Just because....

Sigh
just because i have made mistakes
doesnt mean im worthless
just because life is difficult right now
doesnt mean it wont get better
just because things are hard
doesnt mean i cant learn something
just because we are apart now
doesnt mean we cant grow closer later

life is full of challenges, we canat control them, and will die trying. i have major control issues, i will be the first to admit that. I have nearly killed myself trying to fix my life to what i thought it would be. 2009 brought new mistakes, but also new knowledge.

I learned that my parents love me and do know what they are talking about
i learned that boys are trouble, and only a few really care about you
I learned that just because i screw up doesnt mean that im worthless
I learned that some people claim to be your friends, but arent
I learned that the friends who call you on your mistake, but stick by you despite are worth keeping
i learned that the real accepts those who care to OVER acheive, nott hose who procrastinate
I learned extra effort in an interview is well worth it
I learned that old friends stay friends even if the distance increases, they still care and reconnecting is fun.
I learned how to identify love from infatuation, and to seperate desire from needs
I learned to budget
I learned to fill out fancy paperwork
And finally i learned to be myself.....because no one else is going to do it

MAY I VENT? >:(

drama drama drama! why is it some people cant get enough? they complain about how much it makes their lives suck with the drama, but start MORE! why?! do you want to make my life miserable? to make it so i cant live down a mistake? i have apologized, and the affected parties have forgiven me, but you havent! why?
it doesnt even involve you! you claim to be such great friends with this person, but how can you be? you dont talk to anyone unless its someone you are sexaully involved with! WHy spoil my happiness?
you dont know me, dont judge me!

Dear Friend

I hope you understand. I miss you terribly, but i know in my heart that you would not want me to stop my life on your account. So even though my heart aches, and i feel terrible inside, i can't grieve yet. So for now i will hold it all inside. My heart is torn, and the tears are aching to flow. but i can't cry, not yet. my dear friend...i dont know what to do. but i know you want me to keep living. i pray for you, that on judgment day you will be allowed inside.
i cant cry yet. i hope you understand...
love,
Me

Empty

Well today really sucked
but i dont feel anything
i should be crying my eyes out
yet they are dry
I pray for your soul
hoping God's grace will grant it's blessings
so that when the pearly gates open
i can ask you
why?
was it something i did
or something i didnt do?
was life truely unbvearable for you?
I am going to miss you
Rest in the peace you longed to find

i am too sad to tell you

i dont know whats going on
but i feel so empty
so alone
but im surrounded by people
i dont know whats going on
its snowing outside
i should be happy
but hot wet tears stream down my face
i feel sick inside
if i could only name this feeling
maybe you could help me
before its too late
it doesnt take much to make me cry
and its hard to make me smile

Dear God...

hmmm
i dont know what to think
about anything right now
i dont want to
i want to listen to my breathing as it grows even
feel the muscles in my body relax
i want to stare into the distance
and feel my eyes become unfocused
i dont want to feel
i just want to be dormant
nonexistant for awhile
not forever
just for a little bit
i want the pain to go away
the headachs, heartaches and tension
i want to forget the past present and future
i dont understand anything
i dont want to anymore
but im tired of hurting
for no reason at all
tired of a deep sinking feeling in my heart
that pulls me down farther everyday
i dont know whats going on
i pray everynight that you will help me through this
but nothing happens
what am i doing wrong?
i think i have lost site of you Lord....
i dont know how to find you again
always i go in this circle of disobedience..
i dont want it to keep going
i find you, then forget you
find, then forget
and forget.
im tired of hurting....
please carry me through this new chapter
for i dont know how to live it
guide my choices
choose my words
i surrender myself, my mind, and my soul to you Lord.
I want to live my life the way you want me to
please be there to help me through
Amen