Daily Dose of Randomness

Over-due update

2011-06-15T13:12:00.000-07:00

I'm still alive, I swear

How-to Make a Hoodie, Hollywood Renegade, Threadbanger

2011-04-29T20:09:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the lack of posts yet again, I have been really busy with school and work, but give me a week and a half and they will start bein cranked out i promise!!

Shard

2011-04-20T19:47:00.000-07:00

You left me standing
without an answer
without a reason
just a glare

My legs wont move
Im frozen
Now im glued
to the stair

I guess i should have woken up
i guess i should have known
that one day i wouldn't be enough
anymore

so this is how things end
now im shattered on the floor
like a broken piece of pottery
all you've left me is
a shard

I stand like a statue
as you walk out of my life
crushing pieces of my heart
as you walk by

Now i don't know what to do or say
anymore
I just sweep all the pieces of my heart
before you leave
you say one thing
that tears me apart

I guess i should have woken up
i guess i should have known
that one day i wouldn't be enough
anymore

so this is how things end
now im shattered on the floor
like a broken piece of pottery
all you've left me as
is a shard

I watch you through the window
as you leave without a glance
now i know in my heart that this is my last chance
as i go to head you off
i feel a sudden pain

among the blood on the floor
hidden in the stains
is that one little shard
my last remains

I guess i should have woken up
i guess i should have known
that one day i wouldn't be enough
anymore

so this is how things end
now im shattered on the floor
like a broken piece of pottery
all you've left me is
a shard

i know that one day
i will be able to smile
one day
everything will be sunny once more
one day
i'll forget about this time

but right now
just let me cry

It's like eating gold, to have a gilded turd.

2011-04-20T18:21:00.000-07:00

I gave you everything... trusted you more than i had anyone else, i wanted to believe you were going to be better then the rest. You would be my prince charming, and i would live happily ever after.

Now things have ended, and Im stranded at a fork in the road. Do i go after what i really want and risk hurting you more in the process? Or do i give myself a break.... just don't worry about anything, even though that would slowly kill me on the inside.

I knew this would hurt, but i would be lying if i said i didn't see it coming. And i would be lying if i said i don't wish things had worked out differently before. Now I'm not so sure. Things always seem to work against me.

But I'm not some dollar store trinket, an object to be used for awhile until you get sick of me and want something of higher quality. I am that rare find at the antique store, the one you threw away then found out i was worth a fortune.

Conflicts of the heart

2011-04-19T09:54:00.000-07:00

Difficulties in long distance relationships are often made to be exponentially worse. This kind of relationship is based on trust from both parties, if either or both party is having issues, then things can fall apart quickly i have noticed. I'm not sure how to react to this change, or really what to do. At the moment i am waiting it out. Maybe things will get better. If not, its been decided mutually to just let it go. Both decisions hurt. I don't trust him as much as i would like to, despite how much he has tried to prove it to me. In my attempt to keep him close, we both pushed off of each other in opposite directions.

Someone told me I am infamous of the mushy-gushy love feeling. They believed thats what i sought after in a relationship, but to be honest, i have never really felt it here. Very rarely did i get the feelings that are reminiscent of the old high school crushes when one first discovers the opposite sex. With long distance, i don't feel it is possible. I feel like I'm slowly withering away with the remains of what was there. No matter how much we talk and work things out, we still don't have the easy going conversations we had before. granted its only been a few days since our fight, but we resolved the matter and agreed with no hard feelings. Why don't i feel closure?

I know part of this is caused by my severe trust issues, provoked by my ptsd. I also know that i am not as comfortable with the idea of moving in with him as i originally thought. I would love to move on from my anxieties, but failure to acknowledge them causes things to blow up later. I feel horrible, because both he and i believed that i was more stable, more trusting, then how much worse we both found out i was. But at the same time, why can;t i get over this one fight? i still keep playing it in my head, i have nightmares about it, i still get angry thinking about the exchanges we made to each other. I don't get it. I'm sick of being mad, but when i try to let it go, he says something else.

As devastated as i would be if we broke up, i wonder if we would do better apart...

New blog idea

2011-03-21T12:13:00.000-07:00

lately i have been very interested in t-shirt reconstruction. I'm am seriously considering building a site with a new one for every day, however that is a lot of t-shirts, so maybe i will have some that are just how to wear them, etc.... yeah i am pretty excited about it

Second guessing and what-ifs are deadly

2011-02-22T12:52:00.000-08:00

Lately i have been second guessing myself, in almost everything... Should i wear this, is it ok to eat this, i should not have said that, is this good for me, can i live without this? And it scares me because... well, my life is going swimmingly right now. It's almost like i want something bad to happen, but i don't.

last night i was second guessing some decisions of my past. wondering if i had done something differently if things would have ended up better, or if i had just... done more or less....

Zombie story....

2011-02-15T15:35:00.000-08:00

She stared blankly into space, hardly daring to let the information she had heard sink into her mind. It was overplayed, it could NOT be as big a deal as they made it out to be. It had to be like swine or avian flu. It would blow over and everyone would feel foolish. But what if it was as bad as it seemed? What would she do? She felt her partner shift his weight in bed and took a deep breath. He was such a light sleeper, she did not want to wake him with her nervous mind. Slowly she rolled over, closed her eyes, and forced her mind to go blank.

Ellie woke up as usual, though she had barely slept at all. She stretched her arms over head and slowly shifted out of the covers, hoping not to disturb the man beside her. It was no use, Phil rolled over in bed and caught a glimpse of her worried expression, it must have been bad, as sleepy as he seemed. Ellie had started to walk away when he took her hand and pulled her back towards the bed.
“why the long face, beautiful?” he asked, his dark brown eyes filled with concern and affection. Ellie sighed heavily, debating on whether she should tell him what she was worried about or not.
“have you seen the news? The “undead virus” people are talking about?” Ellie asked as she fidgeted her hands, wringing them in an attempt to keep from getting hysterical. Phil nodded, and she took a deep breath again, trying to calm her nerves.
“I am trying to figure out if I should be worried about it and prepare for it or not. It could be nothing, and if I get all worked up about it, I will feel like a moron when it blows over. But if it is something to be concerned about, I want to be ready and able to do my best to keep us from getting it.”
Bill smiled and scooted over so Ellie could sit beside where he lay on the bed. He stroked her back and chuckled as he thought about his response, “I think I would rather be over prepared than under.”

It had been the day before that Ellie had first heard of the undead virus. The first case had been in Harlan, Iowa. A pig had died, but when the employees came to discard the carcass, they had found the pig kicking and snarling in its attempts to get out of its pin. One of them had been bitten as they tried to soothe the pig (which they believed to be alive and had put back with the other swine). Not only did this pig proceed to bite others, but the man also caught the virus and it began to spread around the country. Its victims had no pulse, and were impervious to bodily injury. It was as if a cross between rabies, a flesh-eating disease, and leprosy had been developed. Those infected developed an insatiable hunger to feed, bite, and ravage their surroundings. Spread through the saliva of the wounds, its victims suffered from pains, seizures, headaches, fevers, and insatiable hunger before the disease hit full force. Those who were infected were observed, and it appeared that they lost all rational thought as well as all sensation in their bodies. A man from Chicago had been observed to slash himself open on a window he had broken, yet walked on as if nothing had happened and was able to infect his coworkers. The number of cases diagnosed had risen to almost 10,000. And people began to fear the virus, naming it the “zombie apocalypse”.
When Ellie had seen the news special, she literally shuddered. With list in hand, she proceeded to board all the windows twice over, locked all the doors with multiple locks she had gone out to purchase, and had bought enough first-aid and cleaning supplies to last years. Phil has chuckled at her home improvements, but had complied when she requested that he bring home emergency supplies like crank radios, walkie talkies, freeze dried food and crank powered lights. Ellie had always been a worrier, and she had often prepared her home for natural disasters.

Phil continued to rub Ellie's back, kissing her shoulder as he sat up. “honestly, I think we should be worried. We have always joked about zombies, but these are the real deal. With 10,000 recorded cases, a lot of them in our area, it would be stupid to just ignore it.” Ellie smiled and kissed him softly.
“If that's how you feel, I think we need to re-supply our gun collection.” Phil laughed heartily and nodded.

Ellie sighed and was able to relax for the first time. She looked at the supplies she had organized in bins in front of her. She and Phil had also purchased a pick up truck so that they could leave the state. Businesses in towns were already shutting down, including both the school Ellie had taught at, and the university where Phil worked. One bin was full of food, another of medical supplies, yet another was filled with weapons like the machete she had received as a gift and a baseball bat Phil had swiped from his nephew. They also had loaded a military locker with guns and ammo into the bed of the pickup. Along with hygienic supplies, and sleeping bags, the truck also had a capped bed, a full tank of gas, and two full emergency tanks in the back.
Ellie almost chuckled to herself, she and Phil had played video games featuring zombies quite a bit when they had first started seeing each other, and they knew that survival favored the prepared. They were heading to the mountains, to a sturdy cabin they had purchased to vacation in. They were all prepared.

Ellie shook out her warm leather jacket as she laid out two outfits to take with them. She slid on a pair of sturdy jeans, which fit her tightly enough to avoid being grabbed onto. She was debating on shoes, the news had recently reported that some creatures had escaped the montioring facility. She had already seen one take off after her neighbor's dog, and they could sprint very well. None of her shoes seemed sturdy and reasonable. She then glanced at the pair of converse sitting in the corner. They were about calf height, and were from her high school years. At the time she had drawn on them with permanent markers, but her job had deemed them inappropriate, so they had sat in the corner ever since. They were sturdy, and lightweight, it would not be hard to patch them if something happened. Making a decision she grabbed them and pulled them on, along with a couple shirts and a hoodie under her jacket. She pushed back her short hair, wishing it was long enough to pull back.

Phil shook violently as he took in the sight in his rear view mirror as he came back to town. People wandered in the streets, ignoring the traffic. It was almost exactly like the movies. Except these creatures did not moan. They stared mindlessly in front of them, bloody wounds and broken bones, at the sight of the moving car, several had taken to pursueing the vehicle. Phil floored the engine and the truck roared forward, hitting several creatures in his attempt to get away from the populated town.

As he drove on, Phil took in the sight before him, a woman ran across the football field, pursued by a dozen or so creatures. Their decaying emaciated bodies revealed several disgusting wounds. A few were missing limbs, some had almost no head, one in particular was missing an eye and an arm. He ran to aid her, as the creatures were closing in quickly. Pulling the hand gun from the seat he aimed and took three down, the woman turned to grab the purse she had dropped...her fatal mistake. Phil winced as he saw the creatures pin her down and began to tear at her. He had to turn away when he heard the woman scream as one creature tore into her stomach and pulled out her intestines. He turned again and aimed once....at the woman's head. It was his first mercy killing, and he could almost hear the woman's voice thanking him as he got into his truck, and drove home. But it did nothing to relieve the guilt in his heart.
Returnnig home, Phil honked the horn, to tell Ellie they were leaving, but it was unnecessary, as soon as he pulled into the garage, Ellie was in the passenger seat. They locked the truck and pulled out, ready to take on the worst.
Ellie was unprepared for the spectacle that met her eyes. Bodies were strewn everywhere, it seems the media had misinformed them when they said “a few” had escaped. The creatures stood in the streets, lumbering slowly, some holding their heads as if they were in pain. One women in particular, appeared to be running from the creatures, when suddenly, she knelt and held her head, crying in agony. She slowly rose and her gait took on a similar note to those of the infected. Ellie could not help the tears that had started to roll down her cheeks. She only wished to know why these people had to suffer, why the infection had even germinated. As they drove, she saw the body of a child, laying against the curb, obvious bite marks and gouges of flesh were torn into his body. His pale blue eyes still held the fear, nearby a little girl was being pursued.
Without thinking Ellie took off her belt and bolted from the car, machete in hand. She quickly sprinted the distance and scooped the child into her arms. She turned and slashed at the two creatures behind her, one she noticed, had only one yellow eye and one arm, that is, until she dismembered the remaining limb. The other she stabbed through the chest, leaving the machete and running back to the truck that was still in motion as Phil had tried to keep up with her without attracting more attention. The girl whimpered in her arms, as Ellie climbed into the seat, locked the door, “FLOOR IT!!” she screamed as more infected took notice of the escape vehicle. Phil hit the gas and ran over several zombies, but Ellie could not relax until they left the city limits, headed to the country side, to where there was not a creature in sight. Ellie slumped and looked at the child who had climbed into the makeshift backseat. She was trembling. Her long blonde hair was dirty and bloody. It looked as if a creature had tried to grab her hair. Ellie said a silent prayer of thanks for cutting hers short, it would be harder to get caught if you had less to grab onto.
The girl looked about ten, but was very petite for her size. She was thin, and looked haunted, as if something horrible had occurred before her eyes, for they no longer held the innocence of a child so young. She caught Ellie’s gaze and looked down.
“Th-thank you...for.....for saving me” she whispered, “i thought I was going to die....” Ellie only nodded as the child shivered violently.

Later they pulled up to a sturdy log cabin at the top of the hill, their honey moon sweet, Phil recalled. It was the safest place he knew. He opened Ellie's door as she carried the unconcious child into the house, Phil walking behind her watching her back. After carefully Locking all the doors and blocking all the windows they quickly unloaded the car and prepared themselves for the long isolation ahead of them.
“Never thought it would come to this” Ellie mumbled, as she stared off into space in front of her. In the distance you could see smoke and fires on the horizon, as terrified families who refused to leave began to burn fires around the perimeter of their homes. Unfortunately, as Phil had heard from his mother, their house had been lost to a runaway fire their neighbor had started. His mother had driven by before she and Phil's father left, to make sure they had gotten away safely. The fires did nothing to deter the zombies, it just aided in their demise after they found you. Decapitation was the only way to kill them, and only because they no longer had a body to chase you.
“I know what you mean love....” Phil stood on the top of the hill, his gaze going to the smoke that billowed from the valley below....He was trying to figure out if it was a signal for rescue, or the remains of an infection. Phil wrapped his arms around Ellie, as they struggled to comprehend the end of mankind. As far as they knew, only a handful had managed to get away before the airports were closed, including their family. But who knows if zombies had infected passengers before they had boarded the plane.... This truly was a zombie apocalypse.
“ I am going to go check on the girl, see if she has a bite or anything.” Ellie said quietly before entering the cabin. The girl was sleeping soundly, undisturbed, Ellie was about to lift the blanket to check for wounds when she suddenly let out a cry of agony that arched her back. Her arms thrown behind her, the girl's call was unearthly, it was shrill, it was inhuman. It was only then that Ellie noticed a bite mark on her stomach, above her hip. The girl had obviously made attempts to bandage it, but it was no use, there was no cure for the infection. The girl seized up and began to thrash about....she vomited and tossed about as she fell to the floor, pulling her own hair in her misery. Ellie grabbed the gun, trying to force herself to pull the trigger, before it was too late, but she could not bring herself to aim at those blue eyes that spoke of fear, and pain.
The girl suddenly lay still. She was dead.....Ellie only hoped she was one of the fortunate few that died of complications of the infection, before the final phase had matured in her bloodstream. She slowly approached the girl, for she had backed up a good twenty feet. But as she did, the girl sat up and curled in a little ball, rocking herself and sobbing. As Ellie approached closer she growled, “GET AWAY FROM ME!!!” then she hissed. Ellie backed away, jumping and gasping as she bumped into Phil, who had his gaze intently fixed on the corpse before him
“we have to shoot her...” he whispered, raising the shot gun in his hands and slowly approaching the girl
“NO! We can't she's just a child! We saved her, I don't want to be the reason she dies!” Ellie whispered frantically, noticing the girl was getting more and more agitated with their conversation.
Phil only shook his head, “we won't be, she was infected before we saved her, I an surprised she lasted this long...” And with that final statement, he aimed, pulled the trigger, and blew her brains out.
With a final screech, the girl stood, writhing in pain, and then died.....her spirit finally able to rest.
Ellie dropped to her knees and sobbed.

The next day Phil had put on thick work gloves to dispose of the corpse, and attempted to clean the blood and brain matter from the wall. It was no use. The cabin was contaminated. He had no clue whether he and Ellie were immune, and he refused to take a chance. All it would take is a tiny sliver to allow the virus into the bloodstream. He only hoped no one would seek shelter here. A sudden thought came to him.
“Ellie, Go get the jug of kerosene out of the shed in back.” Ellie, though puzzled, complied as Phil dragged the corpse back inside after they had empitied the place of their belongings. He stared at the lifeless form of the girl. “I'm sorry I couldn't save you, but I will give you more than most.” With that said he silently poured the kerosene over her body, struck a match, and lit her ablaze. Quickly he dashed out of the cabin, as the flames swallowed the body, the door, and the rest of the cabin. He stood by Ellie, who watched as the flames grew. Tears rolled silently down her cheeks as she whispered words only she could hear. With a nod, they both climbed into the truck, and drove away as the flames burned on.
The drive was long, and discouraging, no matter how far they drove, there was always an abandoned car or two. Several times they stopped by a car that was a flurry of activity, to see if any survivors were near. But everytime they found creatures feeding on the corpse. One creature haunted ellie as they drove by him. It was the same creature that had infected the girl, a creature with one yellow eye, and no arms.
They drove on and on, stopping only for gas. Gas was hard to find, many stations were empty. Everytime they drove by an empty gas station, Ellie said a silent prayer of gratitude for the emergency tanks in the back. Though they would have preferred not to use them, it became of lifeline that could eventually mean the difference between life and death.
“I don't know about you, woman, but I need to stop and stretch.” Phil said as they reached an abandoned gas station. Ellie looked around nervously, but it had been quite awhile since they had seen any zombies. “all right, want me to drive next?” she asked
“Nah, go inside, see if you can find any food. I don't want to cut into our emergency stash yet. Take your gun, I don't want to lose you babe.” Ellie nodded as she took a machete (a lucky find back in town to replace her display version) and a shotgun.
She cautiously kicked open the door to the convienince store, which beeped a familiar greeting. Ellie brethed slowly, waiting to hear footsteps. But all was silent, Ellie relaxed, but stayed poised as she grabbed a large bag from the counter, and began filling it with the snack foods on the counters. Some of the food had begun to spoil, she wrinkled her nose in disgust as she traveled down the aisles. She was about to grab some bottled water when she heard a shaky rasping breath. Ellie screamed as she turned around towards the exit.
Phil heard the scream, the all too familiar scream, and ran inside: quickly locking the car doors. With a katana in hand, he kicked open the door and yelled in horror at the sight. Ellie had been knocked down by a creature and it was now attempting to tear through her stomacvh. Ellie screamed as she struggled from the weight of the creature, which had called for others to come swarming. Several had already joined him. Including one with no arms. Phil sliced his way through body after body, afraid he would be too late by the time he got to the center of the swarm. Finally he spotted Ellie's hand, grabbing it to give her reassurance, she squeezed to signal her well-being, being covered in bodies, it was futile to waste her breath and expose her throat. Ohil panicked when he felt her grip give way as he tried to pull her out from under the horde.
Suddenly, the One-eyed creature tilted his head back and howled, facing in the opposite direction. The zombies froze, looked to him, and they all ran away. Ellie was left in a pool of partly congealed blood that had dripped on her, she was covered in fluids, and she lay unmoving. Phil felt a chill go through his spine. He ran the remaining twenty feet to her ( he had been knocked back by the exiting horde), kneeled and pulled her head into his lap. Restraining his urge to panic, he checked for a pulse and breathing. She was alive. Carrying her and the food still clutched in her other hand, he took her to the car, laid her down and went to the other side, locking them in. Peeling off her hevay jacket, which was contaminated, he found she had no open wounds, not a scratch, not a mark, only bruises. Her heavy layering had protected her from a zombies tendency to claw and bite. Her heavy jacket showed evidence of the brutal attack she had experienced. It was shredded, even if it was not contaminated, it was not salvageable. The tough leather was no match for so many claws and teeth.
Reaching for a wet wipe, Phil carefully wiped her face, so the blood would not get into her bloodstream anymore than it had already. With the cool wet cloth wiping her face, Ellie inhaled sharply and began to come to. Phil sighed with relief as he pulled her close, afraid that he had lost her. Ellie coughed and coughed, breathing heavily. Her body was limp, the heavy beating had broken her resistance, she could not tense her body if she wanted to.
“I'm sorry....” she whispered hoarsely. Phil glared out the window, as he held her, finally seeing the reason the zombies had left. The one-eyed creature had called the other zombies to a school bus. It appeared that the driver and some of the children had been infected,, and had begun to attack the other occupants. There must have been three buses, all full of creatures. Phil imagined he could hear the screams. “That creature knew, he knew they were an easier target, a better target. How would he know they were already weak and under seige?” he wondered allowed.
Ellie chuckled sarcastically, “ maybe he can sense body heat, those zombies are cold. I thought I was going to freeze. With that one eye, he seems to be following us, watching us.” little did she know how close she was to the truth.

The Spectator, as he was called by some who had already witnessed his skill, was able to see heat levels. It was almost as if he was looking through a heat sensor. With this ability, he could see through walls, and also sense how many humans were in one area, and other zombies. With no arms, he was not efficient at killing prey alone, as others might be, but his uncanny tracking skill had earned him the role of alpha-male among the other creatures, who had turned to their animal instinct as zombies. He called, they followed, when they made the kill, he was first to feed. Which would explain why Ellie had survived, when others had not. She was not as appealing as buses full of young already incapacitated children, and would not feed nearly as many of his horde.

Phil looked at the woman laying beside him, at what they had been reduced to. They had finally made it to their destination, a sturdy bomb shelter they had bought to ease Ellie's fear of atomic warfare. The whole room was cold, except for under the thick wool blankets they laid under. He looked at Ellie, his hard eyes softening as he took in her beauty.
Ellie had short auburn hair that framed her face as she slept, the silken strands were heavenly to stroke. Her high cheekbones and well defined jaw were tempting him to kiss them, but Ellie had not slept in days, he would not wake her. Full rosy lips pouted as she slept, slightly parted. Though her eyes were closed, Phil throbbed as he remembered the way her green eyes could pierce him completely to his innermost being. Laying on her side, the curves she claimed did not exist were even more pronounced than usual, and a peek of her cleavage stuck out from under the tank top she had worn to bed. Her collar bone framed them nicely. Phil turned and laid down beside her, wrapping his arms comfortably around her. God help whoever tried to take her away from him.
Phil woke silently, slinking out of the warm bed. He looked aorund the abandoned shelter they were in. It wasn't much. There was no heat besides the tiny space heater in the corner. Phil continued to gaze around, wishing they had prepared the shelter more. There was a large wash basin, about the size of a small bathtub, in the corner. The shelter had no running water, and little electricity. With no steady source of heat, and little food, it would only be a matter of time before they would need to venture outside again.
Phil sighed heavily, his brow furrowed with worry as he sat on a wooden crate and tried to think about what they could do. As far as water went, there was a small stream about a mile and a half from the shelter. He wasn't sure how clean it was, but he figured that boiling it would sanitize it. Electricity, they would just have to conserve the power from the car battery, and the battery in the truck. He hated to think about using the power source from their escape vehicle, but if worse came to worse... Food... that was a hard one. The fact that the diesease had spawned from pigs worried him, if there were zombies in the woods, they would contaminate other mammals too. Fish? Maybe.... he hated to think of how malnourished they could be living only on fish. Phil's thoughts raced as he tried to come up with a solution... their ammo would not last forever, which meant that they would need to use their hand weapons, which did not provide the safety of distance from the enemy. He rubbed his temples as he breathed slowly, forcing himself to relax as a small sigh pulled him from his thoughts. He looked up to see Ellie stretching. He loved to watch her stretch, it reminded him of a sleek cat. He smiled and walked over to the small bed where she still rested.
“Good morning beautiful,” Phil smiled as he spoke softly, “how did you sleep love?” He stroked her cheek softly and she held his hand against her cheek, kissing his palm.
“I slept....well?” she said giggled, “considering the long drive and the beating I took.” She sat up and looked at her arms, which were covered in heavy bruises, there was a bump on her head that worried her, but Phil had kept a silent vigil all night when they finally got to the shelter, so she wasn't as worried. She stretched her arms up as she sat up, feeling more than a little sore and tired.
“Have you looked outside yet? It was too dark to tell if there were any zombies nearby when we drove up..” she asked hesitantly, catching the hint of worry that flashed briefly in Phil's eyes as he looked at her.
“Not yet, I just woke up about fifteen minutes ago. You hungry?” Phil stood and went to the tub where they had stashed all the food they had been collecting from groceries and convience stores on the way there. They had collected a lot of food, but it wouldn;t last forever..... he thought. Phil fumbled as he tried to think of how to phrase his concerns.
“Not really, I'm so sick of junk food...” she moaned
“It's what we have right now, we don't have a stove just a little hot plate.” Phil said quietly. Ellie got out of bed and went behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist and leaning her forehead on his back. “well maybe we better find a stove” she teased. She kissed the back of his neck and scurried to his side to dig through the large pile of chips and assorted snack cakes, nuts, candy bars, even some small individual bowls of oatmeal.
As she dug through, she began to sort and organize the food into sections, humming softly. Ellie was unconciously taking a measure of control. Due to the chaos around her, the normally unorganized scatter-brain was becoming more focused, more alert, and more organized as an unconcious survival instinct.
Selecting a bag of peanuts, Ellie tore them open and skipped to the bed, leaping onto it and landing on her side. She caught Phil's eye and patted the place beside her, inviting him to join. Phil smiled and complied, sitting beside her and stroking her knee as they ate. Despite the chaos outside, Ellie was happy where she was. Phil leaned over and kissed her softly, tucking a stray tendril of hair from her face, Ellie responded warmly, cupping his face in her hands to hold him there as he kissed her. He began to kiss her more hungrily, pushing her back against the wall beside the bed, Ellie wrapped her arms around his neck and parted her lips to invite a deeper kiss.
Phil pulled back a minute, out of breath. He looked at the woman in his arms and smiled, “I'm gonna make this last” he thought. He slowly removed ellie's arms from around his neck, kissing her shoulders and neck as he did so. He laid her down and kissed her collar bone, and was rewarded with a shivery moan. Ellie smiled to herself as she let him take over, after all, they had until the end of the world to play.

Ellie woke to find her head hanging off the bed, both she and Phil were sprawled over the tiny bed. She chuckled as she remembered earlier that morning, realizing that they were used to playing on the queen size in the house, not the tiny twin military bunk here. She sat up slowly, allowing her head to quit spinning before she carefully kissed Phil on the cheek, then went to retrieve her clothes. After getting dressed and emptying her bladder, it occurred to her that though they had a toilet, they had no running water. Their luxurious porcelain pot did no more than a common outhouse, it emptied into a large tank underneath the property, and if it was not emptied every two months or so, it would eventually leak and cause a stench. Not to mention cause a biological hazard, and attract zombies. She shuddered at the thought of the nasty chore ahead, but if they intended to stay it was something that needed to be done, how they would pump the tank with little technology was something that puzzled her.
She came into the living space to find Phil still out cold, she chuckled, realizing how hard it must have been for him to relax enough to get into the mood, and how much the tension had taken out of him. She let him sleep, deciding to go outside for a bit and check out the surroundings. Grabbing a pistol, and her trusty machete, she also grabbed a spare clip and stuck it on her belt. Cautiously, she opened the door an inch, before slipping out, her back to the room she was leaving.
She glanced at the miniature meadow before her, despite the beautiful foilage she was jumpy. She saw no creatures, but she had not seen any when she was in the gas station. She decided to climb a hill, where she could get a better look at smoke in the distance. The far distance, they were far away from any civilization. A thought struck her as reached the top, though her phone had a charge now, what would she do when it died? It was her only hope of contacting a potential rescue team. True they had the radio, which would supply them with any news of the outbreak, they also had walkie talkies, so she and Phil could still contact each other, but what about her family, his family? What if they ran into other survivors, surely they were not the only ones who had sought refuge? The thought saddened her, and she ran back to the shelter, determined to fix the problem somehow, someway.
As she was bolting the heavy door, Ellie jumped when she felt arms slip around her waist, “Don't jump my lovely, it's just me.” Phil's voice comforted her, she giggled at her tension. She leaned back against him, loving the closeness he provided. It was reassuring, knowing that no matter what happened, at least they had each other.
“ I checked out the surrounding area, I don't see any trace of the infection, but then again that does not mean they aren't there.” she mumbled. Phil nodded as he rested his head on her shoulder, “Glad you did that, means that we can start thinking about some of the impending problems of living here. We have no water”
“we have bottled water, a lot of it, we also have a lot of food. We never said we would stay here, we talked about staying on the move to lessen the risk of getting infected ourselves” Ellie responded, if it was up to her, they would leave the country. The news had talked about possible precautions when the outbreak became a serious problem, which included an extensive physical examination of the survivors, and eveacuating them, basically quarantining amaerica until the virus died out.
“ With limited gas, I doubt we would last very long, regardless of the infection. Our food is limited, and everything has an expiration daate. We can;t pillage forever either. I don't trust the military any farther than I can throw one of the soilders. We both know the privileged are getting out regardless of their infection status. Sadly, even in the apocalypse, money seems to be a winning factor.” Phil replied.
Ellie thought for a minute, he did have a point. “should we look for more survivors?”
Phil shook his head, much to Ellie's dismay. “I don't want to risk losing you to another little girl incident. She was gone before we could even get a good look at her to see if she was infected, and I won't go against the logic that the others may be as prone to the diesease. I won't lose you in my attempt to help others. Unless we can find others who have holed up and avoided the infection as much as you and I have, I will not extend our hospitality. As heartless as that sounds, you mean more to me then the remainder of humanity. Worse comes to worse, I'll be adam and you'll be eve.” Ellie chuckled a bit at his comment, though his answer disheartened her. Though it had only been a week since they had decided to take action against the infection, she was already lonely. Ellie felt as though she were the last woman on earth.
Phil noticed Ellie's eyes darken as he said this, and felt horrible. But after waiting so long to win her heart, to find love, he would not risk losing it if he could help it. Phil had been a loner most of his life, he believed that those who were worth his time would seek him out. So his circle of friends was close knit, and very small. Meeting Ellie had been almost a fluke of nature. Being a loner, he didn't really see any girls prior to Ellie. His mother had invited her lifelong friend, and her children to the house for dinner. Phil didn't want to stick around, when his mother mentioned children, he imagined little tots with runny noses and messy diapers. But after his mother had bribed him with his favorite meal he complied. He never regretted that decision. When he first laid eyes on Ellie, it was love at first sight. That night they spent most of their time talking about nothing too important, their chemistry was intense. Secretly, Phil's mother was relieved. Though she knew in her heart that he would have found love sooner or later, Phil was just picky.
Ellie had a similar reaction. Visiting with people she did not know well was not appealing to her at the moment, though Ellie was very social, she liked to have the choice of who she socialized with. But Phil gave her butterflies, something she had only experienced once during an episode of stage fright. After that visit, Phil and Ellie kept in contact, despite the distance, and Ellie eventually moved to be closer to him. Their love was precious, and she could find no fault in his reasoning, though her gut told her survival was selfish.
Phil took Ellie into his arms and carried her to the bed, she was stressed and needed to relax. He began massaging her back, he could feel the knots caused from the bruises, and her muscles were tight from the beating about a week ago. Ellie moaned softly when he got to a tender spot, gently circling it with his palm to work out the kink. Phil sighed contentedly, knowing how much these back rubs helped, knowing often it was the only thing that kept her from getting hysterical. Ellie turned to face him, holding his hands so he could not rub her back or hold her in place.
“ I can't do this....” she said tearfully, “ it's not fair for me to be safe and loved and protected when little kids have to die to save me..” she put her head in her hands and cried. Phil pulled her close, knowing only one way to comfort her, he started stroking her hair. Slowly he ran his fingers through the silken tendrils, over and over.
Ellie calmed, she quit crying and besides a sniff every now and then, she was fine. She lifted her head from his shoulder and kissed him. It was a long passionate kiss, this was one of the rare times that Ellie let her guard down. She trusted him completely, and knew that whatever his decision, she was with him.

Ellie stowed the tubs on the makeshift shelves, as much as she hated to admit it, Phil was right. After only a week in the shelter, there supplies were nearly run down. The water was not an issue, they had alternated turns carrying and protecting each other while they carried water from the stream to the basin inside. The only issue was treating it, with their tiny hot plate they could only heat about a gallon at a time. And it took hours before it was boiling well enough to allow it to cool and pour it into their jugs. They had taken to taking sponge baths, it conserved their water and they didnt have to heat it, though, Ellie mused, it was not nearly as wonderful as ahot bubble bath.

Sometimes i feel old

2011-02-10T13:27:00.000-08:00

My birthday is in about a month, and i feel pretty old today. I will be turning 20 soon.... and yeah i know. I am still very young. But in a sense i think i am allowed to feel old. I have experienced more in my twenty years than most people ever experience.

I wonder if the way a person is born is any reflection on how they will live there life. My dad told me i was born breech, after they had tried to turn me twice. We joke about how that reflects my stubbornness to take on life in a different and not always beneficial way.

I am a strong person, not to toot my horn, but i am. But i did not have that strength naturally; if i did, i did not know how to channel it. Life has given me alot of experience, some fun, some not so fun. But all i can reflect on. I have no regrets. Without these mistakes, trials, choices, and experiences i would not be the person i am today. These experiences helped shape me into who i am now.
No i am not perfect, but i think i am a decent person.

I'm a little less naiive now, alot more observant. My curiosity is about the same. I still have my fiery red-headed temper as one of my friends coined it. But i have a lot more self control. My hunger for attention is sated with my job, where i tutor one on one with students, giving them attention. Kinda funny how that worked out.

My outgoing side is a bit more subdued, I don't reach out to someone unless i can get a good idea of their intentions. My confidence is bipolar. I have good days, where i feel i can accomplish anything, and bad days, where i wonder what the point to all this is. My intelligence is ever growing, as i am still in school... the IQ test i took four years ago that put me at 160 is still accurate.

My wisdom....i often wonder about. They say life experiences make you wiser, and it's often a good idea to rely on the wisdom of our elders for guidance. I don't believe i am wise. I don't think i am at all. But my list of life experiences could easily say differently. Most girls my age don't know how to juggle making a bowl of frosted flakes for the three year old you are also holding with a bloody nose.
What this has to do with my life-plan i have no clue.

Somedays i feel ancient, like i have lived far beyond my years. other days, i feel incredibly young and in-experienced. Normally, i feel just right. I enjoy where i am at in young adult hood, I don't plan to rush growing up

It may seem stupid....

2011-01-27T12:24:00.000-08:00

it's been nearly a year since i was attacked...and it's hard for me sometimes to fully realize that it has been only a year. I feel so ancient looking back, realizing how much i have changed in the last couple years. I don;t know if all the changes are good, but i know not all of them are bad....

I have some people to thank for this though. there were alot of times when i was ready to give up and end it all, I didn't see a point to existing when i felt like unrecyclable trash. But a handful of people have helped me immensely....Several friends always happened to text me right when i needed to hear a word of encouragement, or just something to distract me. Crystal, Gisel, i have you to thank for this, i wish we could see each other more, i do feel like you two are my sisters. I miss you so much everyday, you two are always in my thoughts.

Some people were considerate of my issues, and helped me through flashbacks and nightmares, they didn't force me out of my comfort zone, even when i know it was hard to understand. There are too many to name individually, but it's good to know that i am respected. Even when my problems don;t make sense

Two very special people have held my hand through it all, and even dragged me to get help when i was too far gone. Mom, Dad, this is for you. You two drove six hours out of your way to spend one night to tell me you would love me, no matter what i did or who i was going to be. That meant the world to me, it still does. I appreciate that you don;t force hugs on me, or tell me i am stupid when i have nightmares or irrational fears. I appreciate the support i have at home, that i know many more people deserve more then me. You have taken me to doctors, therapists, stayed up with me to talk about nothing important, listened as i cried for things that happened in the past. I only wish yyou could see how much you guys have become a lifeline. With your support, I am getting better and i know i can stand on my own now. I know i don;t always show my appreciation in the best way, i know i can be difficult and you guys get pretty sick of me sometimes. But i am glad you didn;t give up on me, when i had given up on myself.

this last year has been hard for me, but the last few months have been great, I am definitely getting back up on my feet. I just keep reminding myself that instead of asking, "why me?" i remember that if it had not been me, it could have been someone else, and that i would not be who i am today if it had not happened. I love who i am, even with my flaws and my faults. That's more then i was able to do even in high school. I have self respect, and a new found understanding of myself.

There is one more person i want to add to this list, someone who may have been recently added as of last summer, but still has had a wonderful influence on my life. Bill, thank you for respecting my boundaries, and for not giving up on me when i was afraid to let you see my faults and my past. Thank you for being there when i would wake up in the middle of the night crying and just needed someone to talk to, and for reminding me everyday that i am beautiful and that i mean the world to you. :)

Without these people, i would not be where i am today, To be blunt, i probably would not even be here today. Because of these people i sought treatment and care. I pressed charges and recieved closure, because of these people i didn't give up on myself.

Wow, thanks for that giant hole in my heart

2010-12-13T17:29:00.000-08:00

Disappointed, but Motivated at the same time

2010-11-08T13:01:00.000-08:00

Ugh....stupid math class. Due to circumstances that don't agree, i am now borderline failing my classs. I have not been allowed to makeup work, and have been told that i must ace the next two quizzes to pass. So i start studying my butt off. Only one problem, i'm going to miss one of these two quizzes for the road trip to get ready for my sister's wedding. And he has already said i can't make it up. So i'm stuck. I don't know what to do, but i don't want to give up. The idea of an incomplete has come aroud, but idk if i am eligible, i can't drop the course, it will put me under hours, and if i am missing a quiz, i'm doomed to fail. What to do?

I probably wouldn't be in this situation if i had gotten work back sooner and had nkown i wasn't doing my work correctly. The class functions as almost a "teach yourself" class, so i thought i understood the matierial, and didn't know that i was doing badly until about last week. I'm really kicking myself for not doing something about this sooner, but i chose not to make waves, which is going to suck now to reap the consequences. I refuse to be beaten, i'm going to resolve this, or die trying

Who is it for?

2010-10-15T19:52:00.000-07:00

Eleanor rigby
picks up the rice
at a church
where a wedding has been
its in a dream

waits at the window
wearing a face
that she keeps ina jar
by the door
who is it for?

all the lonely people
where do they all come from
all the lonely people
where do they all belong

today i was listening to one of my favorite songs of all time, Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles. This last week and a half have been quite cruel, and i have been trying to put on a face to make it seem like it wasn't that bad. I didn't want people to worry, it could always be worse...but every time i said that it did get worse.

i didn't realize how bad it was. A couple of friends noticed i wasn't doing so well, even before i told them about it. but even with the support of my friends, i still feel utterly abandoned, so very alone. i feel isolated.
i guess i finally understand what that song means.

im gonna miss you grandpa.

2010-10-13T17:49:00.000-07:00

ok...this has been an interesting week. but nothing i havent seen before, that is until now. This last tuesday my great grandpa passed away. Honestly i always considered him more of a grandfather, because i never knew the grandfather on my dad's side. This hurts more then i anticipated, i didn't get to see him very often. But when i think about him, i can't help but smile.

he was so cool, even when i was little, i remember sitting on his lap and him stroking my hair, even when mom was mad at me, saying i inherited his stubborn streak. i remember him and my dad looking alot alike. i remember getting checks from him evey christmas. and, more recently, talking to him seriously about my plans for my future.

One thing that really brings the tears to my eyes is something he said a couple years ago. He told me never to settle, that he could see i would go really far in life, if i didnt let it bog me down. I almost cried then. He told me i turned into a beautiful young woman, and reminded me of distant memories of christmases past. i remeber hugging him, and praying i would get to see him again.

Im going to miss him so much. He was such a lively man, even in his later years. He had a great sense of humor, and though i didnt get to talk much with him, always knew what to say to make me smile.

I think my favorite memory of my grandfather is when i was probably about...six? we were having christmas at his house, and i was throwing a tantrum. My mother had gotten after me for something, and i was upset. He took me on his lap, and tucked my unruly mane behind my ear, looked me in the eye and said, "you deserved it" i cant help but laugh thinking back. but i remeber the twinkle in his eyes, the way he rubbed my back even though i was in trouble.

i just wish i had been able to see more of him, to get to know him better. I'm so angry with the world right now. it seems everything i care about is being pulled away, just as i get to my feet.

If you can hear me, I love you Grandpa....im sorry i cant say it to you in person

LGBT awareness

2010-10-09T19:32:00.000-07:00

today i decided to support a cause, wearing a purple shirt oct 20th in memory of six homosexual boys who committed suicide due to the overwhelming harassment they received based on their homosexuality.

No i am not personally homosexual, nor do i personally think its right. But if i condemn these people based on their personal choice, i am forcing them just as the bullies do. I believe we should hate the sin, not the sinner. I may not agree with their choice, but i don't hate these people for that choice.

bullying in of itself is wrong. It's a form of intimidation and force, and harassment. it doesn't matter who it involves, bullying is wrong, period the end

Because im a little lonely

2010-10-07T18:37:00.000-07:00

lately i have felt a little out of synch
not quite in tune or out
with other people

maybe it's just me, but i feel almost as though people are avoiding me
or maybe it my apprehension with everything that has happened this week

What is a heart?

2010-10-04T13:36:00.000-07:00

What is a hearT?
is it the passion you feel deep inside as you pursue the career of your dreams?
is it courage that rises up when you need it most?
is it that warm fuzzy feeling when you are around your significant other?
is it that falling feeling, when everything begins to fall apart?

A heart is what seperates us as human beings. And a more proper definition, is a soul. all animals have hearts, and some animals seem to have souls. Our emotions, our free will, and our reactions to others decisions all reflect what happens to our souls.

But with this gift we have, this amazing rarity, comes great cost.
because we have emtions, and can make decisions based on those emotions, we can cause and recieve great pain. Think about it, how did you feel when your best friend didnt come through when you needed it most? or were you the friend that didnt come through? Both thoughts arouse painful and unpeasant sensations, but you feel them in your heart.

But, we also experience much more happiness. An animal is programmed to sleep, eat, and survive. they dont understand the joys of a well made choice, or the pay off of long term dedication. Nor can they make a choice based on the pay off they can recieve in the end. If its unpleasant, an animal will nto suffer through it.

As humans, we can experience joy, and pride
happiness, love, and yes, pain

Think of a time when you were so happy you could burst, a time when you were literally jumping for joy.
now imagine that you have no feelings, your mission in life is to eat
to sleep
to reproduce
to survive
your whole being is wired around that mentality. compared to what we have as humans, that life seems very bleak. i would rather be able to feel pain, then to have no feelings at all.

How relevant is religion?

2010-10-04T13:29:00.000-07:00

In today's society, we often find ourselves asking what we believe, what denomination, and what church. As a christian, i find myself questioing the validity of such questions.
Religion, to me, is almost just another way to segregate ourselves even more. I have seen couples ready to marry until one found that the other was of a certain denomination, then they called four years of a relationship off.
Why? Catholic, Protestant, LDS, Non-denominational, Baptist, Assembly of God whatever.

We all believe in the same God, why do we inflict these boundaries on ourselves? Granted i understand that these are based on differetn interpretations on what God expects from us, but there are so many little things i dont understand. And maybe that's my fault, maybe if i studied these denominations more in depth, i could understand the nuancies that make each right or wrong.

But why hate each other for it? why discriminate and disassociate ourselves from those based purely on their denomination? even if you believe what they belieive is wrong, you are not showing Godly kindness by telling a person their beliefes are completely wrong and thats why you cant associate with them.

I guess what im trying to say is that we shouldnt try to seperate ourselves any further. Let us love on another, as God loves us.

broken record

2010-09-29T13:25:00.000-07:00

so...school i in full swing, and i feel more productive then i have in a long time...at the same time, i dont feel alive.
i follow the sama monotonous pattern day in and day out, week after week. i don't have much to look forward to, and its depressing. i feel almost like a broken record, stuck in a groove on the vinyl, playing the same line over adn over and over.

i know it will get better. at least, im 99% sure. or maybe..67% i dont know. I feel almost like this is all a meaningless tedious step in the master product, like gridding a canvas or laying a foundation. I have to get through this to move on, but good night nurse it is sooooo boring.

at this point i feel fairly useless. I have my own schedule, and it often differs from my family, so i really dont get to see much of anyone. i went from a social butterfly, to a lone wolf who occassionally gets back with the pack.

and as much as i hate to admit it, i miss having a relationship in a way. i dont miss the particular person my last one was with, i dont miss the drama that normally goes with them, but i miss knowing someone so well, that they could complete your thought, that they would go out of their way to visit you, to make sure you were doing all right. to feel comforted merely by the fact that they were there.
At the same time the idea of commitment on such a level frightens me. i would have to let someone get to know me that well to know them on such a level. I would have to be willing to lower my walls and let someone inside. Im not ready for that step yet.
i dont want to be..i dont think. the thing about building walls, is you tend to get pretty lonely inside.

Im almost there.

2010-09-20T13:07:00.000-07:00

Seven months ago tomorrow marks one of the most significant yet insignificant events
in my life. It was one of the most life altering things i have ever experienced.

February 21st 2010, i was attacked. I cant quite say exactly how it affected me, but after the fact i become a timid angry pleaser. i compromised alot of my views to hold on to those i loved, yet would not accept the love they offered. I lost my temper about tiny things, but would tolerate the most hurtful angry words imaginable. I was afraid.

I didnt understand that i needed help, that i needed to get it out of my system and to quit blaming myself for it. It wasnt until i looked in the mirror one day and realized what i had become that i consented to seeing a counselor.

I always used to think cuonselors were for the weak, for the ones who couldnt figure stuff out on their own, for the ones who were indecisive and mindless followers. I must say now that i was very wrong.

My parents told me a counselor would listen without judgement, and were completely confidential. Not only were they someone who hardly knew me that i could spill my guts too, they wouldnt share the story at all. I finally caved when i realized how angry and hurt i was, and how quickly i was spinning to my destrucution.

I remeber the moment i went in there well, i was given a packet of papers to sign and fill out. the first was to give a description of what i was in there fo, as well a checklist of potential symptoms, including depression, suicidal thoughts, aand anger..i ended up having to check every single box. When i finished filling out the paperwork i was nearly intears. i hadnt realized how badly i needed help nor how far i fallen from my original self

Shortly afterwards my counselor called me in and asked me to sit down. we went over my paperwork, and after a short discussion of potential options he asked, "so why are you in here?"

I blinked at him and thought for a minute..why was i in here? because my parents pushed so hard? because i wanted to restore myself? because i was tired of being who i was?
i looked at him and spoke softly, "I'm in here, to find me. no one can fix me but myself. its my choice and i want to get better."
He nodded and said "that's half the solution right there"

Today i can honestly say im almost completely back to normal. i still have some trust issues, but im happy, im not giving up my dreams and i sure aint following someone else to find love.

Boys are yucky

2010-09-15T17:39:00.001-07:00

after my recent breakup i have made a vow to take my time before getting into another relationship. but for some reason, a girl who says no is irresistable. in the four weeks since i started school (almost three months since my breakup) i have had no less then five, yes five, guys tell me they liked me, and only two of them havent pressured me for a relationship. its not that i couldnt like these people, but im trying really hard to give myself time to heal and be myself.
being single allows you to be completely unrestrained from others, you can hang out with whoever, whenever without feeling guilty. ts not that im a man hater, or that i dont hope to be married one day, but i want to be able to recover lol.
i think i am inheriting aphirdiotes abilities or something

is ready to f&*%! it

2010-09-07T21:25:00.000-07:00

wow..today really sucked. its really hard to stay focused on my goal, when i feel like the whole world is falling apart. i know its going to get worse before its gets better. im not saying my whole life sucks. but today was just BALONEY! AH
im done. im sooo reayd to just give up adn call its quits. but i know i really dont want to do that. i want to do well, i want to succeed i want to reach my dreams

so what next?

2010-09-04T20:28:00.000-07:00

haha i feel like im a conqueror. but im still trying to figure out what i have conquered. i feel confident, alive, and ambitious. i can and will do all, where ever my dreams take me. Right now im thinking NY for awhile, being a professional caricaturist. or maybe go to italy, and get some inspiration from the masters XD. i can do anything i put my mind to, i know i can.

one of the hardest lessons i have learned is to believe in me, just because someone says that its hard to do something..doesnt make it impossible, in fact it makes it even better when you reach your goal at the end!
quit giving up on something you want because it looks out of reach, you will never know until you try.

Power to those of you who will never give up on your dreams, even more to those who reach them, and help others to reach theirs

sunshine and roses..

2010-09-01T09:21:00.001-07:00

Simple Joys

Little things in life that make me smile.
a cold dr pepper
a smile from a friend
a compliment from a stranger
a well worded email or comment on my facebook
good grades
playing my favorite songs on my ipod
being able to dance around crazily
an i love you from my baby sister
watching it rain..

i think too often we take life for granted
not everyone gets the opportunities we get

i cannot say that i have never taken life for granted.but now i make an attempt to smile more, to enjoy little things now..cuz it wont be long before i cant enjoy them.
Live to its fullest. No im not saying go spend all your money on a new xbox and enjoy the matierial joys...
notice the little things, ever have something that just makes you smile, something little..like a fresh notebook? new socks/shoes? a sip of your favorite drink, a certain smell or friend?
i find a fresh sketchbook to be very reassuring, a finished sketch even more so.

enjoy the little things, before they pass you by.

my eyes are open

2010-08-31T17:04:00.000-07:00

in the midst of the hurricane..i am surrounded by peace. tho the wind is tearing out my hair, grit is destroying my skin, and i have long been deaf from teh roar of the storm..i can still smile.
every dream i held has been destroyed, and yet my laughter can be heard echoing in the wind. though i feel as though my heart cannot stand anymore pain, it is full of joy.
i think i know what you might be thinking...
she finally lost it...she didnt have much..but its gone now

nah. i was crazy before. i was limiting my dreams to what i knew was safe to expect. well..i will be a mom because..70% of people can be a mom. and i want to
well..i will be a teacher because we need teahcers and its a dependable paycheck...and i want to

always, i brainwashed myself into believeing i wanted it. when really i was giving up on my bigger dreams. i was settling. we only get ONE life. lets live it to its fullest. dont settle for anything less then your dreams, if you survive eating sandwiches and living in a small trailer...as long as you are happy with where you are and what you do...you are living life to its fullest.

Sometimes..its better to let go

2010-08-30T20:17:00.000-07:00

i dont even know how to describe what im feeling, fear? intimidation? a loss of control...i have lost so much the past year...i am not giving up anymore. which is why i made the choice i made. sometimes, its better to let something die and sink..then to climb aboard and try to salvage what little is left.

I like to think of lost causes like the titanic...you can get on the lifeboat, stay put, or listen to the music play as you go down. The latter two are not appealing to me. i am still young, i still have a lot of life left to live. but..at the same time i dont want the boat to sink. i wish i was super man, and could lift it from the water. but......you cant save everything and living in regrets only brings on depression and guilt. both of which have shown evidence of causing health problems.

i put too much into this specific cause. for too long. instead of evacuating the ship, i was mopping a broken deck adn trying to pretend everything was all right even though i was scared to death. i ignored the alarms for so long..that i couldnt hear them anymore...until the iceberg scraped against my ship...past the point of salvation..it was time to abandon ship.

its not my first sinker...and i should have had the sensors on at full capacity and been watching for potential ice bergs...but i was ignorant, belieiving it could never sink. however fear and dread are a quick sober for the intoxication that bliss often brings.

now i have sounded the alarm, and abandoned ship. no im not being a good captian and going down with it. and i dont care

A crumbling foundation

2010-07-25T20:51:00.000-07:00

i got to thinking today. when a foundation falls apart underneath you, you cant fix it while your structure is on top, at least not well enough to permenantly dispose of the problem. you have to destroy the current structure, lay a new foundation, and build a completely new structure. otherwise you get cracks, which can often lead to more serious problems.

the problem i have been having is feeling as though i am this structure, and the foundation i laid my life on has not been strong enough to support me, nor has it been serving its function as a cementing place for my life. this is probably one of the hardest things i have ever had to do.
i have to sit down, and figure out what needs to go, what stays, and where i need to rebuild. i cant do this based on what i believe others will do, say or feel. i have to do this based on whats going to help me the most, whats going to be most productive towards my goal and my life. it sounds selfish, but living my life to please others has gotten me no where.

God please give me the strength adn the wisdom to make the oncoming decisions, the courage to rebuild broken relationships, and the grace to make an easy transition.

felling better?

2010-07-08T20:49:00.001-07:00

life can be confusing, but its all in your reaction and your attitude.
we cant change the world, only influence certain elements around us. lately i have been confusing emotion with action. its not wrong to be angry, its wrong to act based upon your anger. if we learn how to seperate ourselves from this issue, and see why we are really mad, and if its worth being angry about, then make a decision.
most of the things people in our society get mad about are trivial, and yes they can be important. but priority only goes to the things you give it to.
like a cell phone. yes it makes life more convienient and i really wish i had one, but its not a necessity.
life is more like a play, some scenes your on the stage playing your part, others you choose to sit back and watch them play out.

Why i Love You

2010-07-01T21:42:00.001-07:00

when all the lights went out
and all seemed lost
when earth was about
to become a lost cause

there was a light
it seemed to get dimmer
no one moved towards it
it was barely a glimmer

earth cradled the candle
affection overflowing
not too hot to handle
and love was going

Through her veins
and into her heart
which bled so often
earth was torn apart

but the flame was moving
and it healed the rest
of her poor heart that was fluttering
for you knew what was best

but along came this candle
and once it had wick
it grew to the sun
because it had its pick

of affection so great
that bloomed into love
which grew into bonds
destined above

and earth changed alot
from a dark little seed
to a blossom so bright
it would not be believed

her stem grew tall
her leaves grew wide
her blossoms were amazing
and love took them astride

as the sun kissed the blossom
it became a tree
with roots so deep
yet leaves so free

the sun joined the tree
went inside its strong trunk
and deep inside
two thoughts were thunk

one became a man
very tall like the tree
the other a woman
whose spirit was finally free

inside they danced
no shame, no hate
just the man and the woman
their love was great

so great that the tree
could not contain love
so it burst at the roots
and they were sent above

to dance in the stars
that made their eyes shine
where all dreams that were yours
were also mine

to think this all started
with one little light
that refused to be extinguished
and tried to be bright.

Let me tie my shoes

2010-06-29T16:13:00.000-07:00

i love my life. i have been in this shift of mind where i keep reflecting. the more i think about what i have been through, the happier i am that i never gave up. i have a great life. no its not perfect, but since when is life perfect? Me? i think i got pretty darn close.

this last year i see as a continuing test that i forgot to study for. now i get to cram and try to pass. I didnt do so hot last semester in school. now i get to make up for it. I get to retake the courses and still graduate slightly on time. Now its only my associates, but its a start. i then plan to head over to unm or another similar university and get my bachelors in secondary education. a bad semester isnt the end of the world. It's a chance to prove the world hasnt got you yet.

I think a problem i have been facing is a lack of motivation. i had a hard time getting excited about doing things that needed to be done. But now that i have my schedule figured out and a pretty good idea of what im doing the next two years....im PSYCHED! i cant wait to start teaching! especially art....sigh i love art! and...its almost like God is nodding in approval. i talked to several people about my plans...including an old teacher friend of mine, who said they always pictured me becoming a teacher.

Now its up to me to get back on track, get focused and start running to the finish line. but this isnt a sprint. Life is a marathon, and if you give up..you will never finish. The thing about races though...often you find people on the sidelines along the way, offering support, encouragement, and a cool refreshment.

I have my team, i have my running shoes. now its time to pick myself up and keep running. after all a marathon isnt about winning.....its about doing your best to get to that finish line

In a philosophical state of mind

2010-06-28T17:44:00.000-07:00

after last night i have been a thoughful state of mind. im not sure what brought it about. maybe being so honest with myself made me start to think about how i have been thinking, my patterns and the way i have been thinking the last few months.

something i have noiced is it has been all about me. literally. until about last week when i started talking to mom about how to be a better sibling, daughter and girlfriend, i was a selfish little bit**. i didnt think about anyone else but me. i still struggle with it alot of the time. im trying to learn to be more patient and not to parent my younger siblings. its really hard not to becase mr i has developed this new habit where i tell him he needs to calm down or something and he says make me...irks me to death. i think i might be doing better but im not sure. i have been keeping my hands to myself.....biting my tongue instead of smarting off all the time. trying to think about how i would feel on their side if it was me.

i am not perfect i have a lot of work to do. its an ongoing process i guess.

Chapter one of she will be the death of me

2010-06-26T19:19:00.000-07:00

very rough draft..some creative writing. cant write romance so i thought i would write a murder story..yeah

I stare at the window…not thru it. The reflection of the body in the glass haunts me. What a pitiful creature. Tear stained cheeks and a black eye. What a waste. She was so beautiful. Chestnut lock, though short were soft and luxurious, now lay streamed out beneath her head, framing the loveliness that now stared blankly ahead. Green eyes, unblinking, still twinkled even in death. That porcelain complexion still looked healthy even after the blood had left her cheeks.
Sasha deserved it. I walk over slowly to her body, my fingers stroke her soft cheek. Her full red lips have turned pale. My fingers trace her collar bone, her neck marred with the marks from my hands. I chose this method on purpose, I wanted her to know she was dying, to suffer as she made me suffer. I continue to stare at the corpse in fornt of me. So beautiful, yet so disgusting. She was such a vile creature preying upon the desires of man to get her petty inconvieniences. She flaunted that curvy frame, knowing men would stare and give her anything to get her attention. She didn’t deserve such beauty..not when I had to work so hard for everything I had in life everything! No man ever looked at me with such intense heat, no man ever swept me off my feet nor did they heed my voice when I called out in my time of need. All because of her.
I started plotting Sasha’s death sometime ago. I remember that day well, she knocked on my door at about three in the morning. I groggily crawled out of bed to find a truly distraught sasha standing out in the rain. She had been crying, and the makeup that enhanced her pretty features was pouring down her face in streams on her cheeks. She covered her lips with her hands in a prayer like gesture, smiled and hugged me. I stiffened. How dare she?
“can I come in?” she asked, “I need somewhere to stay the night.” Of course she did. This wasn’t the first time. Sasha had a bad habit of getting involved with the wrong crowd in her ploys for attention. And once she dumped the poor chum he often went looking for a gun. I envied the bastard for having the guts to do what I longed for.
“come in”
She climbed inside and crawled out of her stillettos, heading to bathroom awkwardly on her now flat feet. “you wont believe the night I have been through.” she said
“Try me.” I said coming up behind her in the bathroom as she tried uselessly to wipe off the thick eyeliner that had now stained her cheeks
“I don’t know what got into him…one minute we’re happy, having a few drinks…the next hes holding a knife to my throat.”
“who? Matthew?”
“no I left him a week ago..this is Jared” she said noncommittally as she continued to poke and prod at her face.
“…ok. You seem to be moving through men fairly fast. This isn’t the first time this has happened you know.”
She glared at me in the mirror and ignored me. Tears welled up in her eyes. “I don’t know why this happens to me, I mean you have never had these issues with men.”
I rolled my eyes. I never had these issues with men because I had to deal with her issues. I was often the one to call the police when men came looking for her here, I had been shot before, a bullet was stuck in my thigh to prove it, and a knife scar marred my belly.
“you just don’t understand what its like to be me. I go to parties to cut loose, relax have some fun and these people just come trying to start trouble. All they want is to sleep with me.
“maybe if you didn’t lead them on dear. I mean look at you!”
She turned towards me to give me a better look at her ensemble. Just as I feared. A short form fitting red dress with a low cut bodice to show off her ample cleavage, a corset to show off her figure, and the seven inch stillettos she had just taken off. The dress had practically nothing to it in the back, and the fabric of the skirt left nothing to the imagination of what was underneath it. Her hair looked as though she had been trysting with several men all night long and was pinned back on one side. Her makeup, though smeared over her face was heavy and still showed traces of its original application. Bright red lipstick on her perfect pout, heavy black eyeliner to accent her green eyes, and perfectly manicured eyebrow that had been perfected with eyebrow gel. Her nails were painted a coordinating red, and her body, though pale was not unhealthily colored. Any mans perfect wet dream.
No means no. she said affirmatively, just because I dance with a guy does not mean I want to sleep with him. I rolled my eyes. Her version of dancing with a man was grinding against him and bringing him to the brink of release before she would ditch him. Then as soon as a guy was giving her the attention she wanted she quickly moved her advances to a man who could care less about her. She always wanted what she couldn’t have.
“if you say so. Just know I care about you and I only want you to be safe, abd I don’t agree with the way you lead these drug stupored men on. They don’t think clearly and they only want revenge half the time. They don’t think about the jail sentence or electric chair.”
She walked up to me and embrace me tightly, her braless cleavage squished against me…it made me want to gag as she pulled back and her lip quivered. Im sorry she whispered, you are right.
She wandered out of the bathroom into my bedroom, going through my closet and taking a pair of pjs. As she secured her hair in a ponytail and sat on the couch I resented her more. So naturally gorgeous even in the mess she was in. traces of the makeup still resided under her eyes, making her look even more tired, but her well defined cheekbones wide spaced eyes, and flawless complexion drove me mad.

DIYYOR FOR LIFE!!! XD

2010-06-24T20:41:00.000-07:00

so i have a new obsession that has me completely excited about clothes again! i used to do it all the time. i would alter some pieces and make them new again. well i started doing it again so im not tempted to spend money i dont have on clothes i dont really need. but yeah. i can keep my style cheaply pictures up soon!

Im a bad kid

2010-06-17T20:34:00.000-07:00

sigh...yeah that about sums it up. i have always considered myself to be the black sheep of the family. mostly cuz i always got in trouble the most when i was a kid..and still do to this day. the red headed step child if you may. idk i always saw my self very separated from the rest of my family..idk how to explain it. even when i was sitting there with my whole family i felt very lonely....like i wasnt really a part of them.
needless to say im a bad kid. thats not how families are supposed to be. families are supposed to be comfortable with each other, not stressing each other out, and patient. i am exactly the oppposite. i cause trouble.
im a bad example
i cant seem to do this right. i cant be a good example..or a stress free sister they want to hang out with. sigh..what to do
i guess im still not used to living back at home yet.

I wonder

2010-06-10T15:48:00.000-07:00

why sometimes my heart skips a beat for no reason?

why sometimes i lie awake at night..thinking about nothing in particular, in one of the greatest moods ever.

how long it will take for my hair to grow out?

why even when the people you care about most say something ugly you can forgive them in like five minutes

why green eyes dont have a song like brown or blue eyes..shoot even hazel.

what kind of mother i would make?

why the thing sthat are so bad for you taste so freaking delicious?

when we decided that we needed bug houses and bird houses and dog houses....dont they live with us?

what it would take to get killer abs....without killing myself.

what if the sky was green and the grass was blue...

why some people think its gross when you blow your nose...its better then picking it

why do we need gold toilets? seriously your crap isnt worth that much

why its the best people that get stepped on the most in life. and the evil prevail...somethings not right

who invented the pattern clash rule? or never wear white after labor day rule? makes no sense...

Blogging about a BOB

2010-06-02T18:23:00.000-07:00

so..i love short hair i adore it sooo much. but...since the potential of a wedding is in my imminent future..we are talking a year or two. and i would love to have a mid length bob by then, long enough to curl, put up whatever i decide to do with it for my wedding. so...my plan is that in eighteen months, i will have that do. I will do nothing but trim my hair, so that the ends begin to match up. I need help doing this. i get bored with my hair so i cut it again. if i want to grow it out i cant touch it.. so if you happen to read about me thinking about a hair cut in the next few years please argue with me about it raise hell. i want better hair for my wedding..to do that i cant keep cutting it.
so day one....the top is three inches long, the back is 2.75.
to get the bob i want i need roughly eleven or twelve inches on top, ten or eleven on back..my hair grows roughly an inch a month, maybe a little less. so i have a good...umm eight months or so to get that hair cut and maintain it
would love your support!!

Sunday Afternoons

2010-05-30T16:58:00.000-07:00

The car ride to church singing praise songs altogether,when i get to hear the two year olds voice mingle among others and she knows all the words. A three year old's prayer over snack time, his little hands folded and his eyes sqwunched up tight as he fervently thanks Jesus for his snack of graham crackers. Getting a greeting from some people who barely know you, even if its just a good morning or a subtle nod. SOmething about Sundays just make me smile.

My favorite part of Sundays are the afternoons when we go picnicking. Mom goes and gets some lunch..sometimes sandwiches, or chicken, once we even made some fried chicken just for the picnic. we go to the park, lay out te blankets in a shady spot and enjoy. Often some members of our party are too excited about the slides to eat much, but nothing is said. they go and enjoy the outdoors and the slides.

Often i just sit back and watch. It fun to watch the little ones conquer the big slide, or gain the ability to climb the chain net. Today i tried to be active with my siblings. they have been reaching out for my attention. maybe the reason we dont get along is my lack of interaction with them. Or interest even some days.

I discovered today that one of my rothers has the making of a great basebal player, and that one of my sisters only needs a little encouragment to do well. The baby of the famiyl has no fear, while the tank needs a little time to ge used to a certain situation. My mother and i are more similar then i realize sometimes.

Then when we get home...the magic is often lost as we meld back into our normal lives. The lives where hardly anyone tries to get along or be nice to each other. Myself included. Today i want to save some of the togetherness we shared. Like roling down the grassy hill because the tank wanted me to, or playing baseball with no outs for him. Watching my baby sister climb into my lap because she wants to, not because i asked her to. Seeing mom and dad unwind for a bit..even if its not for me.

Today i sat under a tree after feeling a bit hurt at something i reacted poorly to. But instead of feeling sorry fo rmyself..i tried to figure out why i felt hurt and whose fault it really was that i felt that way. After a brief moment i remembered something mom told me a loonnng time ago that i brushed off as old advice that would be no use to me.

You react the way you choose, its your choice.

And it really is that way, we choose to get angry or scared and indignant. Now that doesnt make it wrong nor does it make it right. But instead of being angry, we could choose to listen. Instead of wallowing in self pity, we could talk about why we feel hurt. I have a short temper..and a shorter fuse these days..but if I focus on why instead of I..it might help a little. I wont focus as much on how you hurt ME and more on why does this bother me so much..is it really their fault? Or am i hurt about how i felt ignored this morning? or how i got woke up? Or even just some imaginary thing i concocted in my head?

I love Sundays

What do you do?

2010-05-29T12:49:00.000-07:00

what do you do when you feel like the world has given up on you? When you feel abandoned and condemned, when you have no where left to turn to. What are you supposed to do when you are so angry at where you are at sometimes..but right now thats where you need to be? When taking care of yourself means sucking it up and being strong? When someone you love very much tells you things you know can be true sometimes..but you really dont want to hear them? The worst part is when this same person tells you something you know isnt true...and says it is.. when someone can look you in the eye and tell you that you are a certain way.
What do you do?

I dont know what to do. i don't like what i have been feeling. i hate looking in the mirror and hating the person i see, i hate hearing about how i have turned into this emotional mess, and how im not handling things correctly or doing things right. Im not perfect, im not trying to say i do everything right the first time..but i dont think its a reason to be embarrassed in front of others and kicked around when your still trying to get up off the floor. I know i have changed. i hate the person i have become as much as they do. but what am i supposed to do? really?

i write stuff all the time in an attempt to vent my feelings and relax..it works occasionally. but when you have to fight yourself everyday to get out of bed and live another day..maybe you need to be kicked around a little bit. Maybe when you lose the desire to exist on most days other people can see it...they can look right through the sheild you put up. Maybe thats why things are the way they are.

Me refusing these feelings and pretending they dont exist isnt good for me either. i dont want to be depressed...but when a longing for nonexistance is stronger then most other feelings almost everyday...thats not healthy. I have a wonderful life at home. i just dont appreciate it half the time. I have a wonderful boyfriend whom i love dearly and he loves me. I have an amazing God who was willing to send his son to die for me...why am i being so selfish and illtempered when i have it so good. why do i still feel like im spiraling downward and its not worth fighting anymore.

i understand as humans that its normal to be selfish once in a while. BUt feeling the way i do when i have the life i do is just wrong. Im blessed beyond compare and i still wish i wasnt here. I wish i could just run away from it all, from the hurt, from the embarrassment, from the fear and anxiety. I know im doing better...at least i think i am. but im not seeing it. so what do i do? Its been a long time since everything just seemed to fall apart, and now things are starting to put themselves back together..but why do i still feel so lost? Why do i still feel like im doing something wrong...when i am doing everything in my power to make it right again?

Am i strong?

2010-05-20T09:33:00.001-07:00

Cant stand myself sometimes

2010-05-14T18:59:00.000-07:00

wow....tonight was a long one...and it still isnt over. i get so stressed and wound up...its like a cheap mc donalds toy thats broken because you wound it up too much.
i dont know what to do...i dont recognize myself anymore
i cant chill...im screaming...im yelling and it doesnt help me at all
i need out...out of my body out of this stress. i cant do this anymore.
any ideas on destressing? i cant seem to do it......not enough sleep, and i cant keep thoughts out of my hmead for long. i maken up stuff to stress about....which makes no sense.
HElp

I just dont care anymore

2010-05-11T08:23:00.000-07:00

you know....it seems all some people want is to either get you, or get you mad. it frustrates me. but stewing on it isnt going to help, it will only give me a screwed up back and a stomach ache. i dont care. its not worth it

im finally able to relax for the most part, my headaches are minimal, my stomach only hurts occasionally, and my back is getting better everyday. i havent had a seizure in a while..im happy

im very happy, i have an amazing boyfriend who would never do anything to hurt me, he loves me very much, and will do whatever it takes to help me, and i would do the same for him. Im back with my family, and life is good.

So give me the drama repellant, and send all complaints to the hand. i dont care

the future as we know it

2010-04-09T12:34:00.000-07:00

last night something scary happened....i felt completely alone, hurt and scared as i tried to doze off...something was after me..then i kept blacking out...even in the middle of a phone call. thank you God for giving me friends who will take care of me. my roommate, my boyfriend,and my best friend made sure i was taken care of

As the scissors close

2010-02-17T22:01:00.000-08:00

When you make a mistake that has the potential to destroy everything you have worked for and care about, its an eye opening experience. almost like a near death one. Except these have the potential to hurt you more, cuz they tend to be your own stupid fault. Because of this mistake i made recently i decided to reevaluate my opinion of myself. in this sense i can find my faults and learn how to compensate for them in the future, which would all ow me to be a better person.

so far i have not really liked what i have seen. im nomt a good person most of the time. but its all part of finding yourself and who you are.

i can be very selfish adn vain. i love attention, and i am a compulsive liar. i love to flirt and i love to get reactions out of people. i can be quite stubborn and impatient, and i have major commitment issues. Yet i can be a very jealous girlfriend. I envy alot of what i cant have, and dont appreciate what i do have. alot of the things i have pushed for in klife i pushed for merely because i knew i would get something out of it. i can also be very very veyr lazy

Seeing things like this is a sobering experience. Humans are not pretty creatures, we are ugly sinful things that lust and envy. i dont like what im seeing, but seeing it allows me to embrace who i am and become a better person because of it. How shallow would i be if i told i did not have pride and faults?

I am sad that it took a mistake this bad to make me realize how much i needed to wake up and change. i didnt use to be like this...at least i dont think i have. but when you wake up to find yourself at rock bottom, you need to find a way back up.

My prayers are frequent and fervent. most of them for strength to be humble enough to apologize to those i hurt and for forgiveness i dont deserve. i was raised in a decent household and there is no excuse for the way i have become besides the result of my own choices.

another thing i have been pondering is change. i have been wanting to cut my hair, change the way i look for awhile. if i am already changing the way i want to act i should change my outer appearance too. so i can get a real fresh start.
So either tomorrow or the day, as my hair hits the floor of the barber shop, i shed off all my old mistkes and begin my journey to rebuilding my relationships with my loved ones, with God, and with myself.

now everytime i look in the mirror, i will remind myself that i can be a better person and i am not limited to my old habits. i am strong enough to break them and rise above them.

Im writing a song.....

2010-02-09T14:49:00.000-08:00

being a vocal performance major, i get to be inspired randomly i guess. im writing a song, and i would love some help. still working out the tune...but the lyrics are hard. idk, i doubt this will ever be sold anywhere unless you like youtube and i get a way to put it there.

Here's what i have so far

Title: Golden Eyes

I sit beside you
Loving your eyes
As they shine that
lovely golden color
We get lost
as we dream
about the hopes we share

above the clouds
beside the moon
we float peacefully
among the stars
Our home is
made of orange peels
you look at me
them my head reels
and spins around....

(Chorus)
I take a deep breathe
gotta calm down
i forgot how to breathe
gotta come around
wake me up
this cant be true
how did i get as lucky
as to have you?

Wake me up
before i fall
too hard
this is too good to be real
wake me up
as i melt
inside
i find it so hard
to believe
you are mine...

(chorus)

I float on down
into your
arms
embracing each other
slowly
your lips meet
mine
and i know that this is true
I love you

(Chorus)

now i dont know
that this
feeling is real
no matter what
i think it should be
but then i forget how to breathe

(chorus)

I love you

You know you screwed up when...

2010-01-31T12:14:00.000-08:00

Today marks the almost six month anniversary of me going away to college, and i dare say it feels like im sixty years older since i went away. You learn alot the first time you live on your own...
Me,im still learning alot. But i can honestly say i learned aot mroe than i thought i needed to. I have gained such insight on myself. I learned that i can be quite a coward when it comes to certain things. Certain cars, stairs, ice, and arguments make me sweat.
While i have been away, i realize mom and dad were right about so many things, and i used to swear they didnt know anything. Well obviously i was wrong. My parents have been my steadfast place to go when everything else is going wrong. They always told me they would love me no matter what, and they were right.

I have fought my way through depression, denial, and hurt. And i am stronger because of it. Now i am so amazingly happy, i have an amazing boyfriend, my school is going well, i have a job that i love. as sad as i used to be thats how happy i am now.
I love you mom and dad
I love you michael

Financial Aid/Moving and other fun forms

2010-01-19T15:28:00.000-08:00

Went in to discuss housing options as of now since my roommate moved out and so did my friend Miss L's(changed for privacy) Because i hate D hall so much(the block i live in) i am hoping i will get to be Miss L's roommate as she is a fairly close friend and stuff. But due to freezing of the system as they check adn see who is still here and who is not i get to wait it out and see if this will even be an option by the end of te month. Also i checked my financial aid and to my understanding, this is not a final quote i am getting this double checked tomorrow, as of now with all of my current fin aid paid to my account already i still owe over 1300 dollars. Im pretty torked about it as i got the same amount of money tis semester if not more to help me.
So i go in tomorrow to get this double checked and see if i have more money coming in. if not i may have to take out a loan again....which i would prefer not do because i would ave been fine wihtout one last semester if i had not jumped the gun.
So there is my venting for the day

I miss you the most

2010-01-17T14:35:00.000-08:00

Im 500 miles away from home
and you are so far away
but this is merely temporary
a test
we will be together again
now i must be strong
and do well in school
so that we may have a strong future
i love you dearest

back at school

2010-01-11T11:13:00.000-08:00

im back at school. so yeah...thats it

Just because....

2009-12-29T20:24:00.000-08:00

Sigh
just because i have made mistakes
doesnt mean im worthless
just because life is difficult right now
doesnt mean it wont get better
just because things are hard
doesnt mean i cant learn something
just because we are apart now
doesnt mean we cant grow closer later

life is full of challenges, we canat control them, and will die trying. i have major control issues, i will be the first to admit that. I have nearly killed myself trying to fix my life to what i thought it would be. 2009 brought new mistakes, but also new knowledge.

I learned that my parents love me and do know what they are talking about
i learned that boys are trouble, and only a few really care about you
I learned that just because i screw up doesnt mean that im worthless
I learned that some people claim to be your friends, but arent
I learned that the friends who call you on your mistake, but stick by you despite are worth keeping
i learned that the real accepts those who care to OVER acheive, nott hose who procrastinate
I learned extra effort in an interview is well worth it
I learned that old friends stay friends even if the distance increases, they still care and reconnecting is fun.
I learned how to identify love from infatuation, and to seperate desire from needs
I learned to budget
I learned to fill out fancy paperwork
And finally i learned to be myself.....because no one else is going to do it

MAY I VENT? >:(

2009-12-28T22:45:00.000-08:00

drama drama drama! why is it some people cant get enough? they complain about how much it makes their lives suck with the drama, but start MORE! why?! do you want to make my life miserable? to make it so i cant live down a mistake? i have apologized, and the affected parties have forgiven me, but you havent! why?
it doesnt even involve you! you claim to be such great friends with this person, but how can you be? you dont talk to anyone unless its someone you are sexaully involved with! WHy spoil my happiness?
you dont know me, dont judge me!

Dear Friend

2009-12-09T13:34:00.000-08:00

I hope you understand. I miss you terribly, but i know in my heart that you would not want me to stop my life on your account. So even though my heart aches, and i feel terrible inside, i can't grieve yet. So for now i will hold it all inside. My heart is torn, and the tears are aching to flow. but i can't cry, not yet. my dear friend...i dont know what to do. but i know you want me to keep living. i pray for you, that on judgment day you will be allowed inside.
i cant cry yet. i hope you understand...
love,
Me

Empty

2009-12-06T19:16:00.000-08:00

Well today really sucked
but i dont feel anything
i should be crying my eyes out
yet they are dry
I pray for your soul
hoping God's grace will grant it's blessings
so that when the pearly gates open
i can ask you
why?
was it something i did
or something i didnt do?
was life truely unbvearable for you?
I am going to miss you
Rest in the peace you longed to find

i am too sad to tell you

2009-12-03T21:49:00.000-08:00

i dont know whats going on
but i feel so empty
so alone
but im surrounded by people
i dont know whats going on
its snowing outside
i should be happy
but hot wet tears stream down my face
i feel sick inside
if i could only name this feeling
maybe you could help me
before its too late
it doesnt take much to make me cry
and its hard to make me smile

Dear God...

2009-12-01T16:54:00.000-08:00

hmmm
i dont know what to think
about anything right now
i dont want to
i want to listen to my breathing as it grows even
feel the muscles in my body relax
i want to stare into the distance
and feel my eyes become unfocused
i dont want to feel
i just want to be dormant
nonexistant for awhile
not forever
just for a little bit
i want the pain to go away
the headachs, heartaches and tension
i want to forget the past present and future
i dont understand anything
i dont want to anymore
but im tired of hurting
for no reason at all
tired of a deep sinking feeling in my heart
that pulls me down farther everyday
i dont know whats going on
i pray everynight that you will help me through this
but nothing happens
what am i doing wrong?
i think i have lost site of you Lord....
i dont know how to find you again
always i go in this circle of disobedience..
i dont want it to keep going
i find you, then forget you
find, then forget
and forget.
im tired of hurting....
please carry me through this new chapter
for i dont know how to live it
guide my choices
choose my words
i surrender myself, my mind, and my soul to you Lord.
I want to live my life the way you want me to
please be there to help me through
Amen

Doors hate me

2009-11-30T10:52:00.000-08:00

so in the last two days i have shut the same hand in about seven different things....resulting in an injured finger

1. shut it in the front door, causint the initial injury. my finger turned purple, bled under the nail, and needed to be immobilized for comfort.
2. mom accidently shut my hand in the car door, besides a tiny mark by my pinky knuckel, there is nothing to show for it
3. shut my hand i my desk drawer, finger began to go numb
4. shut my hand in my friends car door
5. shut my hand in my bathroom door
6. shut my hand in my doo, finger began to bleed again, tip is completely funny shaped..pretty sure its broken.. it hurts really bed
7. shut my finger in (drum roll please) the door to the food court!

As a result my middle finger on my left hand is bruised purple and white (dont ask me how i got white bruises i didnt know they were pssible until now) the tip is completely immobile and swollen, the nail may come off soon, and even to i have immoilized my finger i have a pretty good feeling that its broken. i also have a small bruise that is hardly noticable on my pinky knuckle, and despite being a little sore the rest of my hand is no worse for wear.

In conclusion. doors really hate me!

Deck the halls with bottles of pills-i need them extra strength ones

2009-11-28T15:16:00.000-08:00

Holiday decorating can be the most insane part of my household. BUt at the same time i adore almost every minute of it. When we come together to decorate the tree, adding some extraodrinary bits and pieces that lead ot older memories and fond times, i cant help but smile and relax. Sure there are times when i am very stressed and want to tear my hair out by the roots. BUt without those times i cant appreciate the times when we work together as a family.

I love my family, they helped make me who i am...no i dont love everything that happens involving my family. i dont love the mess and chaos we have sometimes. no i dont adore dirty diapers and potty training. I dont adore incessant chatter all the time, even though i am the one who starts it all.

Families and holidays are the same. stressful at times, but you dont remember much of that later on.

The Chaos that is my Home

2009-11-27T13:50:00.000-08:00

thanksgiving is a time when all of us should count our blessings and be thankful we have what we do. And i am. In our household i find that the people who live here bring me comfort and joy....most of the time. I consider myself to be a very stoing person. I can bottle almost anything you throw at me with out a hint of emotion. BUt when someone who you have tried to love dearly, tried to help, tried to love and care about, tried to be a sister to, tells you that they never want you to come back, it hurts. I am still astounded at my reaction to this remark. You can tell me to my face that i am the ugliest most selfish person that you have never known, an di can shoulder it. but for some reason this biting response tore into my heart.

I dont know if i can love her anymore. I cant love someone who doesnt love me, or care for me, or even herself. I want with all my might to be close to her, but every time i try to, every time i try to help her, she pushes me away and blames me for the lack of effort in our relationship. I have idolized my sister for most of my life, it wasnt until just recently that i realized i should not idolize her. She would only hold me back if i modeled myself against her. I loved her dearly.

Now though. its different. After she looked me in the eye and said to my face that i should not come back for christmas, something died. a shred of hoep i guess. that maybe someday should would get over whatever was holding her back from getting close to me, and we could be sisters like we used to be. Friendly, open, close, with no resentment.

I wish i could feel the saem way about her as i did before, and maybe this is just anger and disappointment getting to me. i hope thats all it is. because i want to love my sister. but right now i cant stand her

Am i doing this right?

2009-11-24T15:25:00.000-08:00

today has been one of the first days i have been home in about three months. While being home i wonder what changed about me. I come home and i find myself more patient but also less so. I can tolerate more of certain things and less of others. I love my family more deeply, but i can see the chaos i refused to acknowledge before.

It makes me wonder...i screwed up alot the first month of college. I made alot of mistakes, had alot done wrong to me, had a lot of drama. but at the saem time i dont want to erase that. i can't ignore what i did, but i can learn from it. But am i doing what's right for me?

am i living life correctly? being the student, sister, friend and daughter i should be? I disappoint so many..it jus makes me wonder if maybe somewhere i am doing something right.

i am blessed with two wonderful parents who have stuck by my side even when i was doing everything wrong. when i was being a self absorbed brat. and i hope and pray everyday that i can do something to make them proud. To show them they didnt screw up by having me.

Apparently something has changed. since i have been in college i hardly ever wear makeup, and i dont obsess about what i am wearing the same way i used to. and people still love me despite the flaws in me that are so plain. Maybe mom and dad were right, despite my selfish attention seeking ways, and my poor complexion, there is something that i am doing right. and no amount of primping can change that.

College has been one of the best experiences of my life, but also one of the worst. living on your own shows how strong your moral standings are and how strong you actually are. I have seen my failings...and im not proud of them, but they made me stronger and more resilient to my insistent urge to please. some people dont deserve to be in my life, no matter what they do to try and force themselves into it

My life is just beginning, but at the same time i feel like its ending, at least a chapter of it. i can no longer be the little girl in ribbons and curls, and must evolve into a mature young woman who can take care of herself and others. i dont know if i am doing this right....

no one ever told me how to live my life, they just put suggestions into the suggestions box. it's my responsibilty to check them.

Let me praise my daddy for a minute, because people dont do that often enough. My dad has been with me all of my life, and has always been my idol. these past few months have been easier because i looked forward to chatting with my daddy. he is an amazing man. he has stood by me despite my short comings, he has pushed me to reach for success becaus ei can reach it no matter what. My dad is my hero. He has been so strong despite what life has thrown at him. Even now, when he cant walk unassisted for long periods of time he still puts other first. i love my daddy. and i want to thank him for pushing me to get over my mistakes and to rise above those who dont deserve my time. he taught me the most important things, how to laugh, how to succeed, how to love unconditionally. i love you dad

My mom is amazing too. she has helped me with things dad couldnt...you know those girly things. boy trouble, depression, anger and hormones. she was the one i would turn to when i fought with dad, or when i didnt understand the situation. Mom taught me how to be myself. I am beautiful creative and outgoing, i have a beautiful voice and can do anything i put my mind to, i am a social butterfly. just like mom. My mom has been the epitome of what i would like to be since i was little. despite what my parents say, at times i want nothing more but to be a stay at home mother. those memories of cooking together, laughin talking and just sitting near each other warm my heart and make me wish i can be half the mother my mom is. i love oyu mom

-to both of my parents

you have taught me so much about life and love. i cant repay you. i only hope that as i spread my wings, that you will continue to catch me when i fall. that no matter how bad i screw up, you will still love me the same way you do now. I hope i dont disappoint you too much...and that i can become the woman you pruned me to be. I cant ever repay you for giving me life and teaching me the important things....but i hope i can turn out how you want me to. I love you both so much. daddy, thanks for giving me your eyes, i love them, and i love how they remind me of how alike we are in appearance. its a special bond only i have with you.. Mom, everytime i put a pencil to paper i think of you and how alike we are in personality. despite all the fights we had, all the threats and hateful words, you still love me. thank you. you both are my world. if i lost either of you i dont think i could continue on. i love you so much!

Your daughter

Stupid Me

2009-11-02T10:01:00.000-08:00

i fell again
fell really hard
what was i thinking?
i guess i wasnt
why do i get so attached?
when they barely know i am there?
i guess i am a hopeless romantic.,,
but this wont matter in a year
so i will pretend i dont hurt
and go on with my life
until i forget about it
but for now
let me cry
let me heal
if i dont, it will only get worse
let me be upset
let me be a little sad
and then i can go on with life
and find happiness again

MORE FRIEND PICTURES!

2009-10-24T15:12:00.001-07:00

this is Deandre.....i love this picture so much, its such a nice one of him! <3

this is Sarah(the blonde) and Alysha(the short red head) my two best girlfriends!

this is a better picture of kyle, hes pretty cool
CRYsTAL! here is a much better picture of her!

HELP!

2009-10-23T12:36:00.000-07:00

Lost in my own world
as the paint mixes
i hold the brush
but its more like an extension of my being
without it i am not whole
as the brush touches the paper i breathe harder
my pupils dialate
i lose all sense of time
all sense of being
i cant remember my own name
i cant hear anything but my own thoughts
i dont even think
i just do
am i crazy?
is this normal?
i dont want to stop
the brush continues to swirl over the paper
i take a deep breath and step back

Random pictures of me and my bff Garret fake fighting

2009-10-23T12:30:00.000-07:00

Wishing you were somehow here again

2009-10-23T10:40:00.000-07:00

Sigh
Life can be very frustrating
But when you have loved ones there
Or rather almost there
It makes it bearable
I miss home alot
But there is something in the air
Maybe i am growing up
But home is not quite what it used to be
Wheni think about it
I think about leaving again
Maybe thats because though it is home
I know it wont be permanent

COLLEGE BUDDIES!

2009-10-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

This is Kyle....he is my Bff Garret's suite mate and a pretty awesome guy

This is not the best picture, but this is Crystal

This is GARRET! HA HA my BFF
The long awaited friend list!

Some random thoughts about college life

2009-10-09T20:22:00.000-07:00

51 things you would never think about before you go to college

1. You are actually moving away!
2. You have more space than you may think in the dorms
3. your roommate is not an evil villaness out to get you!
4. Shampoo works well as a body wash and a shaving cream
5. an all purpose cleaner keeps nastiness away
6. college furniture will eventually tip over and cause you pain.
7. Teachers dont bug you about homework
8. Attendance is not mandatory biut you are paying them so you might as well get your money's worth
9. College boys are no different than high schoolers.
10. Apparently hanging underwear in a tree outside gets them whiter
11. if you odnt have a trash can, just through it off the balcony onto my head please!
12. learn what you can about real life....being naiive opens doors that will allow you to be taken advantage of
13. Nerf guns can cause you more pain than you realize. split lips are a common side effect
14. Phones exist for a reason, dont be afraid to use them
15. DO YOUR HOMEWORK! if you fail you no longer have college as an option for that year...or possibly any other year
16. JObs are hardx to find, apply as early as possible
17. Money is scarce, do not, i repeat, do not take more than you need if you have to spend some
18. You are an adult now, real mistakes=real consequences
19. head phones become a neccessity if you want to get any sleep
20. Condoms are not rare around here. take a deep breath and get over it. unless you want to pick it up and through it away its going to be there a while.
21. no one cares about what you look like here
22. You can go to class in your pjs
23. You get really good exercise
24. Bikes would be a huge benefit
25. Watch out who you hang with, if you put yourself in a certain situation by yourself, its one hundred times harder to get out of it
26. Six hour saturday classes can be sheer torture
27. EAT RIGHT!
28.get lots of sleep, who knows when you are going to have to stay up and get some extra homework done.
29. Caffiene and coffee are your two new best friends
30. and something sweet
31. if you wander aorund long enough, its likely you can find something to do on campus
32. Or find free food
33. Sorities and Fraternities are often over rated. A lot of drama revolves around them. if you arent mature enough to handle it, dont join
34. Homesickness is a definite issue. you cant get rid of it, and its ok to cry once in a while. as long as no one is watching
35. You will haav elots of free time, find something constructive to do with it. after homework that is
36. Take little breaks when doing your homework, it improves focus and helps prevent homework over load.
37. Test programs can and will crash your computer
38. Boys are yucky....most of the time. dont swoon for the first cute one who tells you that you are gorgeous. if you make him work for it, he will respect you more.
39. Boys are not a neccessity, you can live with out them
40. College is over rated half of the time, others it is under rated.
41. Sometimes paying a little extra for housing would probably be better
42. Suite mates who have no courtesy are very common
43. COllege kids will steal anything that isnt nailed down
44. Activity hours for college kids start at about 5 at night until about five in the morning
45. That is, non-campus functions
46. People will respect your values, you dont have to drink
47. Or smoke
48. and you definitely dont need to do drugs
49. Febreeze is a good thing
50. its ok to wear clothes more than once
51. DOnt take advantage of anyone, you will feel terrible

whether or not these apply to you personally is not the question, these are concepts i have derived from my own observations.

The truth hurts, but a lie can hurt more.

2009-09-28T14:46:00.000-07:00

PArt of life is making mistakes and learning to live with the consequences. Unfortunately no one ever tells you exactly how much it will hurt when you hurt someone you care about. Someone who was always there for you, someone you took for granted. And sadly the worst part is when they are finally fed up with you and just pull themselves out of your life, leaving a big gaping hole that leaves you feeling like the world's biggest jerk and loser.

If i could do it over, i would have been completely and totally honest. For some reason i decided to lie about something stupid, and it did more damage then telling the truth would have. Now i get to pick up the few pieces i have left of one of my best friendships and cry over my loss. I can't fix it, cuz i was the one who made the intial mistake. No matter how much i apologize she just doesnt want me in her life anymore. Maybe its better this way. maybe now she can get on with her life with out me there to continually complicate it and make her look like a fool.

But i still hurt. The pain is still frsh, and tinged with the terrible ache of regret. This is one mistake i wish i didnt have the opportunity to learn from. I close my eyes and try to distract myself from my thoughts on the matter, but it doesnt work. I cry every night at this loss, realizing now too late what i was risking.

Bitterness from her cuts more than i ever thought it could. I was a terrible friend. I cant fix it...i cant make it better, i cant even apologize because her eyes glaze over when she "sees" me. I didnt think it could hurt this much....but at the same time i deserve it. i was horrible to her, if i had been even a fourth of the friend to her as she was to me.....maybe i would sstill be able to call her my friend.

You only get one chance at life, and i have made my share of mistakes, some worse than others.....some completely changed the course of my life....others hurt enough to make me want to fall asleep and never wake up....i dont know what to do....i am sinking back in this hole i barely got out of. I can feel her pain....and knowing i was the cause of it makes it worse.

Faith like Purple Potatoes

2009-09-21T14:30:00.000-07:00

I have survived the first month of college, but not without my ups and downs and some scars and regrets. These days its so easy to get caught up in the hype of "what i want to do" rather than thinking "wht i need to do" . This past month has been full of mistakes and regrets for me. Luckily i have some good friends that cared enough about me to call me on my crap and give me a wake up call.

To be exact i got caught up in a life that i often condemned others for. I wanted to be wanted i guess is the proper term. so i compromised my values to become a person they would want to be around. thanks to some divine intervention from one of my best friends i was able to wake up and realize that i didnt want to be on the road i was starting to head off on in a few months. Shoot i didnt want to be on it then. i didnt think about how my choices would affect my future, and once it was pointed out, i saw i was headed in the opposite direction of where i wanted to be.

So hopefully with the help of my close friends who cared enough to go, "knock it off" i will be able to truely be myself and break away from my people pleaser habits.

On a lighter note the friends that have been worth my time and who have stuck around despite my evil ways are now closer to my heart then ever. I am having a blast with college life and doing random things just because i can. Like running through a sprinkler, or balancing on a six foot ledge and falling back on the grass that grows in about two places on campus.
Found a church i really like here, has a lot of qualities i looked for. This past month has shown me that no matter how strong you think you are, or how independent you think you can be, its just the opposite. Those who are the strongest still will fall short, those who need no one wil find themselves utterly alone and helpless. Thats why we need a loving and forgiving God who will always be there to help us up when we fall off the path.

I am finally learning what it means to be an adult. I dont know how great of an adult i will be, i know i am far from perfect and often screw up and go on with my life without thinking. I have a lot of regrets. But i am going to do my best to become my vision of what i want to be when i grow up. That wonderful amazing flawless vision of this wonderful caring artist that i have had in my head since i was about 6 years old. I know i will never be her. but having that goal will help me to stay focused and allow me to ignore all of the distractions down here.
God has a plan for me, and i want to be ready to fulfill that role when he calls. I am in a hard situation right now, about 10-12 hours from home, truely independent for the first time of my life, and also surrounded by people i didnt think would say word one to me. But i know if i have faith that eventually God will show me what my purpose in this life is, i know i can be a godly woman. The woman i have always wanted to be.

Here are som epictures of what i have been doing this past month, i wil have a post with more pictures soon, but i really wanted to update my blog.

WEEK ONE!

2009-08-22T22:16:00.000-07:00

this is going to be mostly pictures of life this past week, my first full week at school. in this past week i have been thru the mill, missing family, being creeped out by weird college kids, gettting burnt and so on. hopefully the pictures will tell it better than me.

this pic is my feet after the first day of walking around on campus, the baby toe is bruised, and i ended up breaking it later on in the week. its taped now, and they said its safe to walk on, so i will live.

this is a would be picture if the farmers tan on the back of my neck, which is now about 7 shades darker than the rest of my body. however i am getting tan legs and arms, and i have a funny tan line on my feet where my flip flops sit!

the picture below is my first chalkboard mural, which iam going to update every week. i have waay too much time on my hands i think

so this is it for now, when i can think in a more efficient way i will be more detailed...lol

The Big Apple Adventure

2009-07-14T11:55:00.000-07:00

Small Town Girl Goes To The Big Scary Place

New York, if I had to sum it up in one word, is breathtaking. LITERALLY!

But I am getting ahead of myself.

This trip had so many firsts for me. At first, I was nervous with new plane security; I was constantly worried that something would get confiscated or that I would be dragged into that tiny room of doom! Packing was a nightmare; I had to fit enough clothes for a week with extra souvenir room into two small bags, both carry on. Dad tried to stow away but he pulled my clothes out in the process so that didn’t work. LOL.

I woke at 3 in the morning though I didn’t have to be at my ride's house until 9:00. I curled my hair after double checking my suitcases. I was terribly nervous! The ride to the airport was fun, but my stomach was bunched up in knots as I prepared myself for security and the actual plane ride. Being reassured by my friends that it was completely safe and not as big of a hassle as it was made out to be, I went through security without a hitch; though a few of my friends were pulled out to repack their toiletries.

Then I got on the plane.

I was lucky enough to be seated by a good friend who had flown before. He talked to me the entire time and laughed with me at my surprise when I felt jolts of turbulence. However I was ready to be done with planes when we flew from Dallas to Newark NJ. It was one in the morning NY time when we landed and got to the hotel. But it was only 11pm at home. Being on a plane for 3 hours one time and 3 hours another with long waits between transfers is not fun. But I enjoyed the experience the first time.

Tuesday morning. we headed into NYC for the first time. After driving through the already busy traffic, waiting 2 hours through a supposedly 15 minute drive, we got off the bus to walk through the city to experience the full effect. The smell was disgusting! It smelled like old fish and dirty sewers. Not even 5 minutes after we left the bus a man came begging for money. The buildings were so tall! I hurt my neck from looking up so much! We headed out for a tour of the town! we visited St. Patrick’s cathedral, times square, Chrysler building, the apple store, Rockefeller center, and my favorite of the day, THE GUGENHEIM! da da da duh!

ST. Patrick’s cathedral was truly beautiful. the stained glass, the pews. My
favorite part was their enormous organ set up on a balcony in the back. It was at least half the height of the cathedral! The statues and the candles every where made for a beautiful set up. After that I saw a steaming sewer...yes they really do steam. And the vents that are every where in the movies smell like a bathroom that hasn’t been cleaned. We also saw Trump Tower, which was really cool. They have a doorman in the front dressed up all nice.

Now I am a little sore about Rockefeller center, as we walked by I tripped and twisted my ankle. which sucked. I thought the center was a lot bigger than it was, but then again when they fill it with ice in the winter, it has less people in it. or rather less tents. The rest of the buildings (excluding the Guggenheim) we visited were nice, but dimmed in comparison to the Guggenheim!

The Guggenheim is one of the best art museums ever. I saw my first van Gogh and Picasso there! However I was a little disappointed with the permanent exhibits. The architecture sketches were cool, but they all looked the same to me. And finishing the long walk to find sixth grader art at the top was a little irritating. though it is a lot better than art I made in sixth grade.
We took a short break for shopping and a little exploration before dinner. It rained for the first time after that. And it poured! I was drenched before 5 minutes were up. And as quickly as it started, it did not let up! We had the BEST pizza I have ever eaten in NY. These slices were huge! after eating half, it was still as big as a normal paper plate!

After that we headed back to the hotel for some social time and relaxation.

Wednesday! well I got up to prepare myself for one of the highlights of the trip.....PHANTOM OF THE OPERA! We weren’t going to the show until 8...but we were exploring the town all day so unless we wanted to change on the bus we had to get ready in the morning. I wore a blue dress given to me for the occasion. Because it is windy in new York I was wise enough to bring shorts to wear under it. No peeping toms for me! But as we headed to central park for some exploration...I made the mistake of standing on a vent, which blows air as a subway goes by! Needless to say I did a pretty good impersonation of Marilyn Monroe.....I was not happy.. We had picked up a professional tour guide who took us by the apartment building where John Lennon was killed, and his memorial in central park.
We went to the fountain where enchanted was filmed, and met a really cool sax player. who played New York New York for us, and invited me and a few friends to join him in a kick line! Afterward I got to meet Hans Christian Andersen! or rather a statue of him. My mom says we are very likely related so I was tickled. Especially since he wrote one of my favorite stories, The Little Mermaid. I was a little annoyed at first though, because there were a bunch of obnoxious children climbing on the statue, insulting us tourists.

The next thing we saw was a sculpture that had been recovered out of one of the twin towers after nine eleven. It was beaten and bruised and terribly damaged. but it was truly powerful with the message it conveyed.

One of the things about New York is that you never know who you are going to meet! As we walked down wall street a person dressed up in a panda costume walked around, asking for money with its heavily embellished pink sequin purse. As we left Wall Street we headed for the NYC public library. The carving inside was spectacular! The library itself was a work of art! We headed for ground zero next, which looked nothing like the rubble we all picture it as. It is now a busy booming construction site!

After lunch we were given time to explore Times Square and do some souvenir shopping.
Times Square was amazing, there were buildings so covered in light up bill boards that it appeared to be nothing more than that! It was still raining too. At eight o' clock we headed to the Broadway theater. Luckily my teacher had gotten tickets in advance, or we may not have gotten in the line was so long! The musical was amazing! This being my first professional show I was flabbergasted! My only complaint was a couple of sound errors. but that could happen to anyone and they performed admirably besides! I got my t-shirt and went to bed too keyed up to sleep.

Thursday-our last full day in NY, we visited Ellis Island and the statue of liberty! Ellis island was cool but the statue of liberty was better! However I thought she would be bigger than she was. But it's still cool. Then we visited the MOMA or MOdern Museum of Art. It was really cool...but not a lot of classic there. Saw some really disturbing art. We were so wiped out by that time a lot of people crashed (including me) during a brief break we took at the front. I saw Jackson Pollock, Andy Warhol, Rauschenberg , and Chuck Close...all of which are my heroes! Later we explored China town and Little Italy. both of which were so cool! The first thing I saw in China town was a window full of roasted ducks, which all still had there heads on them.

Later we visited the Empire State Building...but only went to the 86th floor, mostly because we would get a better view. I was not terrified like I thought I would be! The view was truly breath taking! Me and some friends goofed off while we waited for our group to come together. Got some funny pictures.

Friday- our final day. We had until 2:00 pm to explore the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and in those six hours I had I barely scratched the surface! I saw Dali, van Gogh, Rembrandt, O’Keeffe, Pollock, Chagall, Monet, Manet, and so many others! I was truly geeking out! I was so excited I couldn’t contain myself. I made a guard nervous, I was just trying to get a good look at one of my favorites, van Gogh ’s corn field, and she asked me to back away. All I could do was sober up and be a civilized viewer. I think I resembled a fan girl beforehand. I saw samurai armor and famous sculptures. I saw the stained glass window from Ferris Bueller's day off, and the painting where Cameron zooms in. Making the Chicago setting inaccurate. At lunch I had my first NYC hot dog. which tasted so delicious!
I had a hard time believing it was a hot dog. We left to board the plane that would take us home. But a Swiss army knife delayed us as a passenger from the last flight had left it on. We waited 2hours for a storm, then another for the knife. Didn’t get home until five in the morning, but I had so much fun it was well worth it.

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I am attending NMSU this fall with an honor's scholarship. I will be majoring in art and education. My father, who edited this post, sincerely hopes I learn to use the shift key before my freshman comp professor flunks me.

You can see all 1,188 pictures I took in NYC HERE.