now flat feet. “you wont believe the night I have been through.” she said
“Try me.” I said coming up behind her in the bathroom as she tried uselessly to wipe off the thick eyeliner that had now stained her cheeks
“I don’t know what got into him…one minute we’re happy, having a few drinks…the next hes holding a knife to my throat.”
“who? Matthew?”
“no I left him a week ago..this is Jared” she said noncommittally as she continued to poke and prod at her face.
“…ok. You seem to be moving through men fairly fast. This isn’t the first time this has happened you know.”
She glared at me in the mirror and ignored me. Tears welled up in her eyes. “I don’t know why this happens to me, I mean you have never had these issues with men.”
I rolled my eyes. I never had these issues with men because I had to deal with her issues. I was often the one to call the police when men came looking for her here, I had been shot before, a bullet was stuck in my thigh to prove it, and a knife scar marred my belly.
“you just don’t understand what its like to be me. I go to parties to cut loose, relax have some fun and these people just come trying to start trouble. All they want is to sleep with me.
“maybe if you didn’t lead them on dear. I mean look at you!”
She turned towards me to give me a better look at her ensemble. Just as I feared. A short form fitting red dress with a low cut bodice to show off her ample cleavage, a corset to show off her figure, and the seven inch stillettos she had just taken off. The dress had practically nothing to it in the back, and the fabric of the skirt left nothing to the imagination of what was underneath it. Her hair looked as though she had been trysting with several men all night long and was pinned back on one side. Her makeup, though smeared over her face was heavy and still showed traces of its original application. Bright red lipstick on her perfect pout, heavy black eyeliner to accent her green eyes, and perfectly manicured eyebrow that had been perfected with eyebrow gel. Her nails were painted a coordinating red, and her body, though pale was not unhealthily colored. Any mans perfect wet dream.
No means no. she said affirmatively, just because I dance with a guy does not mean I want to sleep with him. I rolled my eyes. Her version of dancing with a man was grinding against him and bringing him to the brink of release before she would ditch him. Then as soon as a guy was giving her the attention she wanted she quickly moved her advances to a man who could care less about her. She always wanted what she couldn’t have.
“if you say so. Just know I care about you and I only want you to be safe, abd I don’t agree with the way you lead these drug stupored men on. They don’t think clearly and they only want revenge half the time. They don’t think about the jail sentence or electric chair.”
She walked up to me and embrace me tightly, her braless cleavage squished against me…it made me want to gag as she pulled back and her lip quivered. Im sorry she whispered, you are right.
She wandered out of the bathroom into my bedroom, going through my closet and taking a pair of pjs. As she secured her hair in a ponytail and sat on the couch I resented her more. So naturally gorgeous even in the mess she was in. traces of the makeup still resided under her eyes, making her look even more tired, but her well defined cheekbones wide spaced eyes, and flawless complexion drove me mad.
I stare at the window…not thru it. The reflection of the body in the glass haunts me. What a pitiful creature. Tear stained cheeks and a black eye. What a waste. She was so beautiful. Chestnut lock, though short were soft and luxurious, now lay streamed out beneath her head, framing the loveliness that now stared blankly ahead. Green eyes, unblinking, still twinkled even in death. That porcelain complexion still looked healthy even after the blood had left her cheeks.
Sasha deserved it. I walk over slowly to her body, my fingers stroke her soft cheek. Her full red lips have turned pale. My fingers trace her collar bone, her neck marred with the marks from my hands. I chose this method on purpose, I wanted her to know she was dying, to suffer as she made me suffer. I continue to stare at the corpse in fornt of me. So beautiful, yet so disgusting. She was such a vile creature preying upon the desires of man to get her petty inconvieniences. She flaunted that curvy frame, knowing men would stare and give her anything to get her attention. She didn’t deserve such beauty..not when I had to work so hard for everything I had in life everything! No man ever looked at me with such intense heat, no man ever swept me off my feet nor did they heed my voice when I called out in my time of need. All because of her.
I started plotting Sasha’s death sometime ago. I remember that day well, she knocked on my door at about three in the morning. I groggily crawled out of bed to find a truly distraught sasha standing out in the rain. She had been crying, and the makeup that enhanced her pretty features was pouring down her face in streams on her cheeks. She covered her lips with her hands in a prayer like gesture, smiled and hugged me. I stiffened. How dare she?
“can I come in?” she asked, “I need somewhere to stay the night.” Of course she did. This wasn’t the first time. Sasha had a bad habit of getting involved with the wrong crowd in her ploys for attention. And once she dumped the poor chum he often went looking for a gun. I envied the bastard for having the guts to do what I longed for.
“come in”
She climbed inside and crawled out of her stillettos, heading to bathroom awkwardly on her now flat feet. “you wont believe the night I have been through.” she said
“Try me.” I said coming up behind her in the bathroom as she tried uselessly to wipe off the thick eyeliner that had now stained her cheeks
“I don’t know what got into him…one minute we’re happy, having a few drinks…the next hes holding a knife to my throat.”
“who? Matthew?”
“no I left him a week ago..this is Jared” she said noncommittally as she continued to poke and prod at her face.
“…ok. You seem to be moving through men fairly fast. This isn’t the first time this has happened you know.”
She glared at me in the mirror and ignored me. Tears welled up in her eyes. “I don’t know why this happens to me, I mean you have never had these issues with men.”
I rolled my eyes. I never had these issues with men because I had to deal with her issues. I was often the one to call the police when men came looking for her here, I had been shot before, a bullet was stuck in my thigh to prove it, and a knife scar marred my belly.
“you just don’t understand what its like to be me. I go to parties to cut loose, relax have some fun and these people just come trying to start trouble. All they want is to sleep with me.
“maybe if you didn’t lead them on dear. I mean look at you!”
She turned towards me to give me a better look at her ensemble. Just as I feared. A short form fitting red dress with a low cut bodice to show off her ample cleavage, a corset to show off her figure, and the seven inch stillettos she had just taken off. The dress had practically nothing to it in the back, and the fabric of the skirt left nothing to the imagination of what was underneath it. Her hair looked as though she had been trysting with several men all night long and was pinned back on one side. Her makeup, though smeared over her face was heavy and still showed traces of its original application. Bright red lipstick on her perfect pout, heavy black eyeliner to accent her green eyes, and perfectly manicured eyebrow that had been perfected with eyebrow gel. Her nails were painted a coordinating red, and her body, though pale was not unhealthily colored. Any mans perfect wet dream.
No means no. she said affirmatively, just because I dance with a guy does not mean I want to sleep with him. I rolled my eyes. Her version of dancing with a man was grinding against him and bringing him to the brink of release before she would ditch him. Then as soon as a guy was giving her the attention she wanted she quickly moved her advances to a man who could care less about her. She always wanted what she couldn’t have.
“if you say so. Just know I care about you and I only want you to be safe, abd I don’t agree with the way you lead these drug stupored men on. They don’t think clearly and they only want revenge half the time. They don’t think about the jail sentence or electric chair.”
She walked up to me and embrace me tightly, her braless cleavage squished against me…it made me want to gag as she pulled back and her lip quivered. Im sorry she whispered, you are right.
She wandered out of the bathroom into my bedroom, going through my closet and taking a pair of pjs. As she secured her hair in a ponytail and sat on the couch I resented her more. So naturally gorgeous even in the mess she was in. traces of the makeup still resided under her eyes, making her look even more tired, but her well defined cheekbones wide spaced eyes, and flawless complexion drove me mad.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
DIYYOR FOR LIFE!!! XD
so i have a new obsession that has me completely excited about clothes again! i used to do it all the time. i would alter some pieces and make them new again. well i started doing it again so im not tempted to spend money i dont have on clothes i dont really need. but yeah. i can keep my style cheaply pictures up soon!
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