Over-due update

I'm still alive, I swear

How-to Make a Hoodie, Hollywood Renegade, Threadbanger

I apologize for the lack of posts yet again, I have been really busy with school and work, but give me a week and a half and they will start bein cranked out i promise!!

Shard

You left me standing
without an answer
without a reason
just a glare

My legs wont move
Im frozen
Now im glued
to the stair

I guess i should have woken up
i guess i should have known
that one day i wouldn't be enough
anymore

so this is how things end
now im shattered on the floor
like a broken piece of pottery
all you've left me is
a shard

I stand like a statue
as you walk out of my life
crushing pieces of my heart
as you walk by

Now i don't know what to do or say
anymore
I just sweep all the pieces of my heart
before you leave
you say one thing
that tears me apart

I guess i should have woken up
i guess i should have known
that one day i wouldn't be enough
anymore

so this is how things end
now im shattered on the floor
like a broken piece of pottery
all you've left me as
is a shard

I watch you through the window
as you leave without a glance
now i know in my heart that this is my last chance
as i go to head you off
i feel a sudden pain

among the blood on the floor
hidden in the stains
is that one little shard
my last remains

I guess i should have woken up
i guess i should have known
that one day i wouldn't be enough
anymore

so this is how things end
now im shattered on the floor
like a broken piece of pottery
all you've left me is
a shard

i know that one day
i will be able to smile
one day
everything will be sunny once more
one day
i'll forget about this time

but right now
just let me cry

It's like eating gold, to have a gilded turd.

I gave you everything... trusted you more than i had anyone else, i wanted to believe you were going to be better then the rest. You would be my prince charming, and i would live happily ever after.

Now things have ended, and Im stranded at a fork in the road. Do i go after what i really want and risk hurting you more in the process? Or do i give myself a break.... just don't worry about anything, even though that would slowly kill me on the inside.

I knew this would hurt, but i would be lying if i said i didn't see it coming. And i would be lying if i said i don't wish things had worked out differently before. Now I'm not so sure. Things always seem to work against me.

But I'm not some dollar store trinket, an object to be used for awhile until you get sick of me and want something of higher quality. I am that rare find at the antique store, the one you threw away then found out i was worth a fortune.

Conflicts of the heart

Difficulties in long distance relationships are often made to be exponentially worse. This kind of relationship is based on trust from both parties, if either or both party is having issues, then things can fall apart quickly i have noticed. I'm not sure how to react to this change, or really what to do. At the moment i am waiting it out. Maybe things will get better. If not, its been decided mutually to just let it go. Both decisions hurt. I don't trust him as much as i would like to, despite how much he has tried to prove it to me. In my attempt to keep him close, we both pushed off of each other in opposite directions.

Someone told me I am infamous of the mushy-gushy love feeling. They believed thats what i sought after in a relationship, but to be honest, i have never really felt it here. Very rarely did i get the feelings that are reminiscent of the old high school crushes when one first discovers the opposite sex. With long distance, i don't feel it is possible. I feel like I'm slowly withering away with the remains of what was there. No matter how much we talk and work things out, we still don't have the easy going conversations we had before. granted its only been a few days since our fight, but we resolved the matter and agreed with no hard feelings. Why don't i feel closure?

I know part of this is caused by my severe trust issues, provoked by my ptsd. I also know that i am not as comfortable with the idea of moving in with him as i originally thought. I would love to move on from my anxieties, but failure to acknowledge them causes things to blow up later. I feel horrible, because both he and i believed that i was more stable, more trusting, then how much worse we both found out i was. But at the same time, why can;t i get over this one fight? i still keep playing it in my head, i have nightmares about it, i still get angry thinking about the exchanges we made to each other. I don't get it. I'm sick of being mad, but when i try to let it go, he says something else.

As devastated as i would be if we broke up, i wonder if we would do better apart...

New blog idea

lately i have been very interested in t-shirt reconstruction. I'm am seriously considering building a site with a new one for every day, however that is a lot of t-shirts, so maybe i will have some that are just how to wear them, etc.... yeah i am pretty excited about it

Second guessing and what-ifs are deadly

Lately i have been second guessing myself, in almost everything... Should i wear this, is it ok to eat this, i should not have said that, is this good for me, can i live without this? And it scares me because... well, my life is going swimmingly right now. It's almost like i want something bad to happen, but i don't.

last night i was second guessing some decisions of my past. wondering if i had done something differently if things would have ended up better, or if i had just... done more or less....