the future as we know it

last night something scary happened....i felt completely alone, hurt and scared as i tried to doze off...something was after me..then i kept blacking out...even in the middle of a phone call. thank you God for giving me friends who will take care of me. my roommate, my boyfriend,and my best friend made sure i was taken care of

As the scissors close

When you make a mistake that has the potential to destroy everything you have worked for and care about, its an eye opening experience. almost like a near death one. Except these have the potential to hurt you more, cuz they tend to be your own stupid fault. Because of this mistake i made recently i decided to reevaluate my opinion of myself. in this sense i can find my faults and learn how to compensate for them in the future, which would all ow me to be a better person.

so far i have not really liked what i have seen. im nomt a good person most of the time. but its all part of finding yourself and who you are.

i can be very selfish adn vain. i love attention, and i am a compulsive liar. i love to flirt and i love to get reactions out of people. i can be quite stubborn and impatient, and i have major commitment issues. Yet i can be a very jealous girlfriend. I envy alot of what i cant have, and dont appreciate what i do have. alot of the things i have pushed for in klife i pushed for merely because i knew i would get something out of it. i can also be very very veyr lazy

Seeing things like this is a sobering experience. Humans are not pretty creatures, we are ugly sinful things that lust and envy. i dont like what im seeing, but seeing it allows me to embrace who i am and become a better person because of it. How shallow would i be if i told i did not have pride and faults?

I am sad that it took a mistake this bad to make me realize how much i needed to wake up and change. i didnt use to be like this...at least i dont think i have. but when you wake up to find yourself at rock bottom, you need to find a way back up.

My prayers are frequent and fervent. most of them for strength to be humble enough to apologize to those i hurt and for forgiveness i dont deserve. i was raised in a decent household and there is no excuse for the way i have become besides the result of my own choices.

another thing i have been pondering is change. i have been wanting to cut my hair, change the way i look for awhile. if i am already changing the way i want to act i should change my outer appearance too. so i can get a real fresh start.
So either tomorrow or the day, as my hair hits the floor of the barber shop, i shed off all my old mistkes and begin my journey to rebuilding my relationships with my loved ones, with God, and with myself.

now everytime i look in the mirror, i will remind myself that i can be a better person and i am not limited to my old habits. i am strong enough to break them and rise above them.

Im writing a song.....

being a vocal performance major, i get to be inspired randomly i guess. im writing a song, and i would love some help. still working out the tune...but the lyrics are hard. idk, i doubt this will ever be sold anywhere unless you like youtube and i get a way to put it there.

Here's what i have so far

Title: Golden Eyes

I sit beside you
Loving your eyes
As they shine that
lovely golden color
We get lost
as we dream
about the hopes we share

above the clouds
beside the moon
we float peacefully
among the stars
Our home is
made of orange peels
you look at me
them my head reels
and spins around....

(Chorus)
I take a deep breathe
gotta calm down
i forgot how to breathe
gotta come around
wake me up
this cant be true
how did i get as lucky
as to have you?

Wake me up
before i fall
too hard
this is too good to be real
wake me up
as i melt
inside
i find it so hard
to believe
you are mine...

(chorus)

I float on down
into your
arms
embracing each other
slowly
your lips meet
mine
and i know that this is true
I love you

(Chorus)

now i dont know
that this
feeling is real
no matter what
i think it should be
but then i forget how to breathe

(chorus)

I love you

You know you screwed up when...

Today marks the almost six month anniversary of me going away to college, and i dare say it feels like im sixty years older since i went away. You learn alot the first time you live on your own...
Me,im still learning alot. But i can honestly say i learned aot mroe than i thought i needed to. I have gained such insight on myself. I learned that i can be quite a coward when it comes to certain things. Certain cars, stairs, ice, and arguments make me sweat.
While i have been away, i realize mom and dad were right about so many things, and i used to swear they didnt know anything. Well obviously i was wrong. My parents have been my steadfast place to go when everything else is going wrong. They always told me they would love me no matter what, and they were right.

I have fought my way through depression, denial, and hurt. And i am stronger because of it. Now i am so amazingly happy, i have an amazing boyfriend, my school is going well, i have a job that i love. as sad as i used to be thats how happy i am now.
I love you mom and dad
I love you michael

Financial Aid/Moving and other fun forms

Went in to discuss housing options as of now since my roommate moved out and so did my friend Miss L's(changed for privacy) Because i hate D hall so much(the block i live in) i am hoping i will get to be Miss L's roommate as she is a fairly close friend and stuff. But due to freezing of the system as they check adn see who is still here and who is not i get to wait it out and see if this will even be an option by the end of te month. Also i checked my financial aid and to my understanding, this is not a final quote i am getting this double checked tomorrow, as of now with all of my current fin aid paid to my account already i still owe over 1300 dollars. Im pretty torked about it as i got the same amount of money tis semester if not more to help me.
So i go in tomorrow to get this double checked and see if i have more money coming in. if not i may have to take out a loan again....which i would prefer not do because i would ave been fine wihtout one last semester if i had not jumped the gun.
So there is my venting for the day

I miss you the most

Im 500 miles away from home
and you are so far away
but this is merely temporary
a test
we will be together again
now i must be strong
and do well in school
so that we may have a strong future
i love you dearest

back at school

im back at school. so yeah...thats it